Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.


Silly I know, soz. But gave me a chuckle as most of the grocery shops around here are all on the 'exposure site' list today 😄

Margaret, loved that video. Aussies - such class eh?
Dolly is a legend - she's still got it alright 🤩

This is an oldie. Maybe a groaner?

A farmer was driving his tractor towing a wagon full of manure past an insane asylum. An inmate saw him and asked “What are you doing with that manure?” The farmer replied “I’m going to put it on my strawberries.” The inmate said “Come in here. We get cream on our strawberries!”

Yesterday…
Headline: Neuroscientists discover 4 rituals for happiness.
Me: clicks link
link: Sorry. This page does not exist.

Doorways cause forgetfulness. When you go from one room to another to get something and forget what you wanted, you stepped through a doorway. Had to be the doorway causing your forgetfulness.

A guy walks into a bar.
He has a newt on his shoulder.
Bartender asks, What's that on your shoulder.
Man says that's a newt.
Bartender asks, what's his name.
Man says, his name is Tiny.
Bartender says, that's an odd name why Tiny.
Man says cuz he's my newt.

Hallah, nope, it has nothing to do with that!

It's because you don't have your memory foam shoe inserts in. ;-)

@Isthisrealyreal....I use a Memory Foam pillow how come I CRS (can't remember sh**) from day to day?

Grandma, maybe they only work when actively engaged.

Try strapping your pillow to your head?

Or maybe it's because the pillows are many torn pieces and it absorbs the memories?

Maybe our brains are in our feet?

Hmmm? Here's to hoping you remember $#!+ today. ;-)

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

South Australia's sudden lockdown has brought back some Corona Virus jokes to cheer us all up:

When this is all over, the first person to walk out of a fries take-away is going to get torn apart by a flock of starving seagulls.

Now is NOT the right time to surround yourself with positive people.

Man walks into a bar…… Lucky bastard!

You said everything would be over in June.

Julyed.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

Do you ever get the urge to start organizing and then 2 hours later you're just looking around at a mess like... what the heck have I done?

Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again?

I asked my mother who was her favorite child...

She thought for a second and said, "Do I have to pick one of mine?"

I went back to my old non-PC joke book, and nestled among the Irish jokes I found a list for US states. Don’t shoot me, but … Only in America:

Can a pizza get to your house quicker than an ambulance.

Do bank doors open on automatic but the pens are chained to the counters.

Do customers order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet soda.

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

Gertrude and Heathcliff, two seagulls, were talking one day. Heathcliff: I’m worried about Willie the Whale.
Gertrude: Why’s that?
H: He’s in love with a submarine.
G: Really?
H: Yeah and every time the sub fires off a torpedo, Willie passes out cigars!
(Red Skelton)

The man at the furniture store told me the couch would seat five people without any problems.

Then I thought, “I don’t know five people without any problems.”

Good one Hallah!

So many people are judgmental these days.

I can tell just by looking at them.

Hey!
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!

I survived the US jokes, so perhaps it’s OK to post these ‘Southern States’ slurs:

If you forget a Southerner’s name, just call him or her ‘Bubba’. You have a 75% chance of being right. (Me – really?)

Remember: ‘Y’all’ is singular. ‘All y’all’ is plural. ‘All y’all’s’ is plural possessive.(Me – do they teach this in schools?)

If there is the slightest chance of a flake of snow, you have to go to the local grocery store. It’s just something everyone does. (?)

As you curse the person driving at 15 mph in the middle of the road, remember that many folks learned to drive on a John Deere tractor, and this is the speed and lane position they learned. (Me: same in our area, except that it’s a real tractor that has to stay in the middle of the road to avoid the trees that the Council hasn’t got around to lopping)

Doctor called a plumber and was presented with a $450 bill after 1 hour of work. The doctor said, "Wow, even I don't make that much an hour!"

Plumber replied, "Yeah, I didn't either when I was a doctor."

Hope this one hasn't already been posted, and I just forgot where I saw it. :-)

Remember when you were little and could rip off your diaper and run around naked? Everyone thought is was so cute!

Well, grandma needs some bail money.

Well this is not really a joke but I did it.. while at my Drs this week we were talking about sunscreen. I told her I do use it most of the time, especialy on my chest as I get sun "rash" if I get too much. We were talking about our youth and baby oil, etc,, and I said "thats why I have 'frinkles".., yes indeed I matched up freckles and wrinkles.. she was laughing so hard! I sometimes wonder if I am getting ALZ! She thinks I am just soo tired.. and I hopefully agree! But she laughed and said now she had a new word to use!

Adding iodine to the baby oil could be to blame?

Well I never added iodine, but I did use baby oil! And some lemon spray stuff on my red hair! That was interesting!

Please share the effect of lemon spray on red hair – I’d love to know. My own ‘snap’ was using lemon moisturizer instead of lubricant in a sensitive area, by mistake. I ran for the bathroom! It spoiled the whole plan for the next few minutes.