Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Also, let us not forget, was off his face on cocaine. I find that remembering that really helps when you're trying to make sense of his interpretation of dreams.

lol @CM. Back in prudish Victorian times, when cocaine and opium/narcotics were legal and considered healthy lol. It does make some sense that some wild psychology theories came from Freud and Jung in that setting.

Psychiatrist Peter Breggin, M.D.

AliBoBali,

My wife tells me that Freud was a big user of cocaine or something which made his sex life awesome! It is also interesting that in those Victorian times, pornography exploded in society behind closed doors.

HUSBAND:

I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.

WIFE:

Why does it say "Do Not Resuscitate?"

There is absolutely no excuse for laziness.

But if you find one, let me know.

Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic!

Next time a stranger talks to me and I am alone. I am going to look at him all shocked and whisper quietly, "You can see me?"

ITTR: You're a sketch = that phrase was one I had used back in the day = hilarious. It just came to me when looking over my grandmother's ceramic artistry.💖

Thank you LL🤗

ITTR: You're welcome.😂

This didn't post this morning for some reason:

My computer is apparently becoming a bit fixated on mental illness:

‘Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd’ C Jung

Not exactly a joke but pretty darn funny,, My hubs has been wanting those "fruit ad vegi" vitimins they advertise on TV for a small fortune. I looked them up,, ratings poor/ just a vitamin,, etc. So today I stopped at the store and found a reasonably priced MENS vit with all the goodies... It is clearly labeled for MEN,, and on the back it says not to take it if you are pregnant or breast feeding ??? Welcome to the new world people!!

Pammzi,
New prescription states: Do not lie down after taking it.
Take twice a day, morning and at bedtime. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why they list all the adverse effects anyway? I always have about 9 out of ten symptoms before taking the medication.

Pharmacist giving "how to take instructions" for new medicine, while masked, and behind plexiglass. She moves away from plexiglas, starts to whisper the last possible side effect into my ear..... D I A R R H E A !

Am I going to get Covid now? Maybe in my ear?

This has got to be the funniest joke ever! I am going to use it, since strangers have been coming up to the car in parking lots, knocking on the window, wanting to say something.....

"Next time a stranger talks to me and I am alone. I am going to look at him all shocked and whisper quietly, "You can see me?".

I’ve got a new book of mostly obscene jokes. Carefully chosen jokes will now follow:

A guy is driving up a steep winding mountain road, when a woman driver comes down in the opposite direction, veering over the center lane. As she comes towards him, she yells ‘Pig’. The guy is incensed, yells out the window ‘B*tch’. Just around the corner he collides with a large pig in the middle of the road.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t, it never was yours.

But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, and takes your money ... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Next decent one:

This old cowboy with the cowboy boots and all the trimmings sits down in a middle west bar with a young lady. She says ‘Are you a real cowboy?’. He says yes, with details. She says, ‘Well I’m a lesbian. When I get up in the morning I think about women. Whatever I do, it makes me think about women’. Next a young couple come into the bar and also ask if he’s a real cowboy, or just rhinestone. He says ‘I thought I was, but now I’m wondering if I’m really a lesbian’.

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door, she started yelling that she hoped he died a long, slow, painful death.

He turned around and said, so you want me to stay...

My computer is now turning to conspiracy theories. This morning:

Humpty Dumpty was pushed!

Back to the book:

Bob and his wife are killed in a horrific car crash with two of Bob’s friends. St Peter at the pearly gates says ‘Heaven’s a big place, so we give newcomers some transport to find their way around. What you get depends on how well you’ve gone with the “shalt not commit” commandment’.

The first friend has had three wives and multiple affairs. He gets a bicycle. The second friend managed one wife and not too much on the side. He gets a beat-up VW. Bob’s had one wife, no sex before marriage, and no affairs. He gets a Ferrari, and zooms off.

His mates catch up with him just down the yellow brick road, sobbing over the steering wheel. ‘What’s wrong, Bob?’ ‘I stopped to check out all these dials and gauges, and my wife just passed me on a skate board!’

I am so happy.

I got called pretty today! Well, the full statement was "You're pretty annoying " but, I only focus on positive things.

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm. I gave her the super glue by mistake.



She's still not talking to me.

ITTR: "She's not talking ......." because she can't. 😀😀

My latest book has lots of jokes that are obscene and/or highly sexist (both ways). Just occasionally one of the latter catches me unawares:

An accident victim needs a brain transplant. The surgeon says it’s possible, but you have to pay for the transplant brain as well as the surgery. How much? Well the going rate for male brains is $500, for female brains $200.

Fury from victim's daughter! Why are female brains less valuable?
Answer: Most of them have already had quite a lot of use.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure you walk right into them so they know it's working 😜.

Need a Raise
 
Monday morning, Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have three companies very interested in me – they’re constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 7% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way,” asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies keep calling you?”
“If you must know,” says Sam, “It’s the electric company, water company, and phone company.”

A man died and left everything to his wife with the stipulation that she had to spend $30,000.00 on his funeral.

The day after his funeral the wife was talking to a friend and said that it took some doing but, she had spent the 30k on his funeral. The friend asked how she did it. Well, I spent 6,000.00 on the casket, 4k on the church, flowers, food and music. Then I spent the rest on the memorial stone.

Her friend was astonished at the cost of the memorial stone and asked "20k for the memorial stone? How big is it?"


Oh, about 4 carats, replied the wife.

TEXTING for SENIORS

BFF -Best friend fell
BTW- Bring the wheelchair
TTYL- Talk to you louder
BYOT- Bring your own teeth
LMDO - Laughing my dentures out
IMHAO- Is my hearing aid on?
ROTFLACGU - Rolling on the floor laughing and can't get up

Heavily edited jokes regarding a few good things about being a man:

Movie nudity is virtually almost female.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
You can open all your own jars.
Your physique from the neck down is rarely an issue in job interviews.
You can go for a leak without taking someone with you.
You get extra credit for any small act of thoughtfullness.
If you are 34 and single, no-one asks.
You can admire a movie star without starving yourself to look that way.
Same work – more pay. (Me- I almost didn’t put this one in)
People never check your chest when they talk to you.
!!!