Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

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Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

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Advice on transitioning my 66-year-old mother to independent or assisted living facility?
Is anyone dealing with a husband with early-onset Alzheimer's? I am completely lost and alone and looking for someone going through this too.
Any advice for making a facility move as easy as possible?

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B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 1 · 2018-08-16T10:19:12.000-0400

"Hey Dad, did you get a haircut?"

"No son, I got them all cut."

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 2 · 2018-08-15T18:41:17.000-0400

Last words of a highly poisonous snake?

"Drat, I bit myself on the tongue!"

F FrazzledMama Aug 2018 · Answer 3 · 2018-08-12T21:21:29.000-0400

An elderly husband says to his wife, "I've been texting you all day and you didn't answer." His wife says, "Dear, that's the calculator."

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 4 · 2018-08-12T16:10:51.000-0400

I needed a password eight characters long.
So I picked - Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 5 · 2018-08-12T15:57:17.000-0400

Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse.

What can I do?

Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure.
I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?

F FrazzledMama Aug 2018 · Answer 6 · 2018-08-11T23:39:34.000-0400

Sad news, but my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 7 · 2018-08-11T11:11:36.000-0400

Finally, the spring is here! I'm so thrilled I wet my plants.

Wrong season but who cares lol.

F FrazzledMama Aug 2018 · Answer 8 · 2018-08-10T21:30:45.000-0400

I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist. That's the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 9 · 2018-08-10T12:00:27.000-0400

What cheese can never be yours?

Nacho cheese.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 10 · 2018-08-10T09:09:48.000-0400

It is important to make breaks between individual exercises.

I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years

C Cats4Ever Aug 2018 · Answer 11 · 2018-08-08T22:48:30.000-0400

Why didn't the fisherman enter the fishing contest.

He wanted off the hook.

F FrazzledMama Aug 2018 · Answer 12 · 2018-08-08T13:09:14.000-0400

I have a great HIPAA joke, but I can't tell you.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 13 · 2018-08-07T17:53:41.000-0400

What is more important than inventing the first telephone?

The second one. :)

A AshTee7 Aug 2018 · Answer 14 · 2018-08-07T14:55:07.000-0400

Thank you for sharing these. It helps me find a laugh in my busy days.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 15 · 2018-08-07T14:51:54.000-0400

Smile and the world smiles with you.

Fart and the world suddenly stops smiling.

R Riverdale Aug 2018 · Answer 16 · 2018-08-06T19:02:15.000-0400

This may be considered racy but I mean it as a true laugh and will apologize in advance if I offend anyone. My younger daughter gave birth to her first child 4 months ago. She is 34. She was discussing timing of a second child with her older sister (also my daughter) who has 2 children 20 months apart. Younger daughter said she needed to give her vagina a rest. Older daughter told me this and said was she planning on taking it out on tour.

C Cats4Ever Aug 2018 · Answer 17 · 2018-08-06T18:17:17.000-0400

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with an agnostic with an insomniac?

Someone who stays awake all night trying to figure out whether there really is some kind of a dog.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 18 · 2018-08-06T16:35:36.000-0400

What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants

F FrazzledMama Aug 2018 · Answer 19 · 2018-08-06T16:30:53.000-0400

The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Please use your blinker.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 20 · 2018-08-05T13:12:21.000-0400

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her
nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I’ll take the soup.”

F FrazzledMama Aug 2018 · Answer 21 · 2018-08-05T11:38:32.000-0400

We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 22 · 2018-08-05T04:45:15.000-0400

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

C Cats4Ever Aug 2018 · Answer 23 · 2018-08-04T21:39:28.000-0400

Four optimists were in a car wreck. They were so positive they could beat that train to the crossing.

C Cats4Ever Aug 2018 · Answer 24 · 2018-08-04T21:36:33.000-0400

Will you quit interrupting me while I'm trying my best to annoy you.

F FrazzledMama Aug 2018 · Answer 25 · 2018-08-03T21:26:22.000-0400

I'm not an early bird or a night owl. I'm some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

C Cats4Ever Aug 2018 · Answer 26 · 2018-08-03T12:32:55.000-0400

I'm bookmarking this for later, but here is one for you.
What did the lawyer wear to the masquerade party??

A "lawsuit."

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 27 · 2018-08-03T12:09:16.000-0400

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts.

He’s happy to take some.

He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 28 · 2018-08-02T17:43:01.000-0400

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

An extraterrestrial.

Extraterrestrial who?

What – how many extra-terrestrials do you know?

B BuzzyBee Aug 2018 · Answer 29 · 2018-08-02T11:58:43.000-0400

Mom, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby?

He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and farts.

***

85% of married life consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the house.

B BuzzyBee Jul 2018 · Answer 30 · 2018-07-31T19:14:07.000-0400

."A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test.

She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.

Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."

Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”

Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

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