mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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"How to keep up with laundry:
1. You can't
2. Find a new dream"
Grow Up
It’s
A Trap
"Not everyone is going to think you're
gorgeous, amazing and magical.
They're wrong though.
Jerks."
"I'm wondering how to comb my hair
so the horns don't show."
"There should be a summer camp for adults
where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks."
"It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is,
you're supposed to pick one of your own.
I know that now."
"Is a rivalry between two vegetarians
still called a beef?"
"I decided to kill off a few characters
in the book I'm writing.
I feel it will really spice up my autobiography."
"Shoutout to everyone
who got through the day without taking a nap.
Pulled an all-dayer today. Pretty tough."
"Can we just admit
we may have taken this
'anyone can grow up to become President' thing
just a bit too far?"
"How many times do you have to click 'I accept cookies'
before they send you the cookies?"
"Being abducted by aliens
might just be the vacation I need at this point."
"I've been watching my weight.
It's still there."
I like the type of people whose sense of humour
may be described as "inappropriate with a chance of ruining family dinner".
Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say,
"Skip Intro" when they start talking to you.
I'm so out of shape that if somebody yells, "Run for your life!",
I'll be like,
"You guys go on ahead. I'm going to meet Jesus."
I hate it when people say, "Well, it could be worse!"
Well, you know what Becky?
It could have been a h*ll of a lot better, too.
"I often wonder who Pete is
and why we do things for his sake..."
"I'm so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for 3 hours."
"It's not about how tired you are. It's about how tired you're making everyone else."
--My husband explaining bedtime to the kids
Then He had a better idea!
that they exist.
Lesson 10: ask people questions that give them an opportunity to talk about themselves.
What the h*ll is wrong with you?
"A lot of people are only alive
because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder."
Job interview.
Female employer:
I'm looking for someone who can do the work of two men.
Woman seeking employment:
So it's only part-time?
"Do y'all remember, before the internet,
people thought the cause of stupidity was the lack of information?
Yeah. It wasn't that."