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How did we kill time before smartphones? I honestly can't recall. I have a vague recollection of flipping through magazines in waiting-room-type situations, but what did we do, say, in line at the post office? Waiting for a bus? Waiting for someone to meet us at a restaurant? I mean, did we just look around or something?
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I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in.
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
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The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
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I don’t always ask my employees how the are.

But when I do, I walk away before they answer.
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When in doubt, look intelligent.
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I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
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I’m actually financially all right. But I’m so ugly I make onions cry.
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♥️ I'm so broke that Detroit is holding a relief concert for me.
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I'm so broke, bums look at me and say 'Sorry, no change...'
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I'm so broke that I

::SYSTEM FAILURE::
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I'm so broke that when people see me walking down the street wearing only one shoe they ask, "Did you lose a shoe?" And I reply, "No, I found one."
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Sorry BOJ, did you say something? I’m too broke to pay attention. Hee Hee!
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I was going to give my 2 cents on this...but ya know I'm broke.
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I'm so broke the homeless donate to me.
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I'm so broke that blind people can see how broke I am.
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I’m so broke when I rob a bank they let me have some money.
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I’m so broke that when my friends come over and ask to use the bathroom, I say, “Pick a corner.”
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I’m so broke my dog ran away to live with the guy holding a cardboard sign in the middle of traffic.
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I'm so broke I had to post this joke from the library.

If you have a question, I won't be able to respond till 8:30 in the morning.
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I am so broke that ducks throw bread at me.
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All I’m saying
is I’ve never
seen my ex and
Satan in the
same room.
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"Sometimes God sends an ex back into your life to see if you are still stupid."
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“I lived with a girl for a few weeks. It was nice until she found out I was there.”
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My girlfriend says that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.
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My teacher said I’d do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.
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I’m not much of a storyteller… interesting how that all started…
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When I was at school I was great at history… oh wait, no I wasn’t.
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