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🥰

“I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order AS THEY SHOULD BE.”
(6)
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🙂

"When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it."
(4)
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🥰

“In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
(2)
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❤️🙂 gooood morning!

“I’m wondering who ate my bowl of sunshine this morning?”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”
(4)
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Soup sandwich again today!
(1)
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❤️🙂

Senior Citizen Texting Code:

BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low
IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
ROFLACGU: Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can’t Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
(3)
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❤️🙂

“BREAKING NEWS…
The world is almost out of common sense.”
(6)
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❤️🙂

“BREAKING NEWS…
Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent Covid-19 but to stop eating.”
(5)
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❤️🙂 

“BREAKING NEWS…
Several people out of millions on twitter offended about something you don’t care about.”
(3)
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❤️🙂 

“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
(4)
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🥰 we all make mistakes. some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:

“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.”    

—
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.”

—
“Human brian is still evolving, says scientist.”

—
“Employment wanted. Manure woman wanted.”

—
“One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.”
(4)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"Mentally ill needed:
To interview for novel. Must be successful & interesting."
(4)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"For Sale By Owner:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything."
(5)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"WILL the person who got hit in the head by a tomato in the 1950s please contact (414) 453...."
(3)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"USED TOILET PAPER - For sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices."
(2)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"SURGEON WANTED for a new health clinic opening in the area. No experience needed. Must have own tools."
(5)
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🥰 real newspaper ad...

"FOR FREE:

Beautiful 6-month old kitten, orange & caramel, playful, friendly, very affectionate.
OR
Handsome 32-year old husband, funny, good job, but doesn't like cats. Says he goes or cat goes.

CALL Jennifer. Come see both & decide which you'd like."
(4)
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❤️🙂 

"A wise man once said, 'I don't know, go ask a woman.'"
(4)
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❤️🙂 

"Things happen for a reason. Except for clowns. There's no reason for clowns."
(3)
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❤️😉

“If anyone had me
in mind for Valentine’s
Day, my favorite flower
is weed.”
(3)
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😉

“The last two years
have been a strange
ten years”
(4)
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❤️🙂

“If you’re not in my circle of trust, you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rectangle of doubt.”
(4)
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❤️🙂

“OK. I'm ready for Rich People Problems. I've mastered Broke People Problems, so I'd like to move to the next level, please.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“This year we fought two pandemics.
COVID-19 AND STUPIDITY.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

“My xmas list is short this year:
— $1,000,000 in cash
— the souls of all who have displeased me
— a kitten”
(2)
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❤️🙂

”Does anyone else look in the
fridge for a snack only to find
you have no snack-worthy
snacks so then you lower
your snackpectations and
eat a single slice of cheese
and a random grape?”
(3)
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❤️🙂

”Shout out to the friends who still like me…All two of you.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“I’m running out of people I actually like.”
(2)
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