I hate who I've become due to looking after my father in law.

Oh I get it honey. I understand it all. I've been there. And on top of it all my husband was an alcoholic as well.
I too had started out well meaning etc. I actually gave up my home of 37 years and rented it out to my daughter, son-in-law and grand kids. (for practically nothing I might add) All of this was of course my husband's idea.
"Grandpa" started out all sweet and nice, glad to have the company and us on his leash. We moved into HIS home.
I began to feel out of place, alienated from family and friends, and a prisoner in somebody else's home.
"Grandpa" was totally oblivious to cleanliness in any form, never washed his hands even after the bathroom. He stunk to high heaven from the rear if you get my drift. He took a shower once a week. His bathroom habits were atrocious and I could go on and on. Oh and he never stopped talking, same thing over and over day after day till I could scream.
Finally one day after way too much of this crap it got real ugly. I started screaming at "Grandpa" he couldn't do anything right. I was at my wits end.
I finally went to a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist, ended up on anti-depressants, realized I was putting everyone ahead of myself. It was ruining my health, I kept gaining weight, and almost went bonkers!
I did leave. I had somewhere to go, so it was great. I have been at peace. My husband is totally confused as to why I haven't returned after 8 months. I guess he thought it was just a threat, that I was leaving. SURPRISE!!
I now have peace, I go back to visit "Grandpa" long enough to fill his medication containers and drop off food.
It's Heaven now. It was SO hard to do, just leave, but it was the best decision I've made for myself ever in my life.
Please don't torture yourself. You deserve a life too. This dude is not YOUR father. Hang in there take one step at a time and break free.
Maybe in time your husband will get the hint, you are not his father's slave, neither are you his.
HUGS,
Cara

Susan, I can't speak to what to do about your husband. I am blessed with a wonderful man who, even though is on disability himself for a bad heart, still made trip and trip to the store for me and scoured recipe sites trying to find something my mom would eat, since she had lost all appetite. Even so, her health was bad enough that she was in and out of the hospital, in a wheelchair, (why don't they put automatic door openers at doctor's offices?) and had dementia...in the end even needing a lift to get in and out of bed. Mom was always a caring, loving person, but the dementia, or dying of the brain, can cause some horrible behavior. She once spit at someone and more than once pushed her dinner plate off the table. Even with my husband's support and being able to hire some help, there was more than one occasion that I broke down and said what it seems every caregiver says at one time or another, " I just can't do this anymore!" Each time, I somehow managed to pull up some inner strength, and go on. I also had no offer of help from family members, most not even bothering to visit. Also something that is a common complaint on this site. But the one thing I can say, is that since my mom passed away last November 4th, I would give anything to have another day with her, I still cry for missing her every day, and I wouldn't give up the two years I took care of her. On her better days we would talk and so many old memories came back to her that I had never known. I am still dealing with the problems that are so typical for so many caregivers....my sister never visiting or helping, but now accusing me of stealing my mother's money. Still dealing with insurance companies and settling debt. Recently another family argument was the straw that broke the camel's back and I broke down so badly that they wanted to commit me. I guess all I have to offer is, that you are not alone, we all seem to have the same problems, it can be worth it if you can make it over the roller-coaster road that it is, and get yourself some help. Both before he dies, AND after. Remember,you don't have to be alone in this. Get some counseling before things get worse. And I will tell you what my mother used to tell me all the time, "Quit saying you're sorry." You are doing your best and you have NOTHING to apologize! Good luck to you! Love and Hugs!

Dear Susan 26, you are still that wonderful person. Your feelings echo mine. I cared for my husband with brain cancer/dementia for 8 years. I know I'm not the person I was and I miss her! I have been constantly reminded by my sons how much I've changed. I sheltered them from their father's illness and let them off the hook for any kind of care for him because I felt guilty that they had to have this hard situation in their lives growing up. Now, at their wise ages of 18 and 20, I'm just the mean mom who couldn't make their father happy enough to stay at home for the remainder of his days. After his 4th brain surgery and being on the highest dose of dementia medication they make he decided to stay in the same state his doctors are in and live with some estranged family members he hasn't been around in the 28 years we have been married. I had no choice but to file for divorce and now I'm REALLY on the kids bad side. The quiet house has been enjoyable. The selfish boys have broken my heart. The dementia and what it did to my husband broke that part of my heart a long time ago. The advice from distant family members or judgmental friends is so irritating. None of them have lived in a situation such as ours. My husband can change his personality for awhile when around other people, but it won't last forever. So, after all this time we now have to get divorced, I'll have to go bankrupt, and I'm not speaking to any of them. It has been a long, long, and hard journey that I don't know that I'll ever recover from. I'm glad your venting- you write better than I do and I'm thinking the same things you are. Good luck and get out and take a long long vacation if you can.

I took on my 93 year old Mom six months ago, moving her into my home, quitting my job to devote all my time to her for the rest of her years. The four years prior, I had her in Assisted Living where she was miserable and complained all the time about everything. Either she was calling me or the home was calling me everyday for something. My Dad passed away 5 and a half years ago and she has not been happy since. She had begun falling, forgetting, not able to care for herself so moving in with me seemed like the solution. At first, all was wonderful......then slowly it got old, she began complaining about everything. NOTHING I did was good enough. I did her nails, hair, toes, helped her shower, dressing, cooked all her favorite foods, you name it. All I heard was how miserable she was because she could not smoke in my house and she wished I had left her in her own house. It was beyond awful. I stayed a nervous wreck all the time. Finally, last week, out of nowhere, she pushed me over the edge and I snapped in half. I ended up in my bathroom floor curled up sobbing and incoherent. My husband found me, picked me up and put me in the bed clothes and all. My Mother sat smoking in her room, which is not allowed, just for spite. I asked my husband to call my sister and I told her to come get her - I was DONE. Could not do it anymore. DON'T let yourself get to this point. It can happen in a split second with little warning. You have to take care of yourself first or you are no good to anyone else. Hang in!!

Cara -I have wondered what happened to you. Glad you have found a solution that works for you. Well done!!!

Susan I have been wondering how you are doing in your very difficult situation. I agree that fil has to move out. Hope the paper work to get him the aid he needs so he can move out is coming together. Keep us updated!

(((((Hugs)))))

One of my co-workers told me about how years ago he broke up with a crazy live-in girlfriend.
On a 3"x5" card he wrote;
"I'm not happy. You're not happy. It's over."

Holding this in the palm of his hand he walked up to her, delivered his lines, and then repeated those, and nothing else to the ensuing tirade of profanity and physical abuse. She threw the furniture all over the apt & out the window, attacked him, and called the cops (accusing him of abuse, of course -- he is a big guy, she was small -- she figured she had him nailed).
The cops walked in, looked at the apt, looked at him ("She needs to go, or I can go -- I don't care which"), looked at her (still screaming abuse) and hauled her away.
OK, so that's the really long way of saying "This isn't working for you". It doesn't matter if the 3 of them are all happy, because you are not. So...on the 3"x5" card.....

"I am not happy. Things WILL NOT continue as they are.
He can leave, or I will leave---and I don't care which."

For what it is worth, at assisted living or a care facility your FIL may behave much better.Trained professionals are sometimes better equipped to deal with his types behaviors, in part because they don't take it personally. He would not be the first cantankerous old man they had dealt with.

So, in the light-hearted fantasy realm -- Are there any long-distance relatives who might suddenly "need" care for the next few weeks? Just saying that if hubby has to deal with his Dad alone for awhile it might help him decide which of you he'd rather live with for the next 10 years...meanwhile you and your great-aunt's niece twice-removed (aka your best friend from high school who lives 3 states away) could have a lovely time shopping, gardening, drinking tea and watching old comedies while she "recuperates" from her "emergency surgery". I'm not generally a promoter of inventing stories, but it IS fun to think about... .

Oh my goodness Horserider... what a fabulous idea!!! Yes, yes, yes!!! let hubby deal with taking care of his dad by himself for a few weeks. I predict it won't take more than two weeks for him to have daddy out of the house and into a care facility, or moved in to his brother's home. Let the brothers deal with daddy for a while and they'll be begging you to return. Just be sure you don't come back until you're sure FIL is gone and that they understand he can't come back.

Thumbs up to horserider's solution! Perfect! Give hubby a dose of your REAL world!

I like this idea.

A word of caution, lol. I do leave periodically , to take care of MY parents in another state. For about a week. When I come home things are dirty messy and in disarray and it takes me a week to clean up the mess. No one GETS it. My other half gets pretty upset when I say I am going as well, so I have a week of grumpy man, followed by a week of caretaking in another state, followed by a week of mess. Not very up lifting, though I do like the idea of tea and shopping!

It's kind of like what happens when you take a vacation from a demanding job; after you come back, you find so much work that you need to catch up on that you find yourself wondering whether it was worth going away. However, in the end, is IS worth going away, even when you know there will be a price to pay later.

Susan, you sound like a wonderful person who deserves to be loved not only for herself, but also for her noble values and generous heart.

The people most involved in your life -- at least as you've given us to understand -- do not seem to value you as you should be valued.

Do not let them, or anyone, undermine the way you value yourself. You ARE that kind and gentlewoman -- in the present tense, not in the past. You are still she. It's just that you've been subjected to psychological violence.

Be good to yourself, Susan. If you had a friend in this situation, you would tell him/her to step away; be that friend to yourself. Allow yourself to be restored.

Those of us familiar with psychological violence understand and support you.

"psychological violence" - wow - I have never heard that term before, but that probably describes how a LOT of caregivers are treated and feel subjected to.

After caring for my Dad for 7 years, I became this person too. It is very hard to care for your parents let alone an in law. Think things through and move on in life with or without your husband. After 7 years of caring for my Dad I posted something on here because I had to vent and a cousin saw it and passed it along to the rest of the family until holy hell was being raised for venting. But NO ONE understood what I was going through. Now I am the outcast and mean daughter. I gave up everything for my Dad to care for him and now I find myself disabled, cannot get food stamps or medicaid and struggling to live everyday. I wish I could find someone to help me but real medical care is out of the question bc I don't know the little tricks of the govt. If I had stayed employed part time, I would not be where I am today. I didn't think of myself or the future. Now i care for my mom and she cares for me. Caregiving is a thankless position and with very little or no help. Amazingly others who could had helped more actually think they were helping A LOT.

Im so glad I read your post, Im in a similar situation here with my Father, I gave up my home, my job, my freedom,my social life, everything to care for my Mother, who had cancer & my father who is blind, deaf, epileptic & has had 2 strokes, I have one brother who has sat back for 4 yrs & watched me do it without lifting a finger to help. Im exhausted mentally & physically, I used to have friends & a social life, all gone now & all for nothing. My Mother died in 2011, she had been my fathers carer for 20yrs & married to him for 53yrs & refused to see him on her death bed, thats how bitter & angry carers can turn out to be & now I feel the same way about my Father and my brother, who have the attitude that its a daughters place to do it & because my sons are adults ( I reared them on my own) and I don't have a partner then my life & my family are not as important as theirs, Im trapped,I want to go and I tried to last week but my Father wouldn't contact my brother to come and help so my sons went and stayed with him & so I had to go back because I wont allow my children to be used like Im being used. Im angry, bitter & have a constant pain in my chest, If I have a heart attack Ill either die or be hospitalised, carers who are so wonderful,who say its an honour etc etc,thank you for posting ,I hope everything works out for you ,go if you can,you only have one life,my mother taught me that in the end.xxxx

I meant to say if I have a heart attack Ill be free,one way or another,sorry for the confusing post,my brain has turned to porridge.

So sorry for you its not nice when noone appreciates you especially especially your husband.

Heres what id do and i think another person here did this LEAVE tell your husband that unless he grows up and starts to appreciate and care for YOU that you wont be back!

Go to to a hotel,friend or whoever but just get away then see what happens your husband will wake up and you can save your marraige OR you will have your answer.

How would he have felt if this was HIS MIL? Also try therapy "in sickness and in health" and you will get ill from this stress!

No way would i put up with this behaviour like your living in some "mens club" and your opinion dosnt count would i heck!

Iseult55... You need to put yourself first.. You said you tried to leave so I'm assuming you have a place to stay?

Do your sons live there too? I would call your adult protective services and tell them he lives alone and can't take care of himself..

Look on line for a caregiver support group in your area..

Hugs to you.. Keep searching on this site for support and comfort. Many of us here are burnt out also..

LEAVE...... Have your useless a** brother
Jump in.... Seriously .......