Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Just so I don't forget, I've sent this to my sisters:-

Another thing to laugh at from this morning. Tony bought an App called Google MiniNest for $30, partly because it lets him stream 5MU from Murray Bridge, a radio station that is pretty well on-target for him. He installed it, and you operate it by saying ‘Hey Google, blah blah blah’. I got sick of it, and shouted at it ‘Hey Google, I’m going to the toilet’. This nasty app replied, to my absolute amazement. ‘No problem, I’ll wait’. My jaw just dropped!

The radio station that is easiest for us locally is TouristFM, which is largely golden oldies for the grey nomads. The day before yesterday I heard ‘Purple People Eater’, and actually heard a few more words (I remembered most of them). It wasn’t “pidgeon toed under towed’ like we used to sing. It’s actually ‘pigeon toed, under growed’. ‘Nice little short short purple people eater’, so undergrowed. There you are!

Does no-one else have anything funny to report? Should I give up? HELP!

I helped an older man ro to the bathroom today. He said he arrived at port just in time, thought the ship may have already sailed... A large amount of air was heard & I replied 'you were sailing pretty close to the wind...'. He like it 😆

A string walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get out, we don't serve strings here. So the string went back outside.

Once outside, he tied a knot at the top and ruffled the end a bit. He walked back into the bar.

The bartender sees him and says "Didn't I tell you strings aren't allowed in here?"

The string replies "I'm not a string."

"No?" asks the bartender, "You're not a string?"

The string replies: "Nope. I'm afraid not."

Ba-doom TISH!


(for anyone who doesn't get the pun/play on words... a frayed knot...)

Teacher: Johnny, I hope I didn't just see you copying answers from Bobby's test.

Johnny: I, too, hope that you didn't see me copying from Bobby.

A man is driving down a highway and swerves to avoid a rabbit, unfortunately the rabbit jumps in front of his car and is hit.

The driver being a sensitive man and an animal lover pulls over to see what has happened to the rabbit.

Much to his horror it is the easter bunny and it's DEAD!

The man begins crying uncontrollably. A beautiful blonde woman is driving by and sees this man crying on the side of the road and stops to see what is wrong.

When she approaches him he begins wailing that he KILLED the EASTER BUNNY!!! He feels just terrible. He can't quit crying and blaming himself for killing the Easter bunny.

The blonde tells him not to worry and runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She goes over to the limp, lifeless Easter bunny and sprays the contents on to him.

The easter bunny jumps up, waves at the two of them and hops away.

Ten feet away he turns and waves again, in another 10 feet he turns and waves again, he keeps hopping 10 feet, turning and waving again and again until he is out of sight.

The man is astonished and runs to the lady and demands to know what is in the can? What did she spray on the Easter bunny?

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read what it says...




HAIR SPRAY

RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR
and
ADDS PERMANENT WAVE

A man has a terrible accident with his brand new Ferrari.

When the police arrive, he is crying uncontrollably, I can't believe I just wrecked my new Ferrari.

The cop says, "I can't believe how materialistic you are. You haven't even noticed that your left arm has been cut off".

The driver looks at his left arm and screams! "OMG! My rolex!"

I got fired from my bank job today 😥.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over🤣.

A burglar broke into the house...I put the red dot on his chest...the cat did the rest.

I told my teenage niece to get me a newspaper.

She laughed at me and told me I was old and newspapers were a thing of the past. However, I could use her phone.

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider. Now she's mad. Hmmm?

Isthisrealyreal PC froze again - after restart I loaded this thread and was scrolling to find the ones I hadn't seen yet. As soon as I saw the word rabbit, I thought of that joke (it was just a bunny), but also another, I think it was Paula Poundstone joke... telling the man that when rabbits have sex, the male screams and falls over passed out, so not to worry, the rabbit just had sex!

I also laughed out loud about the red dot and the cat doing the rest! I've often said my cats cower, expecting me to take care of whatever, unless it's small, scurries or flies or squeaks... They'd come out after the fact and ponder whether they should eat me since I'm not providing their food...

Senior gentleman in a public bar imbibes a little too freely and informs the bartender:
"I need to use the bathroom".
Bartender replies,
"Just go down the stairs".
Senior gentlemen is soon ejected from the bar by two burly security guards.
"But I hadn't even finished", he protests...

True story, here.
I grew up in southern California, where my sister and I frequented Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm, several times a year.
On our last trip to Disney, my sister wore the cutest bright pink sneakers, with yellow polka-dots on them. After one very raucous roller-coaster ride, we popped into the ladies room. When I spotted my sisters sneakers in the stall right next to mine, I grabbed her leg and yelled, "gotcha!"...lol...
The joke was on me...it wasn't my sister at all!!! :0o

For us older women:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

The shoe is only ugly if you don't fork over the big bucks.

All kinds of cute orthopedic shoes nowadays.

How about cute orthopedic bright pink sneakers with yellow polka-dots on them? Like KK’s sister? Why should we hold back – let's all go to town!

KK I have a similar story. Many years ago I was walking through our local mall when I spotted my sister's husband up ahead. He was a real jokey type of man so I walked up behind him and slapped him on the butt and said "hey honey!"Turned out it wasn't him and he had a woman with him to boot. Oops!

What a scream! Loved all the Shoe replies!!! Especially the story of Gershun and her sisters husband!!! Am sitting in my sunroom, alone, at
o'-dark-30 & giggling like a doofus... you guys tickle me!!!
"Thanks, I needed that!" :0)

Yes, indeed, "the story of Gershun and her sister's husband!!!" was great! Unfortunately, I can't remember any one of the stories when people thought that my wife was with me, but it was her identical twin sister. I often call her the Donna impersonator. Her first name even starts with a D. Identical twins are so much fun with the confusion they cause to other people who don't know them both very well. LOL! Have a good laugh!

Oh!!! I wish you could remember some of your stories!!! :0) The Identical Twin gags could likely go on and on... what mischievous fun I would've had with that!
God knew better than to give me a twin! Lol...lol... would've been such a hoot and a holler! If you think of one, be sure to post it... would love to hear it... :)
Is so good to laugh and smile with you guys a bit.

KKTheBeam,

Warning, this is a bit on the racy side.

I'll let you imagine the context. She was spending a few nights with us one summer and they were both having hot flashes. I commented to my wife about what her sis was wearing that morning. At first, I was shocked and then laughed when my wife said, "well if you have seen one of us, you have seen the other." That's the only story that comes to mind right now. The other stories are not that racy, but this one is.

Oh ... wow!!! Heee hee hee... what a riot! This is great!! :0) AND...I can totally relate.! Hot flashes were "SOOOOOO funny" to joke about...BEFORE I ever had them! Lol...lol... :0)
Loved this...

I don’t mean to be snotty, but I always need to sort out ‘USA’ spelling in my posts (different from the English that I do the drafts in), so I get involved in spelling all the time. Occasionally miss-spells do give me a little laugh. Today it was “You mustard up the courage to confront the issue”. I hope it wasn’t hot English mustard!

Let’s find kindly giggles where we can!

For Real!!! Bcuz that WOULD take corage!!! Lol...lol... :0o

I used to cough to cover up my farts.
Now I fart to cover up my coughs.

Homing pigeon...
I sold my homing pigeon on E-Bay 22 times last month.

WHAT I IF TOLD YOU





YOU READ THE TOP LINE WRONG

😵🙃

Do UK websites use biscuits instead of cookies?

Dear SendHelp, I don't want to seem stupid, but you will have to explain "WHAT I IF TOLD YOU: YOU READ THE TOP LINE WRONG" ???? And I still haven't worked out what CWillies second what-ever-it-is means. I know I'm not all that tech savvy, and have a problem with mobile phones (the farm has no reception), but please help!