Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

My computer this morning:

'It was a virgin forest, a place where the hand of man had never set foot.'

I remember the hand of man in the virgin termination process, but I must have missed out on the foot!

You can only get a laugh out of this if you have a loved one with dementia. We were playing bingo.....an entire table full of prizes for the winners to pick from. My sweetie won and shouted "BINGO", then got to pick his prize. Felt so good to have him win, and pick out his own prize. What a special time for him! He returned to his seat with a Cheshire grin and a candy bar! They give you a candy bar if you've already won two prizes (a token prize for return winners). He didn't want any of the prizes except for the candy bar. He was so proud of his winnings! All I could do was congratulate him on winning.....and picking out his own prize.

tears and laughter, Bingo!

My computer:
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be...

I was struck by a bottle of Omega-3 pills. Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil.

Odes to the power of force and fire:

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

A simple blowtorch can solve many of your filing problems.

(This last one is my favorite. It was the caption of a cartoon, which I cut out and pasted onto my filing cabinet. However the cabinet was in our house that burned down in a bushfire in 2014. Fire got rid of some unnecessary paper, but not the problems of losing the bits we should have stored somewhere fireproof!)

Three from Spike Milligan:

How long was I in the army? About 5’11”.

Well we can’t stand around here doing nothing, people will think we’re workmen.

A sure cure for seasicknes is to sit under a tree.

Humour has always been a way to cope for sure and mum sure is a fantastic source if material! Ms M (mum) has become her nickname and explanations and good planning of clothing choices are fantastic! Coming down the stairs this morning (3am ish) I first see cowboy boots, plaid pants, and a fur coat.
I ask " what exactly is going on with your wardrobe?
" Work called and said this is the uniform"
Fair enough mum!

A beautiful blonde walks into a bar and sits by herself. An older man approaches her and ask if he can sit next to her. He tells her that she doesn't look old enough to be in a bar, and asks just how old she is. She holds up her hands and starts counting her fingers. After going round a couple times she excitedly answer's "23!".

Trying to be complimentary and flirty, he then says how very tall she looks and thinks she could be a model she is so tall. When she doesn't respond he asks her just how tall she is. She jumps up, bends over and using her hands, one over the other goes from her feet to her head, when she reaches her head she excitedly answers "5'-7"!".

Being the clever fellow he decides that he can now get her name and make some real progress. So he says, "I known so much about you but, I don't even know your name. What is your name beautiful woman?" She starts bobbing her head side to side and after a few moments excitedly answers "Tiffany!"

He can't control his curiosity, he holds up his hands and says, "I understand this as he counts his fingers, I even understand this, as he bends over to measure himself. But, I really don't understand the head bobbing."

She looks right into his eyes and starts bobbing her head as she says, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear "Tiffany!", happy birthday to you."

Replies to critics:

Though eunuch of language…. Thou pimp of gender….murderous accoucheur of infant learning...thou pickle-herring in the puppet show of nonsense:
Robert Burns, poet

None can have a higher opinion of him than me, and I think he’s a dirty little beast.
WS Gilbert (not about Sullivan)

Sir, you are like a pin, without either its head or its point.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs.

More comments by Spike Milligan:

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I speak Esperanto like a native.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons why the Chinese never invented custard.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

A propellar on a plane is just there to keep the pilot cool.

Proof is that when the propeller stops, the pilot stars to sweat.

Send, it is true! When I had to do simulated stalls, broke a sweat every single time I cut the engines. Still gives me nerves to think about it.

Good joke.

Lol.

This might not be the right place to post this but, anyone with a passive aggressive narcissistic mom can understand the humor in the following.

I call my mom a couple of times a month and she is always shooting arrows. It literally never ends.

I keep things superficial to try and avoid any arrows but, I know when she makes a non-sequitor comment that something is coming and it is never nice.

So today she tells me that her neighbor is mad at her daughter, (whom is 45 years old and has always lived with her parents, her parents raised her daughter), and she says in a whining voice, "I told her that she should be happy she has her to be mad at. She could be like me, all alone."

I didn't even miss a beat and responded, "Ya know, it just hurts my heart that Suzie failed to launch. So sad for her."

You could feel the wind from the speed that the subject was changed 450 miles away.

It truly is sad that she doesn't get her actions and selfishness are why she doesn't have anyone close, if she was a dog the law would have required her to be put down decades ago for being a vicious biter. And she is not improving with age:-(

Isthisrealyreal LOL 😂😂😂

"arrows" what an fantastic description..

Folk in my lot put what I called *hints* out or send a *ball* my way to catch.. I must dodge & weave.. I will add "arrows" to my vocab!

Shields UP!!

ITTR: "arrows" - great description, I agree Beatty.

ITRR - Did you get your pilot license? I didn't, but I logged about 40 hours of flight time then 911 tragedy put a stop to my fly lessons and I never continued after that, but it was a good thing I stopped though because I had a really close call midair. Still love flying though.

Polarbear, I was ready to do my solo when I met my husband. He told me he would never fly in a small airplane, so I stupidly, did not get my license.

Hindsight, I wish I had finished and got it. He has learned to enjoy flying over the past 25 years. Go figure, right?

Anyway, the Cessna I co-owned had to stay in NV and I was moving to AZ to be with my love. I didn't want the headache of owning a plane solo, to expensive and time consuming to never fly. Which during the honeymoon phase would have never happened.

I think every student pilot has a close midair call. I was using my instructor's overhead wings and mine was under wings, I almost flew into the bottom of another plane. I think that it was a good thing he wouldn't let me land, I was so scared I think I would have quit. I praise The Lord for protecting us that day.

Beatty, LL, thanks. It is what these women do and dang, some are really good at it. I hate when I weaved when I should have bobbed and she gets me.

ITRR and PolarBear,  I literally forgot to breathe when I learned that there are others here who are interested in planes, and far more than I've done, have taken flying lessons.

But, alas, there's still hope.  My father's senior center has arranged for a training module to be available, and limited lessons (I think it's now $5/session) for seniors, taught by a  local pilot.  I won't be learning to fly a P-51, or B-29 (as my father did), but I'll be learning.

GA, that is awesome.

I know you will have a blast, without all the actual dangers;-)

I think that it should be required to use a simulator until you have some knowledge of the things that can happen, especially now that there are so many flying objects.

Have fun!

ITRR - Must be nice to own a plane. I always dreamed of chartering a small plane to fly to a nearby island for a day, then fly back, pretending I was some VIP. Haha.

I almost clipped someone's wing too with my Cessna 2-seater, but thanks to my flight instructor, a very good woman pilot, a terrible accident was averted. Through her, I met a group of WASPs at a woman pilots meeting, and heard some incredible WWII stories from the WASPs.

GA - I hope you will like the simulator flights. When I did those, I tend to get disoriented. The simulators I used were to train pilots to fly at night, so there was only a line on the screen to indicate the horizon, otherwise everything was dark.

Polarbear, that is an awesome experience to get to fellowship with a group of WASPs. What a cherished memory.

Actually it was too expensive to own a plane. By the time you do all the required maintenance, pay for a hanger, insurance, fuel and a licensed pilot to go with you every time, it was brutal.

It did make my nieces think I was a pretty awesome aunt, I would fly down and pick them up for an overnight visit. Which would never happen with a 7 hour round trip drive.

Funny story, my youngest niece is an accident waiting to happen, she was trying to get into the plane thru the pilots door and I told her she had to go around and get in back. She took off pellmell and dented my rudder with her forehead. She looked like a cartoon character with her body going into a completely horizontal position and she dropped to the ground.

Just so everyone knows, she was fine. It wasn't funny at the time, hindsight and knowing that she could have an accident in a paper bag is what makes it funny. She has kept her guardian angel very busy.

You should charter that plane. What a fun memory!

PolarBear, I really envy you.  Meeting some of the WASPS would be a major lifetime event for me.    They were a phenomenal, dedicated group of women.   If  my father were alive, he'd want to talk to you about them.  He always admired them.   I guess he had some experience with them.   He flew in a B-29.

ITTR: You're welcome. That was a humorous statement, though probably not to you.😧

You pilots rock!

I think that is a great idea.

I know it as ‘Comic Relief’ and first learned of it embedded in Shakespeare’s plays.
I also used it with my colleagues who serve as School Social Workers. I believe all ‘stress-related professions use and need it to counter balance themselves.

So here’s a ‘True’ joke:
A friend of mine’s father who recognized his cognitive deterioration, saw the bright side and would say: ‘I always get my money’s worth in buying a newspaper, I can read it Four Times and it’s always news to me!’

The turkeys are getting nervous and know something's up.
The farmers just unfriended the turkeys on fb. 🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃

Aragorn, did you study Shakespeare's plays in college?  I took one Shakespeare class which was so worthwhile; I'd take it again if I could get a discount price on it, but thus far I haven't found any good senior discounts on classes.

Shakespeare was a genius in creating methods to address specific issues, or trends. 


ITRR and PolarBear. have either of you read The Flight Girls, by Noelle Salazar?  I've read it-6, perhaps 7, times.   It's set in WWII just before 7 Dec., during the attack and up through the end of WWII. 

There's a fair amount of "pilot talk"; I liked the expression "flat hatting."  I hadn't heard that before.  

It's also a blend of history, war, interpersonal actions, women in WWII, POWs and life after WWII.      I think it's probably the best historical novel blended with personal lives that I've ever read.

GA, I have not heard of the book The Flight Girls. I’ll check my Amazon Kindle. An audiobook would be great. I also have not heard of the expression ‘flat hating’. and I had to look it up. Dangerous low flying.

The term that always troubles me when flying is ‘dead reckoning’. One that I like ‘the sky is not the limit, the ground is.’ Very true when landing. And for those who like Star Wars ‘May the four forces be with you’ which refers to the four forces that keep the planes in the air.