I have thoughts of running away from all this. I don't want to the caregiver anymore. I WISH I could just......leave.

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I feel I am a prisoner and have given up all my freedom and my life to care for my father in law. I WISH I could just......leave. I would be happy to just live in a cave compared to this. Have you ever felt anything like this? I used to feel guilty thinking this way...but now...it is actually sounding good to me. So I know I must be in trouble.

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Heidigreene...THANKS! You said a mouth and heart full. As you said, your In-laws may be content in their toxic, limited fearful life. Once we accept others as they are, not how we would like them to be the road of life becomes easier to travel. I'm learning this lesson for myself...not for my parents but for myself.

Somehow, some way the opportunity will avail itself for you to take a break and when the time comes do it without regrets. Do what you can, when you can for the betterment of you all!
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I know just how you all feel. My husband and I closed our business, moved from kids and grandkids, friends, our home etc. to come and be caregivers for my husband's mother AND father. We thought we would move into an apartment close by to them, get jobs and stop by daily to check on them. We had no clue once we got here the dire situation we were moving into. Them living alone was clearly out of the picture. We moved in with them, cleaned the house (they are hoarders as well as too old to really clean well), started the process of organizing doc appointments, meds, driving them everywhere etc. you know the routine.....I have been doing this for my in-laws with my husband since September and I have good days where I can detach with love and carry out my caretaking "duties" as I have committed to and I have hard days (like today) that I just want to run from the situation (I probably would have already taken off if I was not so committed to supporting my husband and my marriage).
My MIL is narcissistic. She has cancer is at a stage where we are practicing pallative care. The docs gave her a few months when we got here. Now they are just baffled by her. My FIL is a enabler and a total co-dependent. He is extremely unhealthy and has dementia/alz or parkinsens...they are still trying to diagnose. He is a dirty old man as well.
Everything I read about the end of life, the diseases, the narcissism helps me to set boundries and carry out what I came to do. I have to remember to only stay in today. If I ask myself, "Heidi, can you do this for today?" I usually answer, "yes I can, I may not like it but I can". If I start the "what if's" (like what if they live for 10 more years) I crumble. Today I can do this.
Their quality of life is so poor, but again, I remind myself that this is my opinion, it's not how I would want to live (or not live really). They may be perfectly content in their toxic, limited fearful life. I practice each day to have acceptence of them exactly as they are. I strive to remember that even though I cannot see it, there is God within them, it's just wrapped up in a nasty ball of fear, resentment, regrets and character defects. If I can remember that then I can be kind, patient, have tolerence and set heathy boundires. It's not easy. My MIL will not let anyone else care for her and getting a placement even for a weekend is difficult at best with two of them. We desperately need a break. I do not see one in the near future so again, I will stay in today and do what I think is right and go to bed tonight knowing I am doing the best I can right now.
Hang in there, I am.
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I found the BEST EVER AL...the entire family came to PROBATE and complained, even though NONE of them EVER HELP, and thought I was being mean!
PROBATE made me remove her and now I am stuck with the worst care givers. Changing agencies does nothing....they all stink. I am with you....lets just pack a bag, pay ourselves for the time we put in (I kept a journal) and hop a flight to some island! This is a thankless job with NO support from greedy family, and a mother that is so ungrateful as she lives in her fog of dementia.
I am ready to let them appoint a THIRD party that will drain her dry and then she will go on title 19, house sold and she WILL live in the worst nursing home ever. I have bent over backwards....for what?
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Please know that your frustration is normal and I am so thankful you are venting very loudly on here, I am very concerned about your situation. If you cannot afford to move out on your own as you said in an earlier post please contact your local Area on Aging and review with them subsidized housing that may be able to fit your budget, you mental health has to be managed as well. Please try to be strong and speak to your husband about your FIL. Prayers heading your way..!!!!

Blessings,

Bridget
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Oh yes, I am still feeling the same sometimes,too. Its kind of like being a prisoner in my own home and when I do get out, I live my a clock always in a hurry. I am thinking about hireing a weekend caretaker so that I can live my life with my husband, family, and Mom, and I will be a better caretaker for taking time off. I also know from an ALZ page that people with alz/dementia know how you feel even tho they cant tell you. Maybe these quotes will help, they helped me.
"Alz patients have the ability to read body language and voice inflections".
"They feel frustration, loss, happiness, sadness, joy and love".
"They lose thier ability to channel their feelings due to their brains but still have them."
"Please kiss my cheek and hold my hand and let me know that you are with me"
"PLease dont try and make me understand."
"I am confused beyond your concept, sad and sick and lost."
"I need you at all cost"
"The Best of me is Gone and I need You" "please just stay by my side until my life it Done"
I cannot imagine being unable to barely walk, or talk, but stil have feelings that I cannot express, I think if we need to let them know its ok and they arent a burden to us, even tho they are. Hang in there everyone.
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I know what you mean 54j. I've already told my sister,brother, and my husband that if I have to have a trach or a feeding tube like my dad. That I don't want that sh$#!!!!! To let my a$$ die. I would not want to put my little boy through the kind of hell me and my sister are having to live through every day. I love him too much to put him through something like this. And then to risk the chance that he might start feeling resentment towards me for having to take care of me. And that is what it has come to for me taking care of my dad. Take Care... Hugs stormy
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I feel the same way. I want out but when I do get out 4 hours a week...I worry about him. not that i dont trust the caregiver but i know exactly how he likes things. today has been really bad. I wanted to scream so much but he has no idea why i would do that. it seems like it just goes on and on. i know i will miss him but if he cant get better I wish God would see fit to take him on. I know the Bible and it says there is a time appointed for man to die. so i guess its just not his time yet but i hate seeing him like this and i am about at my wits end with only a few hours a week out. He follows me around the house like a puppy and wants me to just sit in front of him in a chair and look at him. does not talk unless he is ill about something. i dont know what its all about but i do know i dont want anyone to have to do it for me when and if i get this way. God Bless us all
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I see that you are making the same kind of comments on July 24 that you made on June 11, goincrazyinky. My heart goes out to you. I know you feel miserable.

Is it time to take some action? Venting here is fine, but it won't change your situation any.
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Inky, some of us might want to join you in a cave. It might be the only way some of us gets a vacation around here. I know there are days I wish I could find a rock to crawl under and hide from everyone... Good Luck to you!
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Inky, come back and talk to us! We care about you and don't want to think about you living in a cave. Let us know what's going on.
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