Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

MargaretMcKen,

Movie nudity and porn are how you describe it, but it reminds me of a few romance novels that I've seen that many women read (like my stepmom, mom and aunts) at the beach plus some girls like my two step-sisters read at the beach when all of us were teens.

Here's my summary and contrast to what you wrote about and men movies.

Romance novels are written with you in mind.

Romance novel nudity is mainly male.

Romance novels develop a real storyline that women like.

While male movies and porn mainly focuses on upper body female nudity
in romance novels focus on lower body male nudity plus upper body.

Recently, I have heard or read that women are now writing porn which means that they have real story development like a romance novel and possibly written more for women than just men.

I came up with this great idea for a trendy, new style of exercising. I thought about calling it "Pontius Pilates".
But after careful consideration of the whole concept, I decided to wash my hands of it.

Dear NoTryDoYoda, I’m sorry that as a man you found that copied (and edited) joke unfair. The joke book I’m using at the moment has far far worse ‘jokes’ about both men and women that I think are actually disgusting. Yes of course ‘romance’ books are designed written for an audience, just like porn movies. That’s business.

I went through a stage of devouring Mills&Boon ‘romance’ when I was pregnant a long time ago (before they got a bit raunchy). Each one took about 3 hours to read, and was a fair equivalent in time and effect to a tranquilliser. Have a snigger at that – I do now!

The next section of this current joke book is ‘kid’s jokes’, and the bit I’m up to currently is guaranteed to offend anyone of any religious persuasion at all. My favorite is about David, who “had a hundred wives and three hundred porcupines”. Look after yourself and please enjoy a giggle. Margaret.

MargaretMcKen,

I didn't intend my comments as a response claiming the joke as unfair, but how such humour also applies to many women.

Women like porn, but mainly the written kind although some women like my wife like visual porn. I think many male porn actors would love to hear their anatomy described like these porn romance novels do. Even if you, as a man, just barely came close to the descriptions, it would be quite an ego trip to read.

Please enjoy my intended humor here and earlier.

Yoda,
"reminds me of a few romance novels that I've seen that many women read (like my stepmom, mom and aunts) at the beach plus some girls like my two step-sisters read at the beach when all of us were teens."

You know this because....???

notgoodenough,

Your's was a bloody good joke!

Sendhelp,

I know this because I looked at what they were reading both at the beach and sometimes at home.

Nice Yoda,
Well read are you?

Sorry, I am done teasing now. Maybe, bro.

Sendhelp,

I am an inquisitive person and frankly, I found those scenes in those romance novels to be hotter than visual porn. Thus, I kept peeking a read in those books even when I was with my mother in the used book store.

I finally did it!!!!
I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam inserts, no more forgetting why I walked in a room!

How about this:

St Paul preached about holy acrimony, which is another word for marriage.

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena wakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the John Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moly Ole, we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their 3 children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a darn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!!

Thanks to random forced reboots (I've set it to NOT reboot until I tell it to, but it does it anyway!) I've missed a few of these. Just got caught up!

1) Gershun's recommendation for Menopause Rhapsody is worth a watch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcVFtu-ZmmM

I plan to check out more of this woman's renditions (BTW, reading the MORE after watching confirmed what I thought - she plays all the parts too!)

2) Not dusting... My house is full of "somebodies"...

3) LOVE the popcorn/cremation!

4) Isthisrealyreal is going to ask "You can see me?" of the next stranger who tries to talk to her when she's alone... Reminds me of Grandma's Boy (movie):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1_aRnBaoSI

5) Warning labels/directions - These are seriously out of control! The first warning label I can recall seeing myself was on a hair dryer, warning not to use in the shower... seriously? Lose the warning and let natural selection do it's job... please!

This stuff is right up there with my ranting for about 20+ years about how people are becoming stupider by the day. After it came out, my son told me to watch Idiocracy... yup - I called it a pre-documentary at the time... but we ARE (and have been for a while) living it now.

Keep the funnies coming!

(if you haven't seen it, Kimmel skit on Kim Jong-un losing weight on Pelaton is pretty funny - skip to about 7 min into the video):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqyyrDGvHxM

(currently watching more of Shirley's videos... Shirley of the Menopause Rhapsody fame...)

My computer’s start-up this morning:

'Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life’ Glenda Jackson

As so often seems to be the case in jokes, 3 young men are killed in an accident, and face up to St Peter. He sympathises with them losing their lives so young, and says he will give them another chance, on condition that each of them avoids a sin they have been prone to. First regular drinker guy has to avoid thinking about alcohol. The ambitious second guy has to avoid thinking about how to get other people’s money one way or another. The third closet gay guy has to avoid the obvious thoughts that bother him.

They find themselves walking down a city street, and pass a bar. Poof! The first guy immediately disappears. The next two walk on nervously. The second guy sees a wallet on the pavement and bends over to pick it up. Poof! The third guy disappears.

I have a book of Jewish jokes, which I have found difficult to use because they actually sound anti-Semitic. A lot of Jewish humor is self-deprecating. But I particularly liked this one:

An evangelist lady is giving a pep talk to a class of kids in school. At the end, she says “I’ve got a $2 prize for the first person to tell me the most important person in the Bible”. Little Abe’s hand shoots up and he says “Jesus”. She smiles benignly and gives him the $2.

Afterwards the teacher says “Abe, I was surprised to hear you say that”. Abe replies “Well I would have said Moses, but hey! like my father says, business is business”.

OK so here’s another Jewish joke:

Son goes to visit mother in the old country. She know that he’s married to a Gentile, and asks a few more questions about how religion goes where he is now living.

No, he doesn’t always observe the Sabbath – it’s difficult when so many things are scheduled for Saturdays. No, he doesn’t always eat Kosher – his business clients often choose the restaurant for lunch meetings, and he can’t make a fuss. At the end of a long list, she finally asks anxiously “Son, are you still circumcised?”

Ah, Margaret, you reminded me of 2 jokes!
#1:
A young Jewish boy is enrolled in public school and is doing terribly in math. At her wits end, his mom decides to enroll him in Catholic school, hoping that the discipline will help him concentrate.
So the first day after the new school, the young boy comes running into the house, pulls out his books and does all of his math homework, and then spends an hour studying. This happens every day for a month straight! This young boy goes from failing math to a straight "A" average!
At the end of the school year, his mom praises him on his efforts, and asked what inspired the huge change which led to such success in math. He tells her "Well, mom, on that first day that I went into the school? When I saw they had some man nailed to a giant "plus" sign, I knew they were serious about learning math!

#2 - this pokes a little fun at Presbyterians, of which I am one...if you weren't raised in a reformed protestant religion, you might not appreciate it as much as we do!
A kindergarten teacher asked her students, as part of show and tell, to bring in something that represents something about their church.
So the first little girl gets up and says "My name is Mary, and I'm Catholic. These are my rosary beads."
The next little boy gets up and says "My name is David and I'm Jewish, and this is a dreidel."
The third little boy gets up and says "My name is Matt, I'm a Presbyterian and this is a casserole."

The casserole surprised me, not being Presbyterian, but I guess at least you didn’t go hungry! This is my last Jewish joke, as the book is down at the farm.

A traveler staying overnight in a town needs a watch repair. He goes into a shop with a big display of clocks and other timepieces in the window, and is unimpressed when the shop-owner says that he doesn’t repair watches. ‘Then why do you have all those clocks in the window’. Answer: ‘I like clocks. I do all the ritual circumcisions in the district. What would YOU put in the window?’.

Margaret, we do a lllooottt of "potluck" suppers! The idea being the church is not only a place of worship, but a place of fellowship and friendship.
Even through the pandemic, after "virtual" church, we were doing a "virtual coffee hour"!

While searching the net for a good Dad joke, most were not new, but found one I haven't read before.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Polarbear, it took a minute to get it! I actually had to look up the joke online and it was extra funny to learn I'm not the only one who blanks at that punchline. I love it! https://www.thenationalnews.com/lifestyle/the-simple-cheese-joke-that-is-confusing-and-delighting-the-internet-1.886952

Polar bear, excellent!! Definitely my kind of joke!

Polar that's absolutely hilarious, LOVE it! Definitely stealing it for my daughter!

Polar! Lol! I do like this kind of jokes!

Why was the number 7 afraid of 9?

Because 7 ate (8) 9!

Guts and balls;there is a medical distinction.
Wev'e heard of people having guts or balls,but do you know the difference???
In an effort to keep you Stagers informed,the definitions are listed below.

"Guts "is arriving home after a late night out with the boys
and being met at the door by your wife with her broom,
and having the guts to say"are you still cleaning or flying somewhere"?

"Balls"is coming home after a night out with the boys
smelling of perfume and beer ,and lipstick on your collar
,
slapping your wife on the butt and saying"You are next chubby"

There are two outcomes of the previous instances.both
could result in hospital bills or even death.


I hope I have cleared up any misconceptions you have .
no no
don't thank me

With father's day we heard lots of dumb dad jokes. Here's my favorite...

What did the buffalo say when his son went off to college?

Bison.

It’s exactly 6 months to Christmas Day, and here is a totally out-of-season Christmas joke:

Those three usual accident-prone young men front up to St Peter, who says that as it’s Christmas he will let them into heaven in spite of their past sins if each of them can show him something related to Christmas. Frantic thinking! The first one jingles his keys, Jingle Bells! He’s in. The second one lights up his cigarette lighter – a Christmas candle. OK, just. The third one pulls a sexy pair of knickers out of this pocket. St Peter says ‘That’s too much, what have knickers to do with Christmas?’. Answer “They’re Carol’s”.

I Am A Woman
What's Your Super Power?