mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Wheeeeeeeeee!
😉🎅🏻 "Works 1 day a year. Spends the rest of it judging you."
“Dear Santa,
It was just 🎅🏻 a phase…”
"I have about 5 personalities. You're gonna get whoever wakes up first."
"I got out of bed for this?"
"Sloth mode activated."
"Nope. 🦥 Not today."
"Anything you can do, I can do slower."
"Born to be mild."
"I worked out today. I lifted my eyelids."
"Sloth running team. We'll get there when we get there."
"Please sloth down."
"I'm not lazy. I just really enjoy doing nothing."
"I'm too lazy to stop being lazy."
🥰 "Don't hurry. Be happy."
"It's Sunday. Movement is optional."
🐢
“Papa turtle to Son turtle:
You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you’re 500 years old, you’ll understand.”
“I’m the Solving-Your-Problems Fairy. I’ll come back…I’m going to need a much bigger wand!”
“The tune in my head keeps interfering with the song in my heart.”
“Wish me luck. I’m going in there and not coming out until all conflicts are resolved.”
“A mediator hasn’t worked, so I brought in everyone’s moms.”
“Don’t worry about getting older. You still get to do stupid things, only slower.”
”4 levels of crazy:
1. Talks to self,
2. Argues with self,
3. Interrupts self while arguing with self,
4. No longer speaking to self.”
“I’m not crazy, I’m just special!!…
…No wait…maybe I’m crazy
…One second…I have to talk to myself about this, hold on…”
"It takes skill
to trip over flat surfaces.”
"There is only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don’t want two of you around.”
"If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest…I would miss you so much.”
"I'm sorry. I don't speak Whinese."
Huh!
Apparently wisdom weighs about 40 pounds?
"What would have happened if you exterminated the ugliest guy and the dumbest guy in the world yesterday? Right, this post wouldn’t exist."
"I believe in my pet dog more than I believe in myself."
"Guess who’s posting self-deprecating stuff instead of doing something productive and worthwhile?"
"Don’t mind me. I’m just having an existential crisis. Move along, folks."
"Today’s a really wonderful day. I don’t trust it."
"Time to get back on my regularly scheduled nonsense."
"Is that the best you've got?"
"Those haters have no idea what they’re doing! I’ll show them how it’s done by hating myself the most."
"I sent that 'Ancestry' site some information on my Family Tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds, and suggested that I just start over."
"Let's have a family gathering for the remaining family members who still speak to each other."
"I'm not drugged enough yet to spend time with my family."