mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies.
"Your pre-sneeze face freaks me out."
"Arrogance and stupidity all in one package.
How efficient of you."
I would like to get my smart watch to read 8 hrs. of sleep, instead of 3.
zzzzzzzz
zz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz !
"I just read the top 100 things to do before you die
and was surprised that
YELL FOR HELP
wasn't one of them."
"My son just showed me something he made and asked,
'Do you like it, or do you love it?'
and those are the only options I'm giving people from now on."
"Someday I'll behave myself,
maybe one day next week,
we'll see how it goes."
"Got my 1st date of the year already lined up!
I mean it's a court date
but it's still a date and I'm dressing up."
ATTENTION:
Due to recent setbacks, my summer beach body will be postponed another year. As usual your patience is appreciated…
Grunt, creak, groan, crack, crik, wheeze, snuck, ugh, pop, snap, oof, sigh, crack.
(The soundtrack of aging.)
"Be good to your spouse,
remember right now they could poison you
and it would be counted as a covid death."
"If you're having a bad day just remember that
someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper."
"I'm glad you're learning to laugh at yourself.
That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us."
In retrospect, that was stupid.
--The working title of my memoir.
"Don't be condescending.
(That's when you talk down to people.)"
"As the days go by, I think about how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"Most of my decisions are loosely based on
whether or not it's illegal or merely frowned upon."
"Just did a Tupperware inventory.
17 round containers. 2 square lids."
"I don't understand why you pay a shrink.
I'll tell you what's wrong with you for free."
"Them: I'll see you in h*ll!
Me: Call first. No pop-ins."
"A worm is a pretty disappointing prize
for getting up early if you ask me."
"If you're feeling a sudden calm,
it's because I took your voodoo doll out for a picnic
on a grassy hill.
You're welcome."
First one from Gary Larson, USA: Kangaroo to co-jumper: “Just jump, you fool. No need to shout Boing Boing Boing!”
Second one from an English 19c romantic novel, looking for down-under color: “They sat quietly in the shade of the gum trees, listening to the low moaning of the kangaroos”. (Kangaroos don’t make any noise at all, but when we have them just outside the window of the farm sunroom, we always try to pick the “low moaning”. No success so far)
Who is not buying this stuff?
Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid, and make bad decisions.
No dear, I drink straight from the bottle!
Those who do study history are doomed to stand by helplessly and watch everyone else repeat it!