Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Buzzy,
These are jokes, right?
I am so not offended, and so not upset.

If you did edit all the funny parts out (like what we SHOULD be doing for our husbands), the joke would be just boring, because we have all of us likely thought to just shoot him.

I was too late to edit my last post.
For those that do no know me by now or have not noticed. :)
I am a 'glass half full' type of girl (old girl hahaha) with a weird sense of humour.
So I will lay off the jokes for a while as I do not wish to offend or upset anyone.

This is on a cup mat that I bought my husband years and years ago Yes I chose it. lol

HOW TO TREAT YOUR HUSBAND
Always kiss him when he goes out or comes in.
Always give him the best chair for watching the television.
Don't ask him where he is going, when he steps out at 9.45pm.
Always have a meal ready for him each evening.
Always give him what you save weekly out of the housekeeping.
Do all you can for hi.
If that doesn't satisfy him - shoot him!

Do you know why cannibals don't like clowns?

They taste funny.

I was going to stop with the jokes for a while but then I heard this one. ;)

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An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID
"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."
The bartender apologised, but said he had to see the license.
The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.
"The tip's for carding me," he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup.
"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?

This is a joke - not me. I have a husband lol

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood.

Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps
the doctor away, right?”

“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”

Blasted Auto Correct!!!

I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult,"
but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

I hear they are going to open a restaurant on the moon.....the food is great but there is no atmosphere

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him,
"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Three doctors are out geese-hunting.
A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese."
Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some blood work to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first." Some more geese fly over.
The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky.
"What were those things, anyway?" he asks.

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game.
Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse.
They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed.
Then came the second half.
When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

A husband is reading his morning paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

“Hey!” the man shouts, “What was that for?!”

“I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket,” the wife says, “and it had the name ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

“Jeez, honey,” the husband responds, “I can explain. Remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

The wife shrugs and walks away. Three days later, the husband is once again reading his newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with the frying pan.

“What was that for!” the husband asks.

The wife says, “Your horse called you.”

Very funny BuzzyBee. Thanks for the laughs.

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

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A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

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A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.

I did the tech one earlier - now here it is for the other gender ;)

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User




Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
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Me: Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri: The second page of a Google search.
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Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o
Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officer:Double click on ur computer..
Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer:“My Computer”..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.

BuzzyBee.... I am crying I am laughing so hard regarding the Tech Support :))

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

*************

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

Autocorrect always makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

********

The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you're talking to the drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
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Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
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Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

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Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

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Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, "Hurry, hurry! It's going to rain and we left the top down!"

FROM ME : I ALSO HAVE BEEN A BLOND IN MY TIME (I THINK - AGEING MEMORY) LOL

Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o
Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officer:Double click on ur computer..
Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer:“My Computer”..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.


and

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law? A judge.

Siblings had to put Mom into a SNF and felt really bad about it and worried themselves.
After a few days the kids went to visit MOM. they ask her how she liked the place. Mom started answering that the food good, the help was friendly and pleasant, the garden was beautiful. And while answering and telling she began to lean to one side. Immediately an aide came running over to catch Mom and straighten her up. Some she started to lean the other way. Again an aide ran over and straightened her up. When the aide left Mom said her only complaint was that they would not let her fart.

Man called the fire department in a panic, "Help, help, the house is on fire!" Dispatcher says, "Calm down, sir. We're going to help you. Now first, is everyone out of the house?" Man says, "Yes. We're all outside." Dispatcher says, "Good. Now can you tell us how to get to your house?" Man says, "Don't you still have those big red trucks?"

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"