Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

SMART A$$ ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART A$$ ANSWER #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

Sign on office coffee maker: Don't make fun of our coffee. You'll be old and weak yourself someday.

Country music is excited about the new "self driving cars". Soon they can write a song about the cowboy who's "truck" left him!

The mother superior had summoned all the nuns in the convent. She explained that the interior of their sleeping quarters was in bad need of paint, the budget was tight, so to save money they would do the painting themselves. She cautioned them to not get any paint on their clothes.

The nuns get the job started and immediately sister Mary Margaret gets a paint smudge on her habit. One of the younger nuns has a good idea....Why don’t we pull the shades, lock the door and take off our clothes? They all agreed, disrobed and got back to work.

A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door. WHO IS IT? A voice says...ITS THE BLIND GUY! A young nun, thinking no harm could come of this, opens the door. Guy says...WHOA! NICE T...s GIRLS! WHERE DO YOU WANT THESE BLINDS?

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour's cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

tgengine, I told my son that one. He says if you play one of those songs backward it will be the plot to the Stephen King novel Christine.

A guy went to a zoo hoping to see a lot of different animals, but all they had was one little dog. It was a shih tzu.

Old guy working out in the gym with his trainer. A pretty young girl walks into the gym. The old guy asked his trainer "what machine do you think I should use to impress her"? The trainer looks at the girl then looks at the old guy and says "The ATM in the lobby". Bam Dum dum...

A retired man in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what hair was left on his head.

“This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal when he spotted a highway patrol trooper in his rear view mirror–blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he flew down the road at over 120 mph! Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.”

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”

The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”

Old guy in nursing home having 100 th birthday. His great grandsons thought it would be cute to send a hooker to his room. Beautiful girl shows up wearing only a mink coat. She pulls the coat open just a bit and says.....I’m here to give you some Super Sex! Poor old guy replies.....Could I just have the soup please?

A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What language is the least spoken language in the world ?
Sign language

My girlfriend told me, "I need it! I'm so wet! Give it to me, now!"
I told her she can scream all she wants, she's not getting my umbrella

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

I should have posted this one yesterday for the Ides of March, but it's just as bad a pun a day late:

One day a woman found a berry that was so beautiful and perfect that people came from miles around to admire and praise it. One day a thief knocked on the door. The woman's husband answered and, not knowing the man was a thief, asked him, "Have you come to admire and praise my wife's berry?" The thief replied, "I have come to seize her berry, not to praise it."

Wife: You’re shirtless?
Me: Yes
Wife: And also covered in ... oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! You never listen!
Me: Ohh

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.
Would it kill them to write few sentences?

I'm not a very good electrician. Many people are shocked to learn that.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think the rabbit died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that our rabbit died?”

The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave the dead rabbit a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...
Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"

Then I wait at a green light to make me feel good about myself.

Not exactly a joke but I saw a funny saying on a t-shirt: I don't have kids. My dog's allergic.

Thank you all for the jokes - i'm laughing like crazy and my DH thinks i'm finally cracking up.

Why did the Israelites wander in the desert for forty years?

Moses refused to stop and ask for directions.

Did you hear about the man who boiled a hyena? Made himself a laughing stock.

Husband and wife are sitting around one evening and she asks, "Dear, if I died, would you remarry?" He says, "Well, I suppose I probably would. You'd want me to, wouldn't you? You wouldn't want me to be lonely?" She says, "That's true. But would you let your new wife wear my jewelry?" He says, "I guess. You wouldn't have any use for it, so I suppose she might as well, don't you think?" She says, "I suppose so. Would you let her drive my car?" He says, "Well, again, you wouldn't be driving it, so I suppose she might as well get some use out of it." She says, "That makes sense, I guess. Would you let her use my golf clubs?" He says, "No, she couldn't use those. She's left handed."

My husband was very pleased with me. I managed to eat most of what was on my plate. I eat little an often but this one was a little bigger than usual.

He said to me
"Well done. That will make you a big, strong, girl"


One out of 3 isn't bad. Hahahaha
Well I am 72/3(so not a girl), Have arthritis (so not strong) overweight hahaha
If you cannot laugh at yourself, should you really laugh at others?
With YES but AT????

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...
But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.

The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.