mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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A pharmacy.
Lots of vegetables and fruits on the shelves.
A pharmacist gives lettuce to the customer:
"Take one a day with tomato and cucumber."
🙂
"Modesty is just one of my fantastic attributes!"
"It's so nice to relax
after walking on eggshells for so long."
"Life has its ups and downs.
We call them squats."
"Do it tomorrow.
You've made enough mistakes for today."
"Starting tomorrow,
whatever life throws at me,
I'm ducking
so it hits someone else."
"The best part of waking up...
is still a mystery for me."
"You will meet 10 types of moms at your kid's school.
I'm currently avoiding 8 of them."
"The worst part about parallel parking
is the witnesses."
"I don't understand why judges get paid so much,
others judge me for free."
"I'd rather take coffee than compliments right now."
"That sounds really fun,
but I'm going to be busy
doing not that."
"I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open
looking for answers."
“Love is an inside job.”
"I just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet,
to see which one comes first...
I'll keep you posted."
“Calvin:
I’m at peace with the world. I’m completely serene.
Hobbes:
Why is that?
Calvin:
I discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists.
Hobbes:
Oh really?
Calvin:
Yes, I am here so everybody can do what I want.
Hobbes:
It’s nice to have that cleared up.
Calvin:
Once everyone accepts it, they’ll be serene too.”
🙂
"Don't count all your chickens
before they cross the road."
“I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.”
“How old were you when you learned that the game TAG stands for ‘Touch and Go’?
I was today years old…”
“I want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash.”
“Thoughts and prayers going out to anyone trying on last summer’s shorts.”
“Today is chest and leg day!
—me, ordering at KFC”
“My doctor told me to stop eating chocolate, so it’s going to be a big change for me. I’ve been with that doctor for nearly 20 years.”
“About 4 minutes into my run, I decided I want to work on my personality instead.”
"UNSTOPPABLE
if only I could get started."
"Never too late
for another bad decision."
"Hang on.
Let me overshare this."
"My disappointment
is disappointed."