Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

A longer one - worth reading to the end.
**********************
An elderly woman, well into her eighties, slowly entered the front door of a 'Sex Shop'. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbled the few feet across to the counter.
 
Finally grabbing the counter for support, and s-tut-ter- ing, she asked the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"
 
The clerk, (trying hard not to laugh), politely replied, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. . ."
 
The old woman then asked: "Doooo youuuu carry aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns on bbaatteries?"
 
Trying not to laugh, and with a little smile creeping around his mouth, the clerk responded, "Yes, yes we do."
 
She stammered, "Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"

I'm changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook.
Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."

I don't have a joke to add, but I sometimes do videos of me and Mom to share on my blog. Some of you care giving for your parents may find this ornery old lady as funny as me!
www.stumpedtowndementia.com/blog-1/terms-of-indifference

“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?” 
 “She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
 “So? Maybe she was.”
 “Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”

Why don't witches wear panties?
They get a better grip on their brooms!


my bad :)

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.

I posed this question to my thoughtful father:
"If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"
He replied, "Russia."

So I have a question.

If I am from Poland, people will call me a pole. Does that mean if I'm from Holland they will call me a hole?😁

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. 
He keeps standing by the window, staring.
If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor,
“Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. 
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

What does the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
"Aye Matey."


Thought it was time for a silly one. :)

Q: What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks?

A: A 1980’s hairdresser!

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed.
Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

So great thank you all for the laugh I needed that thank you

An old man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "there's something stuck in my ear!"
The doctor looks in the old man's ear. "It looks like a suppository," he says.
"Well," says the old man, "now I know what happened to my hearing aid."

Want to hear a room full of sweet little old ladies cuss?
Have another sweet little old lady holler: BINGO!

Love it!

Don't let your worries get the best of you.
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Why did the Zen master refuse Novocaine when he had his tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Why is the butt divided vertically and not horizontally?
It would clap nicely if you ran down the stairs.

Ok, now stop imagining it. lol

Last night, I dreamt I was drowning in an orange sea.
It rook me a while to realise it was just a Fanta Sea.

BB, that is hilarious.

My husband and I joke like that, so it tickled me to see others find that humor humorous.

We have new friends wonder if we are going to start scrapping when we joke, old ones play along and get involved.

Laughter dooth good like medicine.

This is a long one, but it tickled me. :)

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note saying, 
"I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me." She then hid under the bed to watch his reaction.
 After a short while the husband came home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom.She watched him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. 
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before he picked up the phone and called someone. "She's finally gone ... Yeah, I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to pick you up. Put on the sexy french stuff. I love you."
He hung up, grabbed his car keys and left. 
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage. With tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he'd written:
"I can see your feet. Stop being retarded. We're outta bread, throw the kettle on. Back in 5 minutes."

Why men's voice is louder than women? Men have an antenna.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My cousin, Paula, is caring for her 92-year-old father in Florida. She posted this during the recent hurricane and I just had to share...
"Dad was glued to the television today. This is the first time he’s seen a hurricane play by play on the television. It was very surreal to him, and I don’t think he completely understood. Having lived in California for so long, he couldn’t quite grasp the concept of hours and days of winds and pouring rain. As a result of the bad weather, we get the warnings across the television screen about tornadoes and wind gusts. Dad had to put his own spin on this because today was shower day...
Dad calls me out of the office and says, “There’s a severe alert.” I say, “What’s that?" He says, "There’s a warning about showers." I said “Yes, there are severe showers.” He says "No, there’s a risk of danger for people to take showers at this time." I looked at him and said “What?” Dad said, “Yes, there’s a risk of death for anyone to take a shower during a hurricane.” He said “If we can put this off for a day or so, you might be saving a life” I almost doubled over I was laughing so hard. He received a pardon until tomorrow for the best delivery of ‘funny’ of the day."

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Imagine this joke told by an elderly lady with an Eastern European accent, which is who I heard it from:

A man went to the doctor for a check up. At the end of it the doctor presented the man with a large bill for his services. The man paid it, saying to himself, "That is OK, he must live."

The man went to see the pharmacist to fill the prescription the doctor had given him. The prescription was quite expensive. But the man paid it, thinking, "That is OK, he must live."

The man then went home, went upstairs and threw the prescription out the window, thinking to himself "_I_ must live!"

I love the jokes, BuzzyBee!