mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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"All stressed out
and no one to choke."
"In the entire history of the word 'Fine'
it has never been used by a woman
to mean everything is good."
"I don't know how to put this nicely...
so I won't."
"Trust me
you do NOT want my
undivided attention."
"Love is in the air?!
Wrong.
Nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon
dioxide are in the air."
"I turned my phone on airplane mode
and threw it in the air.
WORST TRANSFORMER EVER."
"Sometimes I think I should try to be more compassionate and understanding...
and then you start talking..."
"Of course this is my real personality.
Who the h*ll would fake THIS?"
"Sorry, but I'm all out of sugarcoating."
"When I was your age, we had to walk to the TV to change the channel."
"Changing the toilet paper
will not cause brain damage."
"It's like winter is really mad and
keeps storming out of the room and
then coming back, yelling, 'And another thing!'"
"Let's eat kids.
Let's eat, kids.
Use a comma.
Save lives."
"I was admiring your parking.
Seriously, I did not know
that the blind could drive."
"Lost unicorn:
If found, please stop doing drugs."
"Parent/teacher night:
Let's share the blame."
"At the doctor's office.
Doctor starts googling my symptoms."
“Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and sense of humour, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.”
“Sometimes it freaks me out that there’s a skeleton inside me.”
"I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks.
Don't they hear the music?"
"I resolve to delude myself into thinking
I'll be a healthier and more productive person next week."
"Dolphin speaking to another dolphin:
If I could do only one thing before I died, it would be to swim
with a middle-aged couple from Connecticut."
"A dog walking away from the owner, unhappily. The dog says to himself:
It's always good dog, never great dog."
"Why am I
the only naked person
at this gender reveal party?"
"Taco EMERGENCY.
Call 9 Juan Juan."
"If by 'crunches' you mean
the sound bacon makes when you eat it,
then yes I do crunches."
"On occasion, you should introduce the upper lip
to the lower lip, the result
is absolutely amazing."
"I don't argue with the world.
The world argues with me."
"If you see someone over 40 out in public after 9 pm,
they 100% took a nap earlier in the day..."