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"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
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"That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there's actually somebody inside."
(2)
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:) "If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth."
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:) "I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."
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You can't keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of you
if you keep giving them a straw.
(5)
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“Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.”
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“Give up carbs? Over my bread body.”
(1)
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“Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.”
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“Best friends are those who don’t say anything when you show up at their door with a dead body. They just grab a shovel and follow you.”
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:) "My friends are a bad influence...and I would like to thank them for that."
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“They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everybody else had clothes on.”
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“You can lie down for people to walk on you and they will still complain that you’re not flat enough.”

:) Live your life.
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:) “The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
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“I may look like a potato now, but one day I’ll turn into fries and you’ll want me then.”
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:) 2 more fun facts for the day. have a great day, everyone! :)

——

“There are more people in California than Canada.”

“Slugs have not one, not two, not three... but four noses.”

:)
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:) “FUN FACT: The dog ate John Steinbeck’s homework—literally. The author’s pup chewed up an early version of Of Mice and Men. “I was pretty mad, but the poor fellow may have been acting critically,” he said.”
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:) “FUN FACT: It’s impossible to hum while holding your nose (just try it!).”
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:) "FUN FACT: Penguins have knees."
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“Anger is just sad’s bodyguard.”
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"If I was Snow White you'd never be able to kill me with an apple...you'd have to poison an eclair or something..."
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"Honestly, I don't even play an active role in my life anymore...Things just happen & I'm like, 'Oh, is this what we're doing now?' Ok."
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"My life is an open book, but it's very poorly written and I die in the end."
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:) "Where there’s a will, I want to be in it."
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"Infinite loop: see ‘Loop, infinite’. Loop, infinite: see ‘Infinite loop’."
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:) "Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot."
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:) "If it’s not broken, let’s fix it till it is."
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:) "Enjoy your job, make lots of money, work within the law. Choose any two."
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:) "Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when you were five: staying up late and eating Lucky Charms for dinner."
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"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
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"Don't spend two dollars on drying clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy-five cents."
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