mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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"Told you so."
Sincerely,
Your intuition
“Spent the morning at the farmer's market,
carefully selecting fruits and vegetables
to throw away next Sunday."
"If Facebook taught us anything, it's that
a lot of you, are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee."
"I ran into my ex the other day.
I could have sworn the light was green."
"Vegetarians live up to 9 years longer than meat-eaters.
9 horrible, worthless, baconless years."
"Are you always this stupid,
or are you making a special effort today?"
"If I listen closely enough,
I can hear my guardian angel sobbing."
"These are some sounds I just love...
--shoes on gravel
--crackling of fire
--the snapping of necks of those who disrespect you
--cats purring."
"The angel on my shoulder
is purely decorative."
"One of the weirdest things about being an adult is
having a favorite stovetop burner,
yet nobody talks about it."
“With my luck
I'll probably be reincarnated
as me."
“Everyone complains about the weather
but no one wants to sacrifice
a virgin to change it."
“Everyone around me keeps telling me I'm mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they're ugly."
"Whose bright idea was it to
allow spiders on the ark?
I want names."
"Look around.
All that clutter
used to be money."
"When I offer to wash your back in the shower,
all you have to do is say yes or no.
Not all this 'Who are you and
how did you get in here?'
nonsense."
"Two things to make your day better:
1. Do not watch the news.
2. Stay off the bathroom scale."
"Just so we're clear
I'm way more inappropriate in real life."
"I think the lightbulb
above your head needs to be changed."
"I'm not saying your perfume is too strong.
I'm just saying the canary
was alive before you got here."
Keep calm
because someday
these “Keep calm” signs
will go away.
Alternatively…
Freak out
&
Cry a little
Keep calm
&
Order pizza
“A man standing on top of a mountain, after a long, torturous climb, says:
Ever go somewhere and completely forget why you’re there?”
"I love it when my pet sighs,
like what ails you
my little unemployed freeloader."
"Never compliment a woman
on her mustache,
no matter how epic it is."
"All complaining positions
are currently unavailable."
"My door is always open.
Hopefully you'll leave."
"Life is good...
You should get one!"
"Don't you wish some people would start using
glue instead of lipstick?"