mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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"Don't count all your chickens
before they cross the road."
“I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.”
“How old were you when you learned that the game TAG stands for ‘Touch and Go’?
I was today years old…”
“I want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash.”
“Thoughts and prayers going out to anyone trying on last summer’s shorts.”
“Today is chest and leg day!
—me, ordering at KFC”
“My doctor told me to stop eating chocolate, so it’s going to be a big change for me. I’ve been with that doctor for nearly 20 years.”
“About 4 minutes into my run, I decided I want to work on my personality instead.”
"UNSTOPPABLE
if only I could get started."
"Never too late
for another bad decision."
"Hang on.
Let me overshare this."
"My disappointment
is disappointed."
"I can totally keep secrets.
It's the people I tell them to who can't."
"Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow."
"Don't interrupt me while I'm in the middle of nothing."
"100% of people who use statistics in casual conversations are annoying."
"This will all make sense after coffee."
You may get the wrong half
"Sometimes getting out of bed
just ruins the whole day."
"Someday you'll go far,
and I hope you stay there."
"I'm still waiting for that fairy-tale scene
where the animals clean everything for me."
"I ate a donut without sprinkles.
Diets are hard."
"I spend 500% of my life exaggerating."
"Some people hear little voices inside their heads.
I hear the sound of little chocolates
being unwrapped..."
"I never said I disliked you.
I just said that if you were on fire, I might consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference."
"Let it snow...
somewhere else."
"I look normal
but believe me I talk to cats."
"Lord give me patience...
Because, if you give me strength, I'm going to need bail money to go with it."
"Wake me up before you cocoa."