Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Since Easter is on April Fool's Day this year, parents can save themselves a lot of time and trouble by just saying they hid eggs.

Bubba's pickup truck had crashed and caught fire. It was assumed that the body inside was Bubba's, but it was difficult to be sure because it was so badly burned. The sheriff and the medical examiner were discussing the problem at the morgue.

The medical examiner said, "Well, it could be Bubba and probably is, but I can't really say for sure because of the condition of the body. We'll need to get dental records to tell for sure." The sheriff said, "Yes but that will take time. I'd like to be able to tell his family something before that." The medical examiner said, "Bubba's friends Vern and Elmer aren't the brightest Crayolas in the box, but they probably know Bubba better than anybody else. If anyone can look at this body and say whether it's Bubba, it would be one of them." The sheriff said, "Ok, I'll go find them and ask them to come take a look."

The sheriff came back with Vern and Elmer. Vern came in to look at the body. He said,"I don't know. It's hard to tell since the body is so burned. Hey, I know. Turn him over onto his stomach." They rolled the body over, Vern looked closely and said, "That's definitely not Bubba." They turned the body back over and brought in Elmer. He said, "It's really hard to say. Turn him over on his stomach." Elmer took a close look and said, "Ok, now I'm positive that isn't Bubba."

The sheriff said, "I don't get it. You both look at this body from the front and can't tell, but you both look at it from the back and you're sure it isn't Bubba. Why is that?"

Elmer said, "Because Bubba's got two a$$holes." The sheriff and medical examiner both stared at him in amazement, and Vern said, "Yeah. That's how I knew it wasn't him."

The medical examiner said, "I've been a medical examiner for over 20 years and I've never heard of such a thing. Has either of you actually seen this condition?" Elmer said, "No, but it's true. Everybody knows it." The sheriff said, "What do you mean everybody knows it? How do you know everybody knows it?" Elmer said, "Well, every time me and Bubba and Vern go anywhere, people say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes.'"

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.
So I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem Solved.

These jokes are really funny! Hey, if you can't laugh about the situation, all you'll do is cry.

Heard in the operating theater "no,no! nurse!! I said remove his SPECTACLES!" (that one always makes my men friends wince)

I read a story about doctors some time ago and this is one of the best.
A gyno was to perform his first unsupervised exam on a lady. He was nervous as could be. So to hide his nervousness he began to whistle a tune. The patient began laughing almost uncontrolled. When the Dr. ask what was so funny, she responded that the tune he was whistling was the Oscar Meyer hot dog tune.

The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...
But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

My husband was very pleased with me. I managed to eat most of what was on my plate. I eat little an often but this one was a little bigger than usual.

He said to me
"Well done. That will make you a big, strong, girl"


One out of 3 isn't bad. Hahahaha
Well I am 72/3(so not a girl), Have arthritis (so not strong) overweight hahaha
If you cannot laugh at yourself, should you really laugh at others?
With YES but AT????

Husband and wife are sitting around one evening and she asks, "Dear, if I died, would you remarry?" He says, "Well, I suppose I probably would. You'd want me to, wouldn't you? You wouldn't want me to be lonely?" She says, "That's true. But would you let your new wife wear my jewelry?" He says, "I guess. You wouldn't have any use for it, so I suppose she might as well, don't you think?" She says, "I suppose so. Would you let her drive my car?" He says, "Well, again, you wouldn't be driving it, so I suppose she might as well get some use out of it." She says, "That makes sense, I guess. Would you let her use my golf clubs?" He says, "No, she couldn't use those. She's left handed."

Did you hear about the man who boiled a hyena? Made himself a laughing stock.

Thank you all for the jokes - i'm laughing like crazy and my DH thinks i'm finally cracking up.

Why did the Israelites wander in the desert for forty years?

Moses refused to stop and ask for directions.

Not exactly a joke but I saw a funny saying on a t-shirt: I don't have kids. My dog's allergic.

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"

Then I wait at a green light to make me feel good about myself.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...
Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think the rabbit died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that our rabbit died?”

The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave the dead rabbit a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”

I'm not a very good electrician. Many people are shocked to learn that.

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.
Would it kill them to write few sentences?

Wife: You’re shirtless?
Me: Yes
Wife: And also covered in ... oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! You never listen!
Me: Ohh

I should have posted this one yesterday for the Ides of March, but it's just as bad a pun a day late:

One day a woman found a berry that was so beautiful and perfect that people came from miles around to admire and praise it. One day a thief knocked on the door. The woman's husband answered and, not knowing the man was a thief, asked him, "Have you come to admire and praise my wife's berry?" The thief replied, "I have come to seize her berry, not to praise it."

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

My girlfriend told me, "I need it! I'm so wet! Give it to me, now!"
I told her she can scream all she wants, she's not getting my umbrella

What language is the least spoken language in the world ?
Sign language

A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Old guy in nursing home having 100 th birthday. His great grandsons thought it would be cute to send a hooker to his room. Beautiful girl shows up wearing only a mink coat. She pulls the coat open just a bit and says.....I’m here to give you some Super Sex! Poor old guy replies.....Could I just have the soup please?

A retired man in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what hair was left on his head.

“This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal when he spotted a highway patrol trooper in his rear view mirror–blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he flew down the road at over 120 mph! Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.”

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”

The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”

Old guy working out in the gym with his trainer. A pretty young girl walks into the gym. The old guy asked his trainer "what machine do you think I should use to impress her"? The trainer looks at the girl then looks at the old guy and says "The ATM in the lobby". Bam Dum dum...

A guy went to a zoo hoping to see a lot of different animals, but all they had was one little dog. It was a shih tzu.