Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Edna (a witch) lives in a house opposite Zelda (another witch). Zelda's house is made of gingerbread, covered in cakes and candy, and the windows are made of sugar.

A girl and boy are seen walking towards Zelda's house.

Edna:
Dang...Zelda seem to attract - all - the little kids.

-----
Later, Edna was forced to sell her Brussels sprout house.

Cat opens the front door.
9 Grim Reapers are standing in front of him.

Cat:

All nine at once?! Have I really been that curious?

Man dressed up as a Grim Reaper, meets Grim Reaper.

Man:
Are you on your way to a Halloween party, too?

Grim:
Um...actually, neither of us are.

Grim Reaper lying on the couch.

Therapist taking notes:

What do you mean this is our last session?

Doctor:

Good news. Your prostate isn't enlarged after all. The rest of you is shrinking.

Dog lying happily on the couch.
Therapist taking notes.

Dog:

Actually, I'm fine. I just like to have a place where I'm allowed on the couch.

"I'm afraid it's worse than tendinitis, Mr. Tufnel. It's elevendinitis."

Superman at the eye doctor, for an eye check-up.

The doctor puts the glasses on his face:

"Ok Superman, see if these make it clearer...WHOAAA...You're Clark Kent!"

Superman (now much older) at an office, trying to get a job.

The boss reads his resume:

"This is super. I asked for super-duper."

Boss to a worker:

This is a major project of utmost importance. But it has no budget, no guidelines, no support staff, and it's due in 15 minutes. At last, here's your chance to impress everyone!

"Think different. But not different from me."

Woman watching TV.

TV:

The following program contains sexy actors and actresses who will make your spouse look like a troll. Viewer discretion is advised.

Several businesspeople sitting around a table.

Man:

At this point in the meeting we'll open a discussion of whether or not we needed to have this meeting.

Woman at a counter, McDonald's.

Cashier:

If he's outgrown Happy Meals, we now offer something for teens...Sullen Meal.

Father speaking to son:

Remember son...money can't buy happiness, but it pays for a lot of anti-depressants.

Man on couch.
Therapist's office.

Therapist:
I'm not supposed to tell this, but the true secret to happiness is having more stuff than everyone else!

Helpful Spring Cleaning Advice

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen, he sprayed everywhere and then spent a couple of hours thoroughly cleaning every nook and cranny. Next week I'll be putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

If you are like me and find laughter contagious you should youtube Craig Ferguson cracking up on his old show. There were a few clips of him on his old talk show just losing it. I couldn't sleep the other night and watched this. I laughed so hard myself I nearly peed my pants.

dear inmyshoes,
:)

if i trade my 3 kittens, to get your husband back, and borrow your puppy, give your husband back to you, take another kitten, and return your puppy to you...

then you can have the puppy + your husband.
i think i found the fastest solution :).

fast-thinker, bundle of joy :)

I got this puppy for my husband. I think it was a fair trade.

A big room.
Group therapy.
Lots of chairs in a circle.

Weird pancakes are sitting in every chair.


Support Group for First Pancakes

Garfield comic strip :)

Jon:
Garfield!
I'm home!

Garfield, smiling:
Good.
I've been waiting all day to ignore you.

A worker is painting the outside door of an office.

He paints:
THE
RAPIST

Another man comes and says:
It's one word, George!

My favorite blonde joke. I'm blonde so I can tell it.

A blonde goes to the doctor because she hasn't been feeling well.
Tests are done and the doctor enters the room with news that she's pregnant!
The blonde is beyond shocked and replies, "Oh my gosh! Is it mine??" :D

I'm at a point in my life as a care giver, going to the dentist, is my idea of a great spa treatment day. They think it's funny. I'm serious! : )

My goal last year was to lose 10 lbs, I only have 14 to go.

If you have a senior moment and can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it". That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I'm at a place in my life where running errands counts as an outing.

I see stories about people my age climbing mountains, I feel good about getting my leg into my pants without losing my balance

so.... if a cow doesn't produce milk is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

i love motivational quotes. :)

today, i saw some funny demotivational quotes.
don't take it seriously. it's just some funny quotes.

-------

“You can have results or excuses. Excuses it is.”

“The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”

“The best way to lose weight is to only eat inspirational quotes.”

“Welcome to adulthood. I hope you like Ibuprofen.”

“Killing someone with kindness sounds like a lot of work to me.”

“There is no problem so big you can’t run away from it.”

“Be yourself. No one else wants to be you.”

“Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed.”

“If your phone battery lasts all day, it’s because no one likes you.”

“There are two types of people in the world and I hate both of them.”

“Ninety-five percent of conversations are an unbelievable waste of time.”

“People are really great as long as you don’t get to know them.”

“You are a background character in a much more interesting person’s story.”
 
"Never stop trying to exceed your limits. We need the entertainment."

Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you make the final copy.

My grandma started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 67 now, and we don't know where she is.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka


What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway