I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
🙂 “Nothing messes up your Friday, like finding out it’s Tuesday.”
“I googled my symptoms. Turns out I just need a vacation.”
“It’s very impolite to keep a vacation waiting.”
“How to have a beach body: 1. Have a body. 2. Go to the beach.”
“My favorite memory from childhood is my parents paying for my holidays.”
"Of course women don't work as hard as men...They get it right the first time."
"Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown and being fat, everything is great. Thanks."
"Only a few more mental breakdowns until the new year. C'mon people, we can do this."
🙂 "Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars."
A perfect man:
-wakes up at 5 am every day
-exercises daily
-makes his own bed
-cleans his room
-works sincerely
-does not touch alochol
-helps in the kitchen
-does not indulge in night life
-is always punctual
-prays daily
-reads
-hits the bed at 9 pm sharp
Where do you find such perfect men?
Answer: Jail
"Nobody can stop me but only because I haven't started yet."
"Those who doubt you probably have a valid reason."
"Please take your feelings and tuck them back inside your heart."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"You thank God daily, but have you ever once heard a ‘You’re welcome’?"
"If life doesn’t break you today, don’t worry. It'll try again tomorrow."
"I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text. It’s just that I don’t care about your feelings."
"Every time you tell a dead person to rest in peace, you disturb their rest."
"If you give up on your dreams that may free up some time to get some actual stuff done."
"3 years in jail
for stealing my nose!!"
"Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because if you don’t, everyone will ask you what’s wrong."
"Expectations – Refuse to accept anything but the very best and you are never going to last around here."
🙂 "The secret of my success? I make a list of things not to do, and then I check them off as I don’t do them."
"Because there’s nothing standing between you and your goal but a total lack of talent and complete failure of will."
"If your heart was really broken, you would be dead, so shut up."
"If life is so hard, how come so many idiots are doing it?"
🙂 "I'll jump in front of a train for you, as long as the train is not moving."
"May your day feel like pancakes and coffee on a Saturday morning."
"The best pancake topping is more pancakes!"
"I don't have to tell you I love you. I fed you pancakes."
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well not fire, because that's dangerous. But a super humid room...Well not too humid, because you know...my hair."
🙂 "We'll be friends till we're old and senile...and then we can be new friends."
"We've been friends for so long I can't remember which one of us is the bad influence."
warning: the topic below is jerks.
...sometimes we bump into jerks. there are many in the world unfortunately, North, South, East, West. here are some quotes to try to make us laugh, while we deal with such people :).
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."
"It isn't that I'm not a people person, I'm just not a stupid people person."
"Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?"
"I don't think you're stupid. You just have bad luck when thinking."
🙂 "I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is called happiness."
"Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit!! So proud of myself.
It was a scarf. But still. Let's be positive here!"
I put on an outfit, cross my fingers and hope it fits.
bundle of joy :)
🙂 "For some reason, I already feel tired tomorrow."
❤️ "My goal this weekend is to move...just enough so people don't think I'm dead."
"Lazy rule: Can't reach it, don't need it."
"Laziness is the first step towards efficiency."
just trying to be positive :)
"Lazy rule 2: If something falls under the bed, it's gone forever."
🙂 "Don't be mad at lazy people. They didn't do anything."
🙂 "That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people."
"Cookies make the world go round."
so glad to hear it, i thought it was money.
"If you can't change the world with cookies, how can you change the world?"
🙂 "You know when you buy a bag of salad and it gets all brown and soggy? Cookies don't do that."
🙂 "Yesterday, I really wanted cookies. Today, I'm eating cookies. Follow your dreams."
🍪
take this cookie just in case.
🙂 "Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap."
“Every time I eat a salad, I’m like, my life better change after this.”
“Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.”
“Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.”
“If you see me eating a salad in a restaurant, I have been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you.”
bundle of joy 🙂
"If hard times only make you stronger, then I should be able to whip Superman's *ss by now."
"Don't let anyone else ruin your day. It's your day. Ruin it yourself."
"When reality and your dreams collide, typically it's just your alarm clock going off."
🙂 "Women love mythical creatures...Vampires, werewolves, unicorns, men who listen..."