Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Advance Directives....it is a work in progress.

1. At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin,
and throw it out into the crowd,
whoever catches it is next.

Ogden Nash’s comment on ‘kitten’ girls: ‘They usually turn into cats!’

My computer this morning:

May those who love us, love us. For those who don’t, may God turn their hearts so that they love us. And if that doesn’t work, may God turn their ankles so that we may know them by their limp.

Ghosts
Ghosts are just people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet over their head.

Yesterday, my husband with OCD thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.
He scrubbed everything, even used bleach, it was so clean!

Today, I am putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

I’m not quite sure that my computer is on the save wavelength as us, but this was this morning’s quote from Johnny Carson:

'For three days after death, hair and finger nails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off'

Ronny had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition, it seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
 
So when Ronny's 18th birthday came 'round he and his pal Mike took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Ronny stepped out of the boat and.... nearly drowned!
Mike just barely managed to pull him to safety.
 
Furious and confused, Ronny, went to see his grandmother.
 
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
 
Granny looked deeply into Ronny's troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in winter when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip sh*t.

The ‘90s don’t seem so far away until you refer to them as the late 1900’s.

I grew up in Savannah, GA, steeped in Old South tradition like Charleston, SC; here's a lightbulb joke:

"How many Charleston docents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: One to hold the ladder, one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to stand back and Tell The History OF it."

(For best effect, exaggerate the word OF with your best Southern accent!)

Hallah
Do you mean back before the turn of the century?

97yroldmom

(Hallah
Do you mean back before the turn of the century?)

Yes

A police recruit was asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" The reply, "Call for backup."

What are cops favorite desserts?

“Copcakes”

(Told to me by an ex-cop.)

Do you remember Buzzybee?
I miss her. She had some good jokes.


BuzzyBee
Jul 2018
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered,
“Marc, with a C.”

Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side:
Cark.

What a great day to go outside and look at your phone

My computer t his morning:

‘When more and more people are out of work, unemployment results’
Calvin Coolidge

(Possibly Calvin Coolidge PUT together, like in Singing in the Rain)

Alligators can live to 100 years!

Which is WHY there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

How does a polar bear build it's house?


Igloos it together!

My computer this morning: There is no time like the pleasant.

DH’s computer this morning: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System.
(If it was an actual emergency, do you really think we would stick around to tell you?)

Wisdom from Auntie C...

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

wife: "I  love you,” she said.
husband: “Is that you talking,” “Or the wine?”
wife: “It’s me talking to the wine.” 🍷🍷

Margaret: " ....... like the pleasant?"

Knock knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? W-H-O



How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience!

For Halloween, I carved a turkey out of a pumpkin, and hung it on the tree as an ornament.

Next!

My computer’s vicious drama critic review comments this morning:

He played the King (Lear) as if afraid that someone else might play the Ace.

My tear ducts refused to be jerked.

She ran the emotions from A to B. (This one's famous, and it was about Glenda Jackson)

This is a true story!
Yesterday we celebrated All Saint's Day at church; as part of the sermon, the minister was talking about various Patron Saints. He was talking about the school in upstate NY - St. Bonaventure - and said that St. Bonaventure was the Patron Saint of bowel issues.
When I got home and was telling this to my husband, his reaction was "Holy S***!"
And that, in a nutshell, should explain why I married him!

Things that tell the truth:

Small children

Drunk people

Yoga pants

Thanks to posters who corrected ‘she ran the gamut of emotions from A to B’. It was Dorothy Parker about Katherine Hepburn. I thought Glenda Jackson was both too recent and not fair (not that it’s fair about Katherine Hepburn either). My computer lied!

It reminded me of George Bernard Shaw’s telegram exchange with an actress. GBS’s plays were awkward, usually preceded by introductory essays almost as long as the plays. Actress telegramed ‘Crazy to play your St Joan’. GBS’s reply: ‘Heartily concur’.

Speaking of stars gone by. I was watching news on Halloween morning. There was a request for the tv audience to text favorite scare movies or stars. Someone sent in Vincent Price, I don't remember what movie. The news anchors all late 20 or 30 somethings, four of them had no clue who Vincent Price was! Talk about making me feel old, but at least a classic!😮😬

Vincent Price used to scare the blank out of me with his old horror flicks. The Pit and the Pendulum comes to mind.