mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“I’m fat but identify as skinny.
I’m trans-slender.”
“Smile – sunshine is good for your teeth.”
“If you don’t start out the day with a smile, it’s not too late to start practicing for tomorrow.”
"It's not my fault that I forget to floss.
My wisdom teeth aren't as smart as yours!"
SEX!!!!!!
Now that I’ve got your attention…
SMILE and have the best day possible…
❤️🙂
“In desperate need of a full body massage, $1 million and a trip to the Bahamas.”
“You know you’re desperate for an answer…
when you look at the second page of google.”
“Desperate times called,
they want their desperate measures back.”
"If alcohol kills germs
and laughter is the best medicine,
I'm the healthiest person on the planet."
"Whenever I'm feeling fat, I try not to stress about it
and just keep my chins up."
“Never mind beauty sleep.
I want skinny sleep.”
"Sometimes the weight you need to lose
isn't on your body."
"Boys will never understand
the struggle of long hair & lip gloss
on a windy day."
"I'm not saying you're stupid.
I'm just saying you've got bad luck
when it comes to thinking."
"Why do we feel safer under blankets?
It's not like a murderer will come in thinking,
'I'm gonna ki -- ...ah damn! She's under a blanket!'"
"Never sign up for a class called 'Boot Camp'!
It has nothing to do with shoe shopping!"
"I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
"Dear Colgate,
Now that you have added salt and lemon,
let us know when you add tequila,
so we can brush 6 times a day."
"Why can't I be comforted by carrots? Why does it have to be chocolate and donuts?"
"I save my carbs for alcohol.
It's called prioritizing."
"Most people don't act stupid...it's the real thing."
"Verdict:
You're a moron."
"No, no, I'm listening. It just takes me a minute to process so much stupid all at once."
"Does not play well with stupid people."
"I hate when
a couple argues in public
and I missed the beginning
and don't know whose side I'm on."
"A recent study has found that
women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than the men who mention it."
"Best lie you heard was
eat all your food so you can be big and strong...
...now look at you...
...just big."