mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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"Temporarily closed for spiritual maintenance."
"Sometimes I feel like I have my life together
and then I'm like
wow
that was a really nice 45 seconds."
"You're incredibly mature for your age."
First of all, I'm traumatized.
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture."
"55 smiles per hour."
"I don't wanna
taco 'bout it."
"Well, That Didn't Work"
--an autobiography
"Note to self:
Double up on the happy pills for a week."
"I need a break from my own thoughts."
"My stress stresses me out
to the point that I'm too stressed to deal with the stress."
"Be patient with me, I'm somewhere between
losing my mind and finding my soul. 🦋"
"I'm naturally irritated when I first wake up.
You just have to give me a few days to adjust."
"I need one of those Kim Kardashian jobs
where they pay me to exist."
"Raise your hand if
you try to breathe quieter
while walking up a hill
so bystanders don't
hear you fighting for
your life."
"I had a date last night.
I really enjoyed it.
So tonight I'm going to
try a fig."
And now for my next trick
*waves hand*
I'll turn my stress and anxiety into body fat.
"You seem to be on your own path.
Unfortunately, there's a 'socio' in front of it."
"Having thick thighs means
you can hold more puppies on your lap,
so who's the real winner here?"
"That depressing moment when
you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off,
and you wonder why bad things happen to good people."
"HR:
Did you call an employee stupid?
Me:
No, I asked if he was stupid."
"I hate it when I have finally have the laundry caught up,
then I see my family walking around in clothes."
"I heard the government is putting chips inside of people.
I hope I get Doritos."
"I need at least 70 days notice to do something."
I'm gonna have a positive attitude today.
*me 5 minutes into the day*
I have contained my rage for as long as possible.
"Me yelling at squirrels in the street to move so they don't die
is probably the same feeling God has watching me live my life most days."
"When I offer you food, it's only because I was raised right.
As my friend, please read the truth in my eyes and politely decline."
"I'm really a very pleasant person to be around,
unless I'm hungry, tired, hot, cold, thirsty, anxious, or dealing with idiots."