Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Calling up my friend now so she can play in a bad country band or a rock n roll band with her Marimba.

P bear, it’s the musical note C and then the Note G.

If you playing a simple country song in the key of C for example, the bass will play these 2 notes quite a bit in an alternating pattern. There will probably be an F in there as well. It’s the OOMPA SOUND.  Like a tuba.


The three principal chords in the key of C are C, F, and G.  If you can play these 3 notes you can play bass in a basic country band...Or rock band...Or polka.....

A French foreign legion unit has a new captain, and the sergeant is showing him around. They see a camel, and the captain asks what it is for. The sergeant is clearly embarrassed , and says," Well, sir, we're a long way from wives and girlfriends and, well, the men have needs."

The captain wants to show that he is one of the guys and that the sergeant has nothing to be embarrassed about. He says, "I think I'll give that a try." He makes use of the camel's services, and then finds the sergeant staring at him in amazement. He says, "Well, Sergeant, isn't that the way the men do it?" The sergeant replies, "No sir. They use the camel to ride into town where there's a brothel."

Polar! - C, G is the most you can expect a bass player to concentrate on at any given time.

Haven't I heard some of these as viola player jokes?

As in, which is the best person to pick for your string quartet?

Santa Claus
The Pied Piper of Hamelin
A slow viola player
A quick viola player

Answer: the slow viola player. The others do not exist in reality.

Windyridge - I don't get what CG is.

DEFINITION OF PERFECT PITCH

When you throw the accordion in the dumpster and it lands right on top the banjo.

HOW TO TUNE A BANJO

STEP 1

Give up....


HOW DO YOU GET A DRUMMER OFF YOUR FRONT PORCH?

Pay for the pizza......


WHAT DO YOU CALL A BASS PLAYER WHOSE GIRLFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH HIM?

Homeless

HOW MANY GUITAR PLAYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

Just one....And 12 others to argue about how Clapton would have done it.

For the musicians out there........

The roll and roll band is having a good night. The bar is packed and they’re really in the groove. During a break a talent agent comes back stage, tells  the guys he loves their  sound, wants to sign them to a huge recording contract and start them on tour, all expenses paid.

They’re all estactic as they go back on stage. The lead guitar player is thinking about all the good drugs and groupies. The drummer is thinking how he can catch up on alimony, pay the mortgage and get a new car. The keyboard guy is thinking about the big boat and Harley he’s going to buy. The bass player is thinking....CG,CG,CG,CG................

A guy gets in lots of trouble, facing some hard time, so he runs off and joins the foreign legion. He ends up stationed in the middle of a vast desert. Many months go by. Poor guys about crazy. No booze, recreation, women, no nothing.

So he asks a comrade....What do you guts do for women out here? Guy says....Oh, once a year they’ll drive a heard of camels through and we take our pick. First guy....No f......... way I’d ever do that!

About a month later, guy wakes up, hears the thunder of hooves way out in the desert. He takes off running with all the other guts towards the herd of camels off in the distance. He notices there’s only 20 guys and there must be 100 camels. He yells to the next to him........Hey! What are we running for? There must be 100 camels?! Guy says.........Ya don’t want to get an ugly one do ya!?

TO BE SIX AGAIN

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kick-ball during recess.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.

I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, I want to be oblivious to the complications of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them. I want to be six again.

I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees & riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.

I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back.

I want to travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

I want to be six again

Hahaha. Funny Daughterof1930.

Here is my contribution for the day. Enjoy.

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: " as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around" he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
And one of them was assaulted

(Old favorite of mine that makes my now adult children roll their eyes)

Thank you dogperson and InMyShoe for your contributions.

Dogperson, I'm guessing you're the 2nd guy walking into the bar with the chihuahua. ;D

The Piper's Lament
(True story ??.... very moving)

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
 
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost on the way and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the grave-diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
 
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

A young man had just gotten his first real job and was wondering what to wear to work. He had always heard that to get ahead in the workplace, you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. So he went to work dressed as Spiderman.

Man went into a bar with his dog. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in the bar." Man says, "He's my seeing eye dog." Bartender says, "Oh, I apologize. Of course a seeing eye dog is allowed." The man has a drink and leaves. As he's walking out the door, another man is coming in with his dog, a chihuahua. The first one says, "Hey buddy, if you want to bring your dog in, you have to say he's a seeing eye dog." The man thanks him for the tip and goes on in. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in the bar." The man says, "He's my seeing eye dog." The bartender is skeptical and says, "A seeing eye chihuahua?" The man says, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"

Holy crap Phoenixdaughter! That was soooo hilarious!
But I think, after nearly wetting yourself, you’d understand why I think it was a wonderfully helpful story.
Was a bit constipated, took a laxitive yesterday and it hadn’t worked...yet.
I was relaxing on the bed after seeing my wife at her board n care. I was tearing up laughing, all along the way with this story. Then, I just burst out in such extreme laughter that, you guessed it!
I barely made it to the toilet! Damn you! And thank you!

OK. Here is my joke of the day.

WARNING - if you're anti-gun, you should not read this. And don't send me any message about it either. I am not promoting guns. The statistics were accurate for the year the joke was written.


Accidental Deaths

A) The number of physicians in the U..S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept.. of Health and Human Services.

*************

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

**********************

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

***********************

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

**********************

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

***********************

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!


**********************

Out of concern for the public at large,

We withheld the statistics on

lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

dogperson: Two days later, I got it! :-)

Thank you, everyone, for sharing these - I chuckled as I read them, and thought how clever they are.

Hahaha. Very funny . Thank you dogperson.

Pregnant woman goes into labor and tries to call her husband to take her to the hospital. She is unable to reach him, but fortunately her brother is available. He gets her to the hospital, she has boy and girl twins, and everyone is fine.

They finally reach the husband and he rushes to the hospital, very apologetic for having been unavailable earlier. His wife forgives him, and he says, "Well, what are we going to name the babies?" The wife says, "I told my brother he could name them, since he got me to the hospital in time." The husband says, "What?! Your brother's an idiot. How could you let him name our children?" She says, "He was here for me when I needed him, so it seemed only fair." He says, "What did he name them." She says, "He named the girl Denise." He says, "That's a good name. Maybe I underestimated your brother. Maybe he's smarter than I thought. What did he name the boy?" She says, "De nephew."

OK. Here is joke of the day. Enjoy.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Thanks dogperson and mountainmoose for your jokes. Very funny. I, polarbear, will post another joke later tonight.

But here's a short animal joke.

Person 1: What mouse walks on 2 legs?

Person 2: Hmm, I dunno.

Person 1: Mickey Mouse

Person 1 again: What duck walks on 2 legs?

Person 2: Hmm, Donald the duck?

Person 1: All ducks walk on 2 legs

:D

A mother arrives home exhausted after a long day at work. Her little girl pipes up, "Let me make you a cup of tea, Mommy!" Mommy says, "Oh, that sounds lovely." The little girl scampers into the kitchen and returns with a cup of tea. The mother slowly enjoys the cup. "Oh, that was wonderful. Thank you. But, tell me, how did you strain the tea?"

"I used the fly swatter, Mommy!" At the horrified look on Mommy's face, the little girl quickly added, "Oh, I didn't use the new one. I used the old one!"

Living will directive: If I'm ever on life support, turn me off. Then turn me back on. See if that works.

Older couple is watching TV one evening when the husband gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife says, "While you're there, will you get me a dish of ice cream?" He says OK and continues toward the kitchen. She says, "Aren't you going to write that down?" He says, "Write it down? Why would I do that?" She says, "Well, your memory isn't what it used to be. If you don't write it down, you'll probably forget." He says, "My memory's fine. I won't forget." She says, "And will you put some chocolate syrup on that ice cream?" He agrees and walks on toward the kitchen. She says, "You should write that down. You'll forget." He says, "I'm not writing it down and I won't forget."

A few minutes later, he comes back and hands her a plate of scrambled eggs. She looks down at the eggs, looks up at him, sighs deeply, and says, "And where's the toast?"

I was looking for a joke thread and found this one. A lot of good jokes. We all need a belly laugh at least once a day to keep our brains healthy. And that's no joke. So, I would like to revive this thread. Hope most of you can join in.

Here is my contribution for today.

I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better – everything Cow eats in one package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don’t drink unhappy – happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added – must be better – like fuel additive!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Ok one more. also from Readers Digest

.John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

I must have needed to laugh today. I saw this on Readers Digest:
Texting for Seniors:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

I posted this elsewhere but this one made me laugh since I was eight; "when I go, I want to go peacefully, like my grandpa did, in his sleep. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car."