Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

❤️
My therapist told me,
"Time heals all wounds."
So I stabbed him.
Now we wait...

A man walks into a bar. It was just a bit too low. Painful!

Two narcissists walk into a bar.
…. But not together, … of course.

A narcissist walks into a bar and sits down on a barstool.
Bartender asks, “What can I do for you?”
Narcissist says, “Don’t stand in front of the mirror.”

“They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.”

❤️ “My girlfriend is 21 and I'm 40. We went to a bar the other day, and everyone's calling us mean names, like paedophile, cradle robber, gold digger, etc. It was so humiliating. Completely ruined our tenth anniversary.”

“How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. Me. I am the best lightbulb changer in the world.” ❤️

“How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They'd have to be VERY small narcissists to be able to fit, let alone screw in one.”

“How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three narcissists, Me, myself, and I.”

❤️ “How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They won't let anyone change it so they can complain about it while they try to make you feel guilty for not doing it. At the same time, they'll tell everyone else around them how bad they have it because you don't love them enough to change the bulb. And they still won't let anyone change it.”

What does a narcissistic cow say?
"Meeeeeeee!"

“The narc is already too bright, no need for a lightbulb.”

“I'm not conceited.
Conceitedness is a flaw, and I don't have any flaws.”

❤️ “My narcissism is better than yours.”

“My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.
But that's impossible. As the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.”

“What's a narcissists favorite keyboard shortcut?
Ctrl U”

“How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they use gaslighting.”

“I’m not having much luck with jobs lately. ❤️ I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.”

Bundle! So nice to see you back 😍

The dance floor IS always under my feet & I must always remember it. I love this ❤️💃

“Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.“ ❤️

“The dance floor is always beneath your feet.” ❤️

"You cannot plow a field by turning it over in your mind. To begin, begin." ❤️

“We ask 18 year-olds to make huge decisions about their career and financial future, when a month ago they had to ask to go the bathroom.” ❤️

"It is often said that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living." ❤️

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.” ❤️

Need: I've switched over to Purple Heart donation curbside pickup. Easier than hauling items to Goodwill. Plus it helps PH Foundation.

I donated a ton of kitchen stuff to the thrift shop near me. I had at least 12 cup cake pans. My kids would always volunteer me to bake cupcakes for their class parties!

I decided to donate them afterwards because I knew that I would not be baking loads of cupcakes ever again!

Vases too! I had tons of vases from flowers that have been given to me over the years. My gosh, how many vases do we need?

Coffee mugs are another one. I have received a bazillion coffee mugs from my friends because they know that I am a coffee lover.

We can’t keep everything. We can’t be sentimental about every item. It feels great to purge all of our excess stuff!

My DH bought a dehydrator.
Thought it might be useful.
Sure. It can collect dust on that top shelf. And so it does.

Whoever invented upper kichen cupboards that go to ceiling height, thankyou. They are on my next kitchen wish list.

For awhile we couldn’t get aluminum foil. When it became available my husband was buying it everytime he went to BJ’s to buy his coffee. I told him to stop, I think we have enough until we die . I don’t even use that much foil to begin with . His response was “ It doesn’t go bad “.