my mum gets up at 1pm, I make her breakfast normally tea and toast then I make sure she eats something as shes diabetic shes not eating much but today was just too much after saying she wasn't hungry earlier and refused a sandwich I put the evening meal on at 5pm it was ham and takes along time to cook I was in and out of kitchen when she went "MAD" where the hell is my dinner im starving I havnt eaten all day.
I started shaking and ran to my friends house and now im staying the night lying on her sofa with AGAIN no movement in my back and in a lot of pain. I think im heading for a breakdown illness or not I cant live like this for much longer and wonder how much crap its going to take before I have a breakdown. I feel so bad for my friend as shes been working all day and I suppose the last thing she needs is me here crying but shes been a true friend and as her mum died from als she understands. I hate my mum right now and the fact that ive no place of my own and sometimes feel like nowhere to run AND hate having to depend on anyone for REFUGE its awful! I will head back now tomorrow and my mum will be in foul mood and banging doors I need help and think her doc needs to move his ass?
any advice god if only I had the money to leave here right now im sick with worry as to how much longer I can hold out I am living with a mad woman and I cant cope. I hate my family right now and cant even answer the phone when they call they have no idea how stressful this is. Carers are the victims of dementia is so true I don't want to be a victim I just cant deal with this. My mum will do what she usually does and that's call my sis and tell lies then threaten to kick me out this is abuse and I cant take it feel like crap and now know I need to get away from her or ill go mad.
calm down wont cut it now she is only happy when shes been waited on all day long and I cant live like this. God what would I do to have someone do everything for me except wipe my ass?
I facilitate support groups in New Jersey for caregivers where we share experiences and find the best solutions.
My mother's worst day is usually on Monday. It is probably because her routine is disrupted on Sunday, when we go to church and out to eat. She gets to see people, especially the man she finds interesting. She enjoys going to church, but the next day is often difficult with confusion and anger. I wish I could take her somewhere like church every day, but she doesn't want to do anything except on Sundays.
Yesterday I went to the senior center for exercise and companionship. I did something I never do. I talked about the things I used to do in my job. I realized how interesting I had been at one time in dealing with alligators and criminals. Today I thought that caregiving, while seeming mundane, is much the same. Caregivers wrangle with situations every day that most people would avoid. Maybe being able to do this is why some people are caregivers and others aren't. It gave me some pride to think this. Caregiving can take a lot away from the self esteem, but there is no reason it should. We should be proud that we can face what we do each day and keep on.
Sometimes she will go in the living room and sit bent over in her chair looking at the lower shelf below the TV. She isn't looking at anything, but I have a feeling her mind is tumbling. I know she is having a hard time with what she is going through.
My mother gets mad a lot. There are days when she is easy to get along with. Then there are days when demons take hold of her. I don't know what causes those days. Monday and yesterday were two of those demon days. Nothing could please her and I was working myself into the ground to try to fix the problems. I finally told her last night that she was killing me and to quit it. That just made her madder. One can't reason with dementia. But it may have helped. She woke up in a kinder mood today. Maybe she decided killing me is not something she wanted to do.
Oliviagus, I was having a hard time when I first came here, too. I felt like I had to find some on-the-spot support or I was going to turn into a ball of angry fire and explode. This site helps A LOT when I am angry. I have a couple of brothers, but they are not interested in what goes on here. It is really just Mom and me. That is okay, because I don't think my brothers could handle this, anyway. They are probably glad that I am here.
phsyc doc recently declared me to be in the best emotional health shes seen in the 5 yrs shes known me . i think im in a better place for having cared for mom ..
we took no shortcuts . i was accused of stealing from mom , trying to poison her and of being an imposter . being read up on the illness saved my sanity .
hospice even asked if i was ok at a point . i told them i read , dont worry about me -- thanks for asking tho ..
if my aunt in NH flips out on me im prepared to walk away without a word . her brain is nearly gone , anything could happen .. weve had fun for a year but i cant alter the course of a dying brain .
a little humor tho ; friend betsy stopped in with me to see edna last weekend . edna said no one told her i got married . she told betsy i was her ( ednas ) boyfriend . that was flattering i guess . one gal dont want me , another dont want anyone else to have me .. it takes a sense of humor to cope ..
Do you have siblings you could call? Could they help - even give you a few weeks off now and then? Do you have friends who would help out by watching your mother for a couple of hours so you could go shopping, go to a movie, go to dinner? Does your mother have a church? I found that my parents' church had a volunteer group of ladies who will come and help out from time to time.
It sounds like your mother is able to be left alone at times. My parents cannot, except for very brief errands. Take time for yourself.
But I strongly encourage you to talk to your doctor. I found that after I asked my doc for some anti-anxiety meds to help me remain calm, she prescribed an anti-depressant and it made a HUGE difference! My mother is still a pain, I just don't let it bother me as much.
But Kaz, I get that even knowing that they can't help it sometimes doesn't make it any easier...or any more pleasant...to live with and deal with, day in and day out... It's like a kind of torture. I can see how people can lose their cool now and again, and get snappy and grumpy with the elderly after awhile.... I've done it, too. Most of us have. Most of the time, you're good with them... But sometimes it's really hard to have that patience, and people
People need to get out more, away more. Honest to God, I think the only solution to all the care giver stress, mental anguish, worry, anxiety, sadness, anger, resentment, frustration, etc, etc, etc, is simply a whole lot more time away. It's like another poster said on here, if she knew she would have regular time away, she could probably do what it took as long as it took...but a lot of us don't have those options... We're not saints. Sometimes we get angry, and that anger is understandable with the more difficult elderly patents...some of them would try the patience of a saint...
That's why, imo, people just need to find more in their lives that they can look forward to, enjoy every day. Time away, imo, is the key to better care givers.... care givers that DO have more patience, aren't as frazzled, because they're not working unholy and ungodly hours by themselves around the clock...
No, it's never ok to harm someone that's weak and already down...but I get why caregivers are snarling and snapping, and gnawing at their chains...it doesn't mean we don't feel sympathy or compassion, or sadness, for those we're looking after...we do...but one body, one mind, can only go so far in the role of care giver, especially if they're mostly alone in it all.. .
I'm a firm believer that no one person should ever be required to take care of an elderly alz/dementia patient alone, or almost alone, 24/7, year after year. Ever. For any reason. Not because the patient is likely to get hurt, but because their care taker is declining in the giving, and nobody should have to give quite that much.... Imo, it takes a TEAM, around the clock, to take care of them, not one person, or even two.
My hours caring for my mom were absolutely brutal. It's against the LAW for any corporation to force a worker to work around the clock, day in and day out...yet that's what WE do. Year after year. What's against the law in the real world is alive and kicking in the free care giver reality. And then there's the fact that in that role, a lot of times nobody seems to give a crap what the hell happens to the one putting in those brutal hours behind the scenes. Care givers walk on a tight rope, sky high, trying to provide what their elderly charge needs, while still retaining enough time for themselves to stay sane... There were times if I got a couple hours sleep a day when my mom was sundowning, I was lucky... No corporation would expect anyone to work those hours, and they'd be up shit creek with the law if they did...but we do it every single day.... Imagine that. I broil a little at that injustice.. about the fact that I asked everyone and their brother about getting more help, and couldn't get anymore... I'm totally against people caring for alz/dementia patients by themselves, with minimal help.... It's ridiculous to think people can just keep it up forever, as science keeps bodies, forget minds, alive longer, and longer, and longer... God, how scary.... I'm glad I won't be around in the distant future...what if people live to be 120 by then?? *shudder* Glad I won't be their care givers... Anyway, we're good most of the time. The fact that none of us has strangled our elderly charges by now speaks well of us. lol If we get snappy some days, well, nobody on this planet is wearing a halo 24/7... we're human, not machines... Stay strong, Kaz, and take that time...SNATCH that time if you have to...for yourself... It's vital to your well being, which is vital to your mom.... *hugs*
My mum says why dont you stay in bed longer as youre always moody because youre not sleeping enough????????????? yep that must be it!
Im exhausted as im going to bed late so i can have a break from her and watch tv later then im up early to get more peace no wonder we dont get enough sleep?
Just been avoiding any crap lately cant be bothered dont feel like a daughter feel like an unpaid hired help!!!
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.
Mother Teresa once asked of us in America, "Why are your elderly parents not staying with you?" and the answer may well be "because we are not the Sisters of Mercy whose life work it is to take care of the poor and sick, not also trying to hold down a job, raise kids, and keep the bills straight at the same time, and YOUR poor and sick probably aren't your own personal parents ungraciously pointing out every little wrinkle in your blue striped saris or complaining about how ratty your sandals are getting and how the rice porridge is always too hot or too cold!" I don't know that I could really say that to her face, but thinking back to how Mom treated me, maybe I would! Caregiver guilt sucks, doesn't it...can I pretend with you guys that I will ever get over mine?
There are some things I do when I get really irritated with my mother. Sometimes I go for a walk or to the senior center to work out. Surprisingly the most effective thing is to visit my rabbits, who I would never be mean to. It calms me down to realize when I realize that me showing anger would frighten them terribly.
I know exactly how you feel. Caregivers have to put up with carp that humans were not intended to have to deal with. Sometimes I find myself in the worst times just saying Frakking Alzheimer's. The disease has kidnapped our lives and is holding us hostage. And no one seems to care, because it doesn't affect them. I'm so glad you have a friend that knows what it's like.
It just occurred to me that there is really no reason their anger and demands should upset us. We should just do the things that need to be done and let the rest roll off of us. It is hard to get past the person being the mother who once had complete charge of us. If you are taking care of her the best you can, then it is all you can do. Bless you for being there, and I hope you can rebuild your life on the foundation.
God love an keep you safe.