I need knee replacement but what about mom?

Thank you jeannegibbs and equillot for your comments. Truly helpful. I know that AL at least for the recuperation period would be a good decision. I should do that and if I bring her back here, use their respite services often. This site is remarkable. As I read other discussions, I see many people doing the same as I and many that have it far worse. I am greatful for the opportunity to read all the suggestions that people post.

I second everything jeannegibbs said. In addition to that, you may want to go to rehab for some intensive physical therapy after surgery - talk to your doctor about that. You will get PT 3x/day as opposed to 3x/week. Mom had it done when she was in her mid-70's.

You definitely cannot continue to do everything on your own while you recovery from knee replacement. Some arrangement will have to be made for Mother, at least for that period. I hope that she can understand the need, but it exists whether, with her dementia, she can understand it or not.

Find a good setting for her while you recuperate. Many care centers of all types do offer short-term stays for respite situations.

Your notion that you need to do things with your husband now and not put them off is spot-on. One way to make this possible is to permanently place your mother in a care center. Another is use the short-term respite option as often as you need it.

Also, I certainly hope that you have a housecleaning service or individual. If you don't now, please consider it for your recuperation period -- laundry too, if that is down a flight of stairs and difficult for you for a while.

It is so wonderful that you have been able to give your mother four years of at-home living, beyond the point where she could have lived alone. Feel proud of that. I think that now you need to consider your husband's needs, and your need to do things together.

Best wishes to you.

Oops, my computer jumps around all the time. Discussion was submitted accidentally before I was ready. Started to say that I tried to discuss assisted living and she of course was not interested. She thinks that she does not need help and can do for herself. She has macular degeneration and can't see very well. She has mild dementia and can't remember to take meds or what day it is. She has a room downstairs and uses a chairlift to get to it. She doesn't want to go down to bed alone because she is afraid. She will go to bed but wants someone to accompany her to the room and check the doors down there. She is hard of hearing and wears hearing aids but still has trouble heaing us. I love her with all of my heart but I am getting very impatient with her and feeling guilty about that. I am stressed now and know I will be stressed with her here during my recuperation. Help. Would I be a bad daughter to have her stay in assisted living? In all honesty, I kind of want her to stay there because as it is now, we can't go anywhere and leave her and I am afraid that before long my husband won't be able to do much and should do things now while he can.