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You call me your - best friend - , but where the heck were you when my selfie only got four likes?
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Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, inevitably both are disappointed.

- Albert Einstein
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My biggest fear is dying and going to hell, but then I look at you and realize that you will definitely be coming with me.
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Hey buddy, I think that you and I will definitely be friends forever.
Do you know why? Because we are too lazy to find new pals.
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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
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This killing them with kindness is taking way longer than I expected.
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I’m allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.
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Sometimes I wish that I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.
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Someday I am going to eye roll myself into another dimension.
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If your husband leaves his clothes on the floor it means that he doesn’t want them. It’s okay to throw them away. I’ll be back tomorrow with more marriage tips and advice.
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When people say, “You’re going to regret that in the morning” I sleep until noon. I’m a problem solver.
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Funny things that grandparents say:

I am going to bed. Y’all can stay as long as you like.

Come here and tell me all that you know. Ought not take too long.

Don’t believe anything that you hear and only believe about half of what you see.
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A priest, a Buddhist monk and a rabbi fall out of a plane.

The monk says, “It’s okay, we will all be reincarnated.

The priest says, “We will all meet in heaven.”

The rabbi says, “Am I the only one who remembered that we were going skydiving today?”
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Funny Yard Signs:

Wife caught husband cheating. Everything must go! Yard Sale!

No Solicitors
We are too broke to buy anything
We know who we are voting for
We have found Jesus
Seriously, unless you are selling thin mint Girl Scout cookies don’t stop here

Welcome to over the hillville.

The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run!

Ex boyfriend left me and stole my dog. I am selling all of his sh*t.

Yard sale! Cheating wife. All must go, just like her!
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I found my ex’s body in the morgue at work. It was very awkward.
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Let me get three shots of Grey Goose or is it geese? Just give me a flock of vodka.
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Smoke detectors are, ‘You suck at cooking’ detectors.
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Good tattoos aren’t cheap and cheap tattoos aren’t good.
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“Just one more tattoo and I’m done.” Said no one ever.
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Yes, I have tattoos and yes I have a job.
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It’s another day in paradise, minus the paradise.
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If you ever feel lonely, just dim the lights and put on a couple of horror movies. You won’t feel so alone anymore.
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My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt. It used to be a dolphin.
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I’m always looking for a gal who has tattoos because I say to myself, Here’s a girl who isn’t afraid of making decisions that she will regret later.’
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Love and Snakes…

So my girlfriend decided to get a tattoo of a huge snake on her back. Do it, I said but it might hurt a little.

She said, “I know, but It’s only a needle.” I said, I meant being single afterwards.
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Why don’t you like my tattoos? At least I can cover them up.

Your face on the other hand…
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What is a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the accordion but doesn’t.
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How do you get the trombonist off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
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Relative minor - the guitarist’s girlfriend.
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Perfect pitch - when you throw a viola in the toilet and it doesn’t hit the sides.
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