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Did you hear about Pillsbury Doughboy? He died of a yeast infection.
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You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.
(3)
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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the person who annoyed you.
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When your kids are teenagers it’s important to have a dog in the house so that someone is happy to see you.

Nora Ephron
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It’s useless to hold a person to anything if he is madly in love, drunk or running for office.

Shirley MacLaine
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Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde
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Don’t be so humble. You’re not that great.

Golda Meir
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams
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Whoever developed the high road and how high it should be should be fired.

Sandra Bullock
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Trying to decide if I should be a warning or an example to others today.
🙂
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Don't believe in yourself; believe in me who believes in you.
🙂
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Sounds like future me’s problem.
🙂
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So many bad choices.
So little time.
🙂
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I’m pretty good at bad decisions.
🙂
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A poor-taste joke that might amuse some of us:

An old-ish man tells his friend that last night God blessed him. God helped him deal with his poor eyesight by providing a light when he had to use the toilet. Friend tells wife. Wife says ‘Well that explains the state of the refrigerator this morning’.
(9)
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She’s always late.
Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
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Marriage means commitment.
Of course, so does insanity.
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Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want.
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I’m on a 30-day diet. So far I’ve lost 15 days.
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Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
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🌸🌸 If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
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BOJ, I thought I was wrong once, turns out I was mistaken. :-)
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Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
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I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
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They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
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I can handle pain until it hurts.
(1)
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Life is exactly like a game of chess.

(I don't know how to play chess.)
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"I don't want to brag, but I've been called 'a piece of work'. That's good, right?"
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My husband doesn't just talk to himself, he answers himself
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What doesn't kill you, gives you a really dark sense of humor
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