mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID
"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."
The bartender apologised, but said he had to see the license.
The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.
"The tip's for carding me," he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup.
"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
They taste funny.
HOW TO TREAT YOUR HUSBAND
Always kiss him when he goes out or comes in.
Always give him the best chair for watching the television.
Don't ask him where he is going, when he steps out at 9.45pm.
Always have a meal ready for him each evening.
Always give him what you save weekly out of the housekeeping.
Do all you can for hi.
If that doesn't satisfy him - shoot him!
For those that do no know me by now or have not noticed. :)
I am a 'glass half full' type of girl (old girl hahaha) with a weird sense of humour.
So I will lay off the jokes for a while as I do not wish to offend or upset anyone.
These are jokes, right?
I am so not offended, and so not upset.
If you did edit all the funny parts out (like what we SHOULD be doing for our husbands), the joke would be just boring, because we have all of us likely thought to just shoot him.
Offering our guest his choice of salads, Cobb with tuna, just plain Cobb, or .....
He interrupted, "I don't eat pork".
Oh, I interrupted...."This one just has fresh cooked tuna!"
What then, I am supposed to remember the ingredients in a Cobb salad: Bacon!
And then, also recall that bacon is pork? Sheesh!
SEE, blonde.
You are a breathe of change in a tough journey.
Love you, you funny girl you!
***********
Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?
She heard you could get thinner there.
*******************
Ate salad for dinner!
Mostly croutons and tomatoes.
Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.
And cheese.
OK OK OK
Fine, it was pizza.
I ate a pizza.
A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.
Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.
**********************
I don't need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy foods out of my hand.
Poor Beasts!
The horse and mule live 30 years
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The goat and sheep at 20 die
And never taste of Scotch or Rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done.
The dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum and gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it corals.
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at 10.
All animals are strictly dry:
They sinless live and swiftly die;
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.
And some of them, a very few,
Stay pickled till they're 92.
- ANON
Glad you enjoyed it :)
****************
It took a lot of willpower. But I finally gave up dieting.
****************
Q: What’s your favorite exercise?
A: Chewing.
****************
It took a lot of willpower. But I finally gave up dieting.
****************
Q: What’s your favourite exercise?
A: Chewing.
*********************
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
People always tell me I'm condescending.
(That means talking down to people.)
Q: What do you do if a bird* craps on your windshield?
A: Don't take her out again.
* British English slang for woman. Sorry.
Further explanatory note. I thought of this to cheer myself up after a boy hedge sparrow, intent on squabbling with his nest-mate, flew too close and did poo on my hair this morning while I was innocently sitting outside doing the crossword. Lucky, my foot!
Further clarification: when I say I "thought of" the above, I mean I remembered it. I am not the author of this little quip.
A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position."
*************
A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.
A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”
“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
****************
This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website.
The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."
He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.
“Good boy,” says the Marshall.
“What happened?” asks the man.
“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”
Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.
“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.
The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.
“What’s going on?!” demands the man.
The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.
With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery.
It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both.
When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.
The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.