Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

well margaret, I got really blond,, and dry,, and then my mom made me let it grow out.. I have some 9th grade picture of me with "buffy" type side ponytails with the top half red and the ponytails blond. Not a look I recommend. And your situation is hysterical!

Frinkles! Oh my, I love it.

I remember thinking that Crisco would be a good substitute for tanning oil. Yeah, not my brightest idea. I was deep fried for sure.

I think it contributed to my frinkles.

One evening Dave & Judy sat down to watch a movie on TV.
Dave decided to relax by having a cigarette but he had ran out so he goes out to local bar to get some.

While he was there, he decided to have just one beer.

While he was sitting at the bar, he noticed a gorgeous, beautiful, hot young blonde sitting at the other end of the bar.

She stares at him, and he looks at her.
He thinks, *I have no chance with her, she's out of my league.

She walks up to Dave and asked him to buy her drink. When they got done, she invited him back to her place where they had the most fabulous sex he could remember. He fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 4am.

* Oh No!!
Quick, do you have any baby powder?

** Yes, in the bathroom.

Dave pours the powder all over his hands and goes home.

His wife Judy of course was waiting. Curlers in her hair and a rolling pin resting on her shoulder.

*** And where have you been?!!!

*Well, I went to the bar to get some cigarettes at the bar and I decided to have a quick cold one, when this hot, young sex starved blonde took me back to her place for unbelievable hot sex. I fell asleep on the couch afterwards, and I came home when I woke up.

*** Yeah! Right!
Show me your hands!
....Just as I thought!
Covered in white powder!

** You've been bowling again!!!

Chriscat wrote this-it was so funny!
Chriscat83
Dec 18, 2020
Here's a silly but probably accurate dog/cat joke... Every day the owner fills up the pets' food bowls. The dachshund is very grateful. As the owner approaches the dog and fills his bowl with kibbles, the dog thinks” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. You must be god.”
The owner then walks over to the cat and gives her daily food. The cat thinks to herself” Wow, you do all this for me, every day. I must be god.”

yankee blue and his wife are in bed

Yank: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Yank: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Yank: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Yank: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Yank: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Yank: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Yank: Please..come on Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Yank: What's the matter?
Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Yank: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There!
Are you satisfied?
Yank: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?

Yank:Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

I sent the dog and cat joke to my DH, who is away. He replied that it was like another he had heard: 'Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.'

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

The English language varies between English speaking countries. This has come up on the post called ‘My father had only one interest’. I'm recalling some examples from when I worked in the legal sector in London, with people who didn’t know ‘Australian’ - both true!

I felt lonely one day in a large shared office in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, and said ‘I feel like a shag on a rock’. Startled deadpan expressions from the 3 very straight lawyers in the room.

I needed to rub out a pencil marking, and asked my American secretary for a rubber. Shock, and then she did actually laugh!

Who has some more – perhaps we could call them ‘tomato’ jokes?

Margaret - I trained myself to use eraser instead of rubber way back in high school because boys always made some kind of crude comment. And yet the when Americans use rubber bands (while we say elastics) I guess that's not funny?

My MIL was English. And to this day I make her little mince pies. She gave me a gift of the cutters and the pans.

When she would go the the bathroom, she say "need to spend a penny" When she would go home to the UK she would bring back English "Sweeties" She lived here over 60 yrs so used the American words more than the English.

Margaret, I watch a lot of English/Australian TV so I know what "shag" means.

Joann, well done MIL for making sure you can talk proper!

JoAnn, the phrase "to spend a penny" comes from back when public conveniences at railway stations cost just that - you popped a penny in the slot to open the door.

That is getting hard for me! I can guess the other meaning of rubber... but that's what they teach us in Italy, never thought it could have another meaning.
Cannot guess the shag on the rock, I just get the real meaning...

This reminds me of what happened to me a long time ago, in Ireland. I wanted to say that it was hot and I felt the heat...
Of course, they teach you to say I am cold, I am warm, etc.
So I just said "I am hot". I realised what I had just said when the boy I was talking to began to giggle. I was so embarassed, and said " No, I mean it is hot outside, have been running back from College..."

Anche, when I grew up in Oz, ‘feeling like a shag on a rock’ meant feeling alone and lonely. A shag is a diving sea bird that often perches by itself on an isolated rock surrounded by water. It may be out of date by now – particularly since its other meaning is more likely to be understood. The bird obviously wasn’t well known in Lincoln’s Inn Fields in 1975!

Spending a penny prompted many verses like ‘Here I sit, broken hearted, spent a penny and only farted’. The coin in the slot was considered an affront to women, as men could use a urinal for free. Certainly no-one upgraded the machines when the coinage changed to decimal.

Margaret, I got the Australian meaning, since I know what shag is (cormorano, in Italian, my mom is from Sardinia and I saw them there) and could figure our the lonely bird on a rock. I thought it had some other meaning in British English, I know understand their expression was because they could figure the metaphore.
You know, I have been to Australian when I was 19 as I have friends and relatives in NSW. I would like to go back there one day !

I'm wasn't sure whether to post this here or on the pet thread..

How to Wash a Cat

1) Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water bowl.
2) Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3) In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4) At this point, the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5) Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash and Rinse'. 6) Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7) Stand well back, a far away as you can and quickly lift the lid.
8) The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the house and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9) Both the toilet and cat will be sparkling clean.

(Yours Sincerely, The Dog)

Just found out that the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

I put all my symptoms into WebMd.

It told me I’m just old.

Note from Amazon: "We were wondering if you are OK.
You haven't ordered anything or had anything delivered in 3 days."

I recently discovered Kid Snippets by Bored Shorts TV on YouTube. Try watching a few videos, they grow on you - I can't help chuckling even as I roll my eyes.

Words below picture of a nice looking motorcycle:

We think we're so much smarter these days, but 50 years ago the owners manual told you how to adjust the valves.
Today it tells you not to drink the contents of the battery.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

<Glass Half Full>
I adore my elderly grandfather...
An electrician ever since leaving school, he has never lost his mental faculty despite his 107 years.
Why, just the other day I asked, "Do you know the term for electrical power generation?"
"Watt?" he responded. So proud...

A man went hunting and brought home a deer. He and his wife decided not to tell the kids what they were eating for dinner. But dad decides to give them a hint.

"It's what your mom calls me."

The little girl starts screaming, "Spit it out, don't eat it! It's an azzhole!"

Kids these days have no patience when it comes to helping us older folks with new technology, I've repeatedly been told to figure it out myself. For revenge I'd like to put them in a room with an old style watch that has hands and a TV with no remote, then tell them to watch for an important message at 4:00, And just for fun there will also be a rotary dial phone so they can call if they have any questions....and I'll leave instructions on how to use everything in cursive.

CWillie, that reminded me of an event when I hired a really top notch company to help clean up Mom's gardening shed, and then disassemble and cut it up for disposal.   We found things I had forgotten about - Mom's pickling urn (I had forgotten that we made our own pickles from pickling cukes we grew), an old ice cube tray with a handle to pull up and release the cubes, a hand turned ice cream maker, and other things which I've now forgotten.

The ice cube tray was of special interest; I guess these days freezers automatically make ice cubes. 

These were very helpful, smart kids; one was a Marine on leave.  But they were unfamiliar with things that we used daily when we were kids.

I wish the old ringer washer had been there; that really would have caused some deep thoughts.  

On the first cleanout though, the guys weren't as good as the gardening shed group.   The first guys had no idea what a rototiller was, or the shredder.   (I've also found in trying to locate someone to till my garden that people in this metropolitan area also have no idea what a rototiller is.)

Some people drink the kool-aid....... some people just add vodka....... just sayin......

Ragtime theme Randy Newman

It's a jungle out there
Disorder and confusion everywhere
No one seems to care
Well I do
Hey, who's in charge here?
It's a jungle out there
Poison in the very air we breathe
Do you know what's in the water that you drink?
Well I do, and it's amazing
People think I'm crazy, 'cause I worry all the time
If you paid attention, you'd be worried too
You better pay attention
Or this world we love so much might just kill you
I could be wrong now, but I don't think so
'Cause there's a jungle out there
It's a jungle out there

<Art for Hearts Ache>
---------------------------
Today turned out horribly when I took my cranky old dad to the art gallery...
He did nothing but complain all through the Monets; 
didn't want to view the Rodins, exclaiming, "They're such filthy animals"; 
and while studying the Picassos, he developed an embarrassingly uncontrollable itch...
Increasingly irritated, my dad asked, "Who is this Anne person who thinks she knows everything?", during our visit to the Cezannes. Then he became anxious that I'd send him away when I suggested, "Let's look at the Van Gogh instead".
But the last straw was when the curator came to have a 'quiet word' about the rowdy behaviour, whereupon my dad took offence, just before kicking him right in the middle of the Gaugins!
Perhaps the museum would have been a wiser choice...

If ignorance is bliss there should be more happy people