mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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A xmas tree.
A man opening a letter and speaking to his wife:
Honey, our lawyer wishes us, but in no way guarantees, a Merry Xmas.
A man opens the door to
his house. In front of him is the Grim Reaper, with his hood and scythe. In the living room is a shriveled up xmas tree.
The man is startled to see the Grim Reaper.
Grim Reaper:
Relax. I’m here for the xmas tree.
A Jewish boy sitting on Santa’s lap:
First of all, this conversation never happened.
A xmas tree. A man sitting on a sofa. The cat sits in front of him, giving him a beautifully wrapped box.
Man: If that’s another dead bird, we’re not doing xmas next year.
“Self-care is officially over, ladies. We’re doing drugs again.”
A reindeer speaking to Santa:
Sorry, Santa, but pulling your sleigh isn’t exactly the most fulfilling job in the world. So, I decided to enroll in nursing school.
“One more cookie and I swear I'll fit in the Santa costume.”
26 December
Santa is at the doctor's office. Doctor comes with the lab results.
Doctor: Bad news, Nick. You tested positive for Covid. Have you travelled anywhere in the last 24 hours?
A xmas tree is lying on the couch. A therapist is sitting in an armchair, with a notebook, taking notes. The xmas tree looks depressed.
Xmas tree: It turns out, none of the presents were for me.
“Keep calm and wait for Santa.”
“1 day of coal.
364 days of fun.
I’ll take my chances.”
“Santa saw your instagram pictures. You’re getting clothes and a Bible for xmas.”
“Be good or I will text Santa.”
“Keep calm and jingle all the way.”
“I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit, but the bottle won’t open.”
"Trickle down economy bin."
"Tips: another way to say THANK YOU for not playing Justin Bieber."
"Money is the root of all evil. Cleanse yourself here."
"Afraid of change? Leave it here."
"Help send my cat to ninja school!"
"Even the Titanic tipped!"
"On a scale $1 - $10 how attractive are YOU??"
"Tips: they're like hugs without the awkward body contact."
"Family kidnapped by ninjas. Need $$$ for karate lessons."
“Time,
The healer and the killer."
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”
“A person is wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn’t implement any of it.”
”Our entire universe is probably in a tiny jar somewhere, placed on a shelf in an alien child’s room as a science fair project that got a C-.”
12 december 2022…
“Uh-ohhh, that’s not good. Santa just unfriended me on facebook.”
“Hello doctor, I already diagnosed myself on the internet. I am only here for a second opinion.”
“I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.”
“Whale, whale, whale, so we meet again Monday.”
“It’s Monday again, you’ve got to be kitten me.”
“SANTA
knows when I’m sleeping,
he knows when I’m awake,
he knows if I’ve been good or bad…
I find that rather creepy.”
is losing her ever lovin' mind right now trying to get things done
and is probably threatening to cancel Christmas🤶
“Some people just need a sympathetic pat…
on the head…
with a hammer.”