Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

I am a grandma.
What's your superpower?

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, we would call them bagels.

Tomorrow, when it is cooler, I am going to get my life together.
With this heat, I realize I can't be going to hell. 🔥

Just as we are getting older, so is Barbie, and she needs the togs to go with it.

Bifocal Barbie: Comes with her own set of fashion frames in six wild colors, neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Harpers Bazaar.

Facial hair Barbie: Comes with teeny tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl – now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she can go to meetings with this little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Every time I lose so weight
I find it again in the refrigerator

It is soooo very hot that the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs! 🐔

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.” Margaret Thatcher

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” Erica Jong

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb – and I also know that I’m not blonde.” Dolly Parton

Did you know that the first cloned animal, a sheep, was named Dolly after Dolly Parton because it was cloned from a mammary gland cell?

A business man’s first class seat is next to an elegant woman, wearing an absolutely stunning diamond ring. Seeing him checking it out, she says “It’s the Klopman diamond. It’s beautiful, but there’s a terrible curse that comes with it”.

“What’s the curse?” he asks. Answer: “Mr Klopman”

My husband who already took the COVID vaccine asked me if/when I was going to get mine. I told him I'd wait as I didn't want to be a guinea pig.

He said: "You don't have the size."
Me: "Huh? What do you mean?"
Him: "Guinea pigs are little."

Hahaha

I'm pretty sure there are more vaccinated people in the world now than the total number of guinea pigs. Perhaps all the guinea pigs are waiting to see what happens with us, before they push up the fur for a jab on their own upper limbs!

Apparently real cross examinations that the lawyer almost immediately regretted:

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the six year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

I went to a very emotional wedding over the weekend. Even the cake was in tiers.

PolarBear....
I am a little late to the party but all I can say is OUCH!
It is embarrassing to admit I had to look this up!

More real lawyer’s cross examinations that didn’t help:

Q: What gear were you in at the time of the collision?
A: Just Tshirt and jeans.

Q:And where was the location of the accident?
A: Close to milepost 498.
Q: And where is milepost 498?
A: Between milepost 497 and 499.

Q: All your response must be oral, OK? So, what school did you go to?
A: Oral.

My computer this morning:

Feeling disillusioned? Great new illusions on sale now in our July catalogue!

Parachute Club

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool drinking wine isn't a good thing".
 
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
 
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 79 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
 
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
 
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
 
The line went dead.
 
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

Day 12 with no chocolate.

Lost hearing in left eye today.

My doctor asked me if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness.

My answer, "No, they all seem to enjoy it."

My husband and I decided that we don't want to have children.

We will be telling them at dinner tonight.

More cross examinations that the lawyer almost immediately regretted. I do believe that these were real – the pressure when you are on your feet is quite high, and you are focused on the facts that you want to get straight, and don’t really focus on the answers. The blues are always remembered by the watching lawyers – like the guy in my year at law school who asked ‘Which car reached the point of impact first’. Anyway, here we go:

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: So the date of the baby’s conception was 8 August
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Can you describe the person you saw?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

I said "did you know I have short memory loss?"

my friend said "oh no, I didn't know , did you see a doctor about it?"

I said back "did you know I have short memory loss?"

A man riding the bus was minding his own business when a young woman seated next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
the baby wouldn't take the breast and she said."Come on sweetie ,eat it up or ill have to give it to this nice man next to us."
five minutes later the baby still refused to suckle.
the young woman said."Come on honey take it or ill give it to this nice man."
A few minutes later the man blurted out."Come on kid make up your mind.I was supposed to get off this bus four stops back!"

Herman James volunteered for the Marine Corps fifty one years ago.
On his first day in basic training the Marines issued him a comb.
That afternoon they cut off all his hair.
On the second morning they issued him a tooth brush.
that afternoon they yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third morning they issued him a jock strap.
The Marine Corps has been looking for Herman for the last fifty one years.

I'm not sure how funny this quote it - it was on my computer this morning:

'Washington DC is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm' John F Kennedy

At my daughter gymnastics school, they have open gym sessions where kids can have free play. At one session, a few younger kids (5-8) decided to annoy the older kids (teens) by following them everywhere around the gym. The older kids told the younger ones to leave them alone to no avail. So, they came up with a trick.

Teens: "Let's play hide and seek. We'll count, and you go hide. You have one minute."

Kids quickly ran away and hid around the gym.

Teens: "Yay! We lost them." (Continue talking to each other...)

The kids waited many many long minutes for the teens to go look for them, finally came out to ask...

Kids: "Why didn't you go look for us?"

Teens: "Oh, we forgot. We'll count again. One minute."

Kids ran away again.

Many minutes later...

Kids: "You didn't go look for us. You tricked us. We'll never fall for your trick again."

Teens: "Ok. Thirty seconds."

Kids hurriedly scattered.

A wife wanted to buy her husband an unusual birthday gift. She visited a small, quaint little gift shop and told the owner she was looking for something rare and unusual for her husband’s birthday gift. The owner went to the back room and returned with a very hairy, very odd looking object. The proprietor said it’s called a Wooly Bugger. “What does it do?” she asked. The proprietor said to watch. He pointed to a wooden box and said “Wooly Bugger, the box.” The Wooly Bugger tore into the box and completely shredded it. Next the store owner pointed to a chair and said “Wooly Bugger, the chair.” Wooly Bugger destroyed the chair too. The woman said she would buy it.

She took it home, wrapped it up and presented it to her husband for his birthday. He unwrapped it, looked at it and asked what it was. She said “It’s a Wooly Bugger.” Her husband replied “Yeah. Right! Wooly Bugger my a$$!”

'Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late afternoon'.

That was my computer’s start-up message this morning. Not quite sure why it made me laugh!

A couple of weeks ago I posted a joke about Ageing Barbie and her appropriate gear. I was a bit startled yesterday when I passed the toy section in a shop and saw Barbie packaged with a wheelchair. Flexible knees and all! I’m waiting for Bifocal Barbie to come next. I've heard of 'dreams come true', but 'jokes come true' is something else!

More jokes please! I’ve read them all, two or three times. After my wife was tucked into bed, I would sit down in my rocker to relax by reading the jokes on here. Very therapeutic! There were times I laughed so hard I was surprised I didn’t wake her.

If you can cope with rock music and the occasional swear word, try playing this one (or sent the link to your grandchildren - teenage, please). It’s funny!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnBtOPUMyqU

That reminded me of Dolly Parton. I’d love to hear it with all the backing:
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-56261397