mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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"Valentine's Day.
Because love isn't
quite complicated enough as it is."
“I'm sorry we fought.
I hate it when
you're wrong."
1. Calling someone "buddy" because you forgot their name.
2. Carefully inspecting an item at the grocery store because someone is standing in front of the one you actually want.
3. Coming home from work, realizing the house is empty, and feeling immense relief.
4. Hitting the elevator button multiple times.
5. Reading directions on a box of food, throwing it in the trash, then retrieving it because you've forgotten everything already.
6. Accidentally sending a text to the person you're talking about.
7. Feeling personally victimized by an inanimate object.
8. Eating a "family size" bag of chips by yourself.
9. Lowering the music on your car stereo so you can see better.
10. Seeing an outrageous price on something at a store and pretending you're still considering it.
11. Offering some truly transparent fake laughter.
12. Sitting on your bed in a towel for far longer than necessary.
13. Carrying way too much from your car so you can "make it in one trip".
14. Buying 20 T-shirts, but only wearing three of them.
15. Going to the beach and spending 45 minutes looking for the perfect spot.
16. Buying a week's worth of fresh vegetables and not eating any of it.
17. Writing an angry, 9,593-word email to a family member and never hitting send.
18. Taking out your phone to check the time, then getting distracted by it and totally forgetting what time it is.
19. Pulling back the shower curtain just to make sure there are no serial killers hiding behind there.
20. Receiving a reply to your email, but re-reading the email you sent first.
21. Channeling your inner Adele in traffic only to realize another driver is watching.
22. Getting invested in a conversation you were eavesdropping on.
23. Secretly diagnosing everybody in the waiting room at your doctor's office.
24. Waiting a few minutes after a person sits down near you before leaving so you didn't hurt their feelings.
25. Taking a break from the internet on your computer to check out the internet on your phone."
🙂
“There is no one I’d rather lie in bed and look at my phone next to.”
"A couple in bed.
Wife to the husband:
If I die first, I'd like you to get married again. But only if she's ugly, older than me, and no fun."
Tinman to the Wizard:
I'd like a big...
uh...well...uh....
------
Little do most people know,
the heart wasn't the Tinman's
first organ of choice."
"Valentine's Day. A couple at home. Woman extremely happy.
Woman: Say it again.
Man: I'm wrong. I'm always wrong."
"Whale you be mine?"
"A couple on a date on Valentine's Day.
Man (talking to himself):
I can't think of anything interesting to talk about. I'm so boring! She must hate me.
Woman (talking to herself):
A man who actually listens to me! I think I'm in love!"
Chocolate is dark
Being married is no walk in the park
"This is nacho average Valentine!!"
Wife quizzing the husband. The conversation:
Am I fat? No.
Am I fat? No.
Am I fat? No.
Am I fat? No.
Am I pretty? Yes.
Am I fat? No.
Am I fat? No.
Love me? Yes.
Am I fat? No.
"HELLO...
Is it brie you're looking for?"
"Let me BRIE real
I think you're GRATE."
"Let it brie...
let it brie..."
"It was cheesy, but somehow they knew they'd always brie together."
"I know it’s cheesy but we’re meant to brie..."
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I want to order pizza and watch Netflix with you."
“Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate rhyming."
“Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m unoriginal, this is all I can do.”
“Roses are red, violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow, I bet you were expecting something romantic but no, these are just gardening facts. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
“You’re so sweet, you’ve given me a toothache.”
“Even in zero gravity, I would still fall for you!”
“Hey, my name’s Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?”
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have never met someone as weird as you."
"I love you more than Netflix binges and cat videos."
"Valentine's Day Money-Saving Tips:
Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th."
"I’d share my door with you if we were on a sinking ship."
“I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.”
"Without Valentine's Day, February would be...well, January."