Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

OK. Here is my joke of the day.

WARNING - if you're anti-gun, you should not read this. And don't send me any message about it either. I am not promoting guns. The statistics were accurate for the year the joke was written.


Accidental Deaths

A) The number of physicians in the U..S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept.. of Health and Human Services.

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Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

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So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

***********************

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

**********************

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

***********************

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!


**********************

Out of concern for the public at large,

We withheld the statistics on

lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

Holy crap Phoenixdaughter! That was soooo hilarious!
But I think, after nearly wetting yourself, you’d understand why I think it was a wonderfully helpful story.
Was a bit constipated, took a laxitive yesterday and it hadn’t worked...yet.
I was relaxing on the bed after seeing my wife at her board n care. I was tearing up laughing, all along the way with this story. Then, I just burst out in such extreme laughter that, you guessed it!
I barely made it to the toilet! Damn you! And thank you!

Man went into a bar with his dog. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in the bar." Man says, "He's my seeing eye dog." Bartender says, "Oh, I apologize. Of course a seeing eye dog is allowed." The man has a drink and leaves. As he's walking out the door, another man is coming in with his dog, a chihuahua. The first one says, "Hey buddy, if you want to bring your dog in, you have to say he's a seeing eye dog." The man thanks him for the tip and goes on in. Bartender says, "No dogs allowed in the bar." The man says, "He's my seeing eye dog." The bartender is skeptical and says, "A seeing eye chihuahua?" The man says, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!"

A young man had just gotten his first real job and was wondering what to wear to work. He had always heard that to get ahead in the workplace, you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. So he went to work dressed as Spiderman.

The Piper's Lament
(True story ??.... very moving)

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
 
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost on the way and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the grave-diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
 
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Thank you dogperson and InMyShoe for your contributions.

Dogperson, I'm guessing you're the 2nd guy walking into the bar with the chihuahua. ;D

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
And one of them was assaulted

(Old favorite of mine that makes my now adult children roll their eyes)

Hahaha. Funny Daughterof1930.

Here is my contribution for the day. Enjoy.

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: " as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around" he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'

Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

TO BE SIX AGAIN

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kick-ball during recess.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.

I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, I want to be oblivious to the complications of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them. I want to be six again.

I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees & riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.

I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back.

I want to travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

I want to be six again

A guy gets in lots of trouble, facing some hard time, so he runs off and joins the foreign legion. He ends up stationed in the middle of a vast desert. Many months go by. Poor guys about crazy. No booze, recreation, women, no nothing.

So he asks a comrade....What do you guts do for women out here? Guy says....Oh, once a year they’ll drive a heard of camels through and we take our pick. First guy....No f......... way I’d ever do that!

About a month later, guy wakes up, hears the thunder of hooves way out in the desert. He takes off running with all the other guts towards the herd of camels off in the distance. He notices there’s only 20 guys and there must be 100 camels. He yells to the next to him........Hey! What are we running for? There must be 100 camels?! Guy says.........Ya don’t want to get an ugly one do ya!?

For the musicians out there........

The roll and roll band is having a good night. The bar is packed and they’re really in the groove. During a break a talent agent comes back stage, tells  the guys he loves their  sound, wants to sign them to a huge recording contract and start them on tour, all expenses paid.

They’re all estactic as they go back on stage. The lead guitar player is thinking about all the good drugs and groupies. The drummer is thinking how he can catch up on alimony, pay the mortgage and get a new car. The keyboard guy is thinking about the big boat and Harley he’s going to buy. The bass player is thinking....CG,CG,CG,CG................

DEFINITION OF PERFECT PITCH

When you throw the accordion in the dumpster and it lands right on top the banjo.

HOW TO TUNE A BANJO

STEP 1

Give up....


HOW DO YOU GET A DRUMMER OFF YOUR FRONT PORCH?

Pay for the pizza......


WHAT DO YOU CALL A BASS PLAYER WHOSE GIRLFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH HIM?

Homeless

HOW MANY GUITAR PLAYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

Just one....And 12 others to argue about how Clapton would have done it.

Windyridge - I don't get what CG is.

Polar! - C, G is the most you can expect a bass player to concentrate on at any given time.

Haven't I heard some of these as viola player jokes?

As in, which is the best person to pick for your string quartet?

Santa Claus
The Pied Piper of Hamelin
A slow viola player
A quick viola player

Answer: the slow viola player. The others do not exist in reality.

A French foreign legion unit has a new captain, and the sergeant is showing him around. They see a camel, and the captain asks what it is for. The sergeant is clearly embarrassed , and says," Well, sir, we're a long way from wives and girlfriends and, well, the men have needs."

The captain wants to show that he is one of the guys and that the sergeant has nothing to be embarrassed about. He says, "I think I'll give that a try." He makes use of the camel's services, and then finds the sergeant staring at him in amazement. He says, "Well, Sergeant, isn't that the way the men do it?" The sergeant replies, "No sir. They use the camel to ride into town where there's a brothel."

P bear, it’s the musical note C and then the Note G.

If you playing a simple country song in the key of C for example, the bass will play these 2 notes quite a bit in an alternating pattern. There will probably be an F in there as well. It’s the OOMPA SOUND.  Like a tuba.


The three principal chords in the key of C are C, F, and G.  If you can play these 3 notes you can play bass in a basic country band...Or rock band...Or polka.....

Calling up my friend now so she can play in a bad country band or a rock n roll band with her Marimba.

Uh,can't do it Send,sorry,but my marimba doesn't play Country or Rock,just songs like
"Mexicalli Rose" and "Hungarian Dance #5" and ofcourse "Love Makes The World Go Round".
Thanks anyway though~

Just came from the popular abbreviation pages.
CG stands for CareGiver!
What happened, are ya all d, e, f, ??

Someday Lu,
You'll be the leader of a big ole band, and people from miles around will come and see you til the sun goes down!

OMG....The French foreign legion/camel jokes....Enough already.

We should just do the punch lines.....ITS YOUR NIGHT IN THE BARREL....Just fill in the blanks.

Ok...How bout hillbilly jokes...

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama/West Virginia/ Kentucky ( Insert any redneck state here)

Cause if had been invented anywhere else it would be called a TEETH brush.

Hillbilly joke: Do you know why it's so hard to solve crimes in Alabama/West Virginia/Kentucky (insert redneck state)?

Because there's no dental records and everybody's DNA is the same.

Why is a tornado like a hillbilly divorce?

Cause in either event somebody’s gonna lose a mobile home.

WindyRidge - funny jokes. :D

I liked John Cooper Clarke's take on post-divorce splits - "...so we split the house, I got the outside..."

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years.......

...........but when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Rich lady to her chauffeur: "James, drive off a cliff. I want to commit suicide."

SMART A$$ ANSWER #1

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART A$$ ANSWER #2

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'