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"Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."
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"I couldn't fix your brakes so I made your horn louder."
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Don’t be a part of the problem. Be the whole problem.
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But then, so was yesterday and look how that turned out.
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Make sure to drink water so you can stay hydrated while you suffer.
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I think, therefore I get a headache.
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Even if you change the world, it doesn't mean it won't change right back.
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Always believe that something wonderful could never happen.
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It's never too late to give up.
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My dad has ALZ and has always been sarcastic and a smart …… I was sitting on the side of the tub while he was on the toilet at 3 am and he looks up at me and says “ wow, your hair looks really pretty “ and then came that laugh and smile ❤️
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Me:
I’m actually happy right now.
🥰🥰🙂🙂🥰🥰

Life:
LOL. Just give me a sec.
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🙃🙂🤪

The trick is, to not let
people know how really weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.
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After, 4 babys, months of being pregnant, days of labor and delivery, months of breastfeeding, I almost know how bad my husband feels when he gets a cold.
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It’s been Monday all week.
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Honk if you like peace and quiet.
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Vacation begins when Dad says, “I know a short cut.”
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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
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People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
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How did we kill time before smartphones? I honestly can't recall. I have a vague recollection of flipping through magazines in waiting-room-type situations, but what did we do, say, in line at the post office? Waiting for a bus? Waiting for someone to meet us at a restaurant? I mean, did we just look around or something?
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I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in.
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
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The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
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I don’t always ask my employees how the are.

But when I do, I walk away before they answer.
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When in doubt, look intelligent.
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I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
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I’m actually financially all right. But I’m so ugly I make onions cry.
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♥️ I'm so broke that Detroit is holding a relief concert for me.
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I'm so broke, bums look at me and say 'Sorry, no change...'
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