Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

"Let’s wander where wifi is weak."

Hah, InMyShoes. I like to say that aliens file humans under "Incomplete." lol

I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

Copied from FB: had a small problem with airport security while meeting a friend... apparently they don't like it when you call out "Hi Jack!"

"The living should smile, for the dead cannot."
:)

"Don't worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex's name tattooed on their body."

"Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too!"

"Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn't forward that email to 10 people."

Why does the sun come out during the day instead of at night when it would be more useful ?


SMH!

A piece of sliced bread is lying on the couch.

Therapist taking notes.

Bread:
I miss being the best thing…

Some jokes I share with my mansplainy Alzheimer dad:

Him: When you're cooking, dont get too close or you might burn yourself.
Me: Thanks for the tip! Want to show me your real skills and finish cooking this for me so I can learn?
Him: ....Nah I'm good.

Him: Dont forget to look back as youre backing up the car.
Me: Dont worry. I only killed 4 people, but nobody saw me.
Him: Oh, alright. Then that's good.

Him: All my friends are dead, I guess I"m the next to go.
Me: Well, what would you like to do before you go?
Him: Nothing...
Me: Then ya better get going!
**I would never say this out of spite. I say this to make him laugh, which he does.**

There are 2 different kinds of people in the world. And they don't care about each other.

There are 2 different kinds of poeple in the world. Those who make spelling msitqakes and those who correct them.

There are 2 different kinds of people in the world. Those who forward this message to 10 people and those who die within 24 hrs.

There are 2 different kinds of people in the world. Those who make sense in a sentence and those who ate a sandwich today.

There are 2 different kinds of people in the world. Those who are wise, and those who are otherwise :-)

Wife: It seems all the men in the world use one brain.

Husband: (I can’t think of a come-back right now. It’s not my turn to use the brain.)

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, you will be one mile away, and have their shoes.

quote by jack handy

I will attribute this as soon as I can remember the name of the stand-up comedian I heard recounting his divorce...

"So we split the house - I got the outside."

Dog lying happily on the floor.
A genie lamp is next to him.

The genie hovers above the dog:

You have just one more wish. Are you sure you want -- another -- belly-rub?

Divorce lawyer:

Then it's settled. Debra gets the house and cars and you get a participation trophy.

--"So, you're at your computer 18 hours a day, never exercise and rely on caffeine. What's your blog about?"

--"Health."

Marriage counselor office.

The counselor taking notes.
A couple. The woman says:

"He's handsome, sincere, generous, intelligent, supportive, patient, successful, romantic, strong, funny, energetic, thoughtful, sensitive and kind ---
but sometimes he leaves the cap off the toothpaste!!!"

Woman and man at a table. Man looking up from his newspaper.

Woman:
You grunt a lot better since we took that marriage communication workshop.

Young woman walks into the living room.

Young man in armchair, reading his newspaper.

Woman, trying to remember:

What did I come in here for?

Man:

You wanted to have sex.

Elderly woman in robe and slippers, standing.

Elderly man in armchair, reading his newspaper.

Woman:

You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.

Man:

I didn't expect to live this long.

Woman on the phone hears:

"If the people in your family tend to live a very long time, please continue to hold. Otherwise hang up and get on with your life."

Doctor to patient:

After age 40, all food is bad for you. Learn to chew air and eat rocks."

"I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what comes out of my mouth."

Grass. Outdoors.
A desk on the grass.

Dog, wearing glasses, at his desk and typing on his typewriter.

Man, on the phone, inside the house:

This is Ed down the street...Your dog is doing his business on my lawn again!

Ways to Settle Arguments:

--the sword
--hugs
--the rifle
--CAPS LOCK

Man lying on a couch.
Therapist taking notes.

Man:

I need an authority figure to tell me I'm free.

Man and woman sitting on the sofa.

Woman looks up from the book she's reading:

I'm sorry, dear, I wasn't listening. Could you repeat what you've said since we've been married?

A clam on a couch.
Therapist taking notes.

Clam:

Truth be told, I'm not that happy.