Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

I’m not slow.
I’m not fast.
I’m just half-fast.

A reminder that one word in the English language can be a noun, a verb, an adjective, an adverb, or a preposition:      UP     
  
    This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].     
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?     
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak  UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten  UP a room, polish  UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.     
  
At other times, this little word has real special meaning.  People stir UP trouble, line  UP for tickets, work  UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.     
  
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.     
  
And this  UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.
  
We open  UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!     
  
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of  UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.     
  
If you are  UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind  UP  with a hundred or more.     
   
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry  UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . My time is UP!    
  
           
Did that one crack you UP?       

Don't screw  UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . Or not . . . it's UP to you.    
Now I'll shut  UP!

NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

My computer this morning:

A birthday is like the next bus – never the number you want.

I just fired myself as my housekeeper, I don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.

3 sisters, aged 96, 94 and 92, all live together.

One night the oldest sister is going to take a bath, she puts one foot in the tub and stops. She yells down the stairs, "am I getting in or out of the bathtub?"

The middle sister yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." Halfway up the stairs she pauses and yells, "am I going up the stairs or down?"

The youngest sister is in the kitchen listening to her sisters' conversation, sighed, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." Then she knocks on wood for luck and yells, "I'll come up and check after I see who's at the door."

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psycho-path to your door.

1. The numbers 19 and 20 had a fight.

21

2. What was Forest Gump’s password?

1Forest1

Wife to husband: Look at that drunk guy over there.
Husband: What about him?
Wife: Ten years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband: Wow! He’s still celebrating.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends, played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

What I if told you

you read the top line wrong?

Sometimes. I get to feeling like a left-over rib when it comes to my husband.

But then, I realize the man was created from dust.

A lady eventually trained her parrot to say "Who is it?".
One day while she and her friend were out, there was a knock at the front door and parrot responded "Who is it?"
"It's the gas man, come to read your meter" the visitor replied.
"Who is it?" came the parrot again, and again the same reply, "It's the gas man, come to read your meter".
This went on for hours until the lady and friend returned to find the man unconscious, and slumped on the front porch.
She was a little perplexed when her friend asked "Who is it?" and the parrot replied "It's the gas man, come to read your meter".

A young engineer who graduated with distinction was leaving the office at 3:45 p.m. when he found the acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, “I just need one copy.”

Save the earth!

It’s the only planet with chocolate!

Dr Pepper is a fizzicist.

A secretary with certain colored hair (blonde?) was seen at the copy machine running off blank sheets of paper. When asked by a fellow worker what she was doing, the secretary replied “I was down to my last sheet of typing paper and Joe said I could get some over at the copy machine.”

It's national coffee day!
Get caffeinated by whatever beans necessary!

My computer this morning:
In the beginning there was nothing. The Lord said ‘Let there be light’. And there still was nothing, but at least you could see it.

If you ever get an email about pork, salt, ham, and preservatives, don't open it!

It's spam.

When Bill asked the waitress for a quickie he was flabbergasted when she slapped him!
The old woman at the next table leaned over and informed him "it's pronounced quiche, dear".

I'll share a joke that what made at the expense of my mother. We were at Red Lobster and she was enjoying one of their cheese biscuits. She said "I feel like I've died and gone to heaven". I responded, "if only". We both laughed. That was probably 10 years ago. She is now 89 y/o so clearly she is sticking around.

During WW1, Switzerland had small army of 250,000 soldiers. They were very skilled marksmen.
The German Kaiser asked the Swiss ambassador in Berlin: “What would Switzerland do if I invaded with 500 000 soldiers?”
The ambassador replied: “Shoot twice and go home

What car does a Jedi drive?

Toyoda.😊

After Joe’s wife accidentally swallowed his prostate medication, their daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me s***."

One for the guys from my computer this morning:

I’d like to meet the man who invented beer and see what he’s working on now.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Hallah

As Gretchen Rubin says “The Days are Long, But the Years are Short”.

About those special supplements and recommendations....
I understand ACV should be diluted, but do we ingest it or use it as a douche?







Disclaimer: It is a joke, not meant to make fun of those who recommend
ACV or those who take it.