I hate who I've become due to looking after my father in law.

Get hospice in. That will solve a lot. Beyond that, tell the boys that you need a vacation and they can deal with each other. The end.

You do change. You develop a keen awareness of BS artists. Things you may have viewed as self-indulgences, like manicures or eating out, become precious to you. For the first time the charitable, kind persons asks, "What about me? Aren't I entitled to live my life? Susan, you have already struggled and answered these questions. Now take guilt-free steps towards wholeness. We fellow caregivers salute you! You've paid your dues and we will continue to pay ours until we recognize that we cannot any longer. With God's mercy, our freedom is not far behind.

It is the never ending ingratitude that floors me. From all parties involved! There are days my head could explode from it.

Susan26: "Nobody gets it"? Wrong. I totally get it!

On Aug 26 I was one person & on Aug 27th, I became another. Aug 26 I was someone who I rather liked & developed over many years...slowly learning to undo many "issues" from the childhood years. A hard one was to learn to not hide emotions & not to necessarily "keep peace at any or all costs". Aug 27 (when Mom arrived) I was taken back to many of my childhood issues.
Mom does not have dementia as of yet, but still gets upset with me if/when my voice gets a bit louder than normal. I'm not talking about a yelling/screaming match.. I'm talking of something as simple as the phone ringing when I'm in the middle of something & saying aloud to myself, "what now?" ..or as simple as forgetting to take to cookies out of the oven on time & they get a bit over-done & saying "Oh, shoot!" In fact, I am starting to hear my dad (who's been gone for 3 years), say "Dont talk to your mother like that!"
I dont resent Mom for the past... they did what they thought best at the time with what they had, & they too, are products of their upbringing.

In my first marriage I lived with mental abuse. Then I moved up: & I got both mental AND physical abuse. After leaving that, I had decided that I didnt care how or where I lived, or how poor I was, that I would never again ever live without peace in my home. My hubby now, of 7 years is a true joy to be around. Our home has been peaceful ...till Aug 27.
On the one hand, I want Mom to feel at home, but on the other hand I also want her to treat our home as if she were company. Does that make sense? On the one hand, I want her to help herself to the fridge when she's hungry (my company feels free to do that, too) but on the other hand, dont go rearranging stuff in my bathroom. (Yes, we have just one bathroom, which is a whole 'nuther story!)
Friends/Acquaintences love her to peices... she is really a lovely person, but these people have no idea what it is like to have a parent living with you. I no longer try to explain to those who have not themselves cared for a parent in their home.
Get it? Yes, I get it! Sometimes I cant believe how cathartic it is to read others' messages here & read about what they are going through & cry over these situations of people that you dont even personally know. Big hugs to all of you who are or have found themselves to be in similar situtaions! I read your posts & realize that I dont have it all that bad, after all.

Take care of YOU... no one else will. Your name is "wife", not "doormat". Your sign says "love me", not "abuse me". Resentful & exhausted? Yes. But powerless? Never....there are always options. Do some creative thinking & planning like others have suggested & take care of You!

Yes, We here, get it!

In answer to Susan 26....I am so on board with how you feel. Because I too am taking care of my MIL who has been in our home for two years. To begin with, I am 59 years old and four years ago lost my beautiful, amazing daughter to cancer. I cared for her with every cell of my being during her last year and a half of life. I had just barely recovered from grieving over this tremendous loss when things started to go wrong with my husband's mother's living situation. AT that time she had been living independently but could not longer function and moved in with her daughter, my SIL. She was 95 and had beginning stages of dementia that doctors say is of the alzheimers type. Otherwise she was and still is in excellent health but very frail, wobbly, drooly, hard of hearing, has hallucinations, paranoias and all that goes with dementia. Her entire life was about her and her appearance and even though she fights oral hygiene and showering she never, never forgets about hair, nails and lipstick. I guess some things the mind never forgets. So now we get to the facts. After moving in with us my SIL has literally forgotten all about her own mother and does not communicate in any way. WE rescued my MIL from her because she was emotionally and financially abusive to her. She lives 600 miles away so is not even close by to share in the care. I do all the diapers, feeding, brushing her teeth for her, washing her butt, showering her, rolling her hair,laundry, even have to put her hearing aids in for her, etc. etc. etc. Everyone else thinks she is the cute and sweet little old lady but I see her as a ball and chain and my life is now on hold until we come to some point in time when she is not able to get out of bed. That is where I will either leave or put her into a home myself. My husband gets annoyed by the inconvenience and her behaviors but can't face putting her in a home yet. I have to be honest and tell you that I am not the kindest person to my MIL. I do not let her tell me what she wants. I put her in her room instead of letting her sleep on my couch with her mouth open snoring all day. She has to go to bed when we do and she will eat what I put in front of her three times a day which is nutritious and tasty. Because of those things I am able to still at least feel like I am in charge and hope that because she is now 97 that this won't go on much longer. I also look at myself and wonder what happened? I even see in pics of me that I no longer smile and have a perpetual frown...why? I too was once a kind and happy person.

Susan, I hear and feel your pain. I too am taking care of an elderly parent, only she is my mother. She has been extremely mean to me and only me. I have just turned and walked away. I don't give it a second thought either.
Like you I went to a caregivers conference and also like you, the RN who was speaking was talking about MY LIFE! She had somehow miraculously gotten private personal details and was sharing them with the entire room. Of course it wasn't my life but I felt like it was.
I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I have been managing my home, the home she left, an assisted living apt. (which is now closed out), her healthcare, and... I started a brand new full time job - which was a well deserved promotion for me. Stressed... just a tad!
I ordered myself a DVD of Qigong ( pronounced Chi-gong) for relaxation. I also have a Tai Chi video which I am beginning. I NEED to relax as do you. Remember one thing, nobody is going to take care of you except for YOU! JUST DO IT! Make the time for yourself, you absolutely have to and let the men fend for themselves. If they can't then they need to grow up and start taking care of everything.
Just today my daughter started pounding me emotionally with e-mails pertaining to her son, my grandson, and I finally had to tell her to let it go, this is getting out of hand. Any more e-mails from her will just be deleted. I am a very caring person with an extremely soft heart, (which I hate having) but that is how God made me. Why, I have no idea but there is a purpose. I suppose I am the only one who utilizes that soft heart to really care about Mom, when everyone else gets really frustrated and angry.
In my exhaustion, I have made some really bad decisions... like not trusting my gut on things - to which I am usually right. I end up beating myself up over what comes out of those mistakes. Going through one right now. The one thing I know is life goes on, and I just have to get over it and roll with it. Not an easy thing to do either. It does take time.
Blessings to you, make the decision to take care of yourself... you are all you have! Take care of YOU!

make arrangements for a few hours of adult care(charge to bro-in-law). Pack your bag. Go for a nice vacation to where ever you would like. Recharge,rejuvinate and find that nice girl again.
When you return. Set down rules. If the men cannot abide by them,then yes,by all means,get your life back in order. Manipulation is a weapon that is used against caregivers to bend their will. It is subtle.
It does not make you a bad person to think of yourself. And it doesn't really matter what strangers think. Let them have a go at it and see how they fare.
Best of luck to you.
Moonshadowgal

Regardless of whether or not your FIL's behavior/attitude is due to dementia, it sounds like you husband and BIL have a long standing challenge with being "adults" around their father. You can't change them, and if they're not willing to make some changes, it will be up to you to decide what you need to do to take care of YOU! It may feel "selfish", but if you step back and look at the situation, they are wanting YOU to "change" to accommodate caregiving your FIL.

Golly...so many people people with similar experiences!
This is a wonderful site for teaching those that don't have caregiving responsibilities what it is really like for those who do give so much.
You guys are fantastic! Thank you for your service.

Like someone said, make an appointment with a divorce attorney. That may wake 'em up about how serious the situation is. My sis used this tactic once, and it worked - no divorce occurred. She now has a passable marriage. It took going to the attorney to wake up Mr. Clueless. He didn't understand the problem until she formalized it. It might work for you.

Susan-there are days I have to take several deeps breaths and tell myself to snap out of it just because I want my house to myself. I want to sing at the top of my lungs, crank music, bang on my piano, talk about risky stuff on the phone with my best friend on a Saturday morning over coffee.....but I can't---because my mom lives with me and near my everyday motions and she goes to bed early, sleeps late, anything I do seems to be her business despite her not meaning it to become that but is has and I don't want to say mind your own business. The worst thing I said to her one day is Mom you have to remember for 20 years while I raised 3 kids alone you lived in Florida--I am not used to having someone here all the time, in my kitchen, in my garden--then I feel so guilty because all she wants to do is help and I know that is good for her.
I FEEL SO FOR YOU as you can see I am not anywhere near what you are going thru but can relate just based on wanting my privacy with myself, my husband, my kids and I was once married to an indifferent then abusive man. I have all brothers and I know how men can be in this situation--ABSENT--but that does not mean you should put up with this to the point you are near a breakdown. Take a break-you will be surprised how the will step up if they have to. Hugs and support.

You have received invaluable support and advice in this thread.

Your current situation, and lack of family support, raises the more important question of your husband: If and when YOU need care, will he be there for YOU?
He needs to prove that he values and cherishes you in this current situation - otherwise, you may need to start thinking about how you will care for your own self.
Hugs, and Wishing you the best in taking back your life!

i am overwhelmed with all your replies and love and support. i know you are all going through the same or even worse, i know my situation is not unique. this morning i was thinking, i want to be able to walk around the house in skimpy clothes again, or put on loud music and pretend i'm tina turner, or just sit at my own kitchen table for coffee alone again. to not have my cupboards rearranged, or him lying all over the couch, or gagging at the dinner table or the biscuits to last for longer than a day. to not have to shout all the time because he won't wear a hearing aid. to sit with my kids when they come home from school. to not have another godamm sundowners episode. to not be the one who gets his anger and long face all day long. to not have him sit there when a friend comes to see me. i know it sounds so horrid, but it wears me down, day after day after day. as one person says, it is the unrelenting ingratitude of it all that gets me. its a mine field this, and not an easy one. i have contacted a womans advice centre and am seeing them next week, to find out what my options are. they told me to stay put til then which i am doing. my hubby and i spoke (again). he doesn't want me to go, says he loves me, and wants to know what i need from him to make it possible til we can get the old man into a home. i said i would write him a list .... any suggestions?

our situation is compounded that fil has no medical aid, and at 90, it is becoming very difficult to arrange anything. we are currently working with a lawyer to get him a state medical aid. assisted living will not take him until he has medical aid so that is the huge stumbling block to getting him out of our home.

thank you all for caring so much to support this lonely woman in germany. saying aprayer for all of us tonight.

ps, one good thing ... my german is improving enough that i could listen to the whole presentation last night and understand most of it .... and i even could ask a question and got all the words out sort of right. thats a good thing and i am holding onto good things right now.

Try to hang on until the medical aid is straightened out so that you can get him placed in a residential setting. Do whatever you can to get that expedited because, while I agree with everything everyone has said about the need for his family to step up and do more, the probability of that happening isn't likely to be high. You have every right to feel the way you do - and you are not being melodramatic - he needs to LEAVE!

Listen up Everyone !!! Ferris1 has good ideas. She has helped me find "Me" again,
in amongst the ruins of Chaos dealing with my outrageous demanding, selfish parents.

Through out all of the comments I never saw the ever wondering questions. What is daddy in law worth? What do the "boys" expect to get as inheritance when he goes? There seems to be a lot of indifference and subtle procrastination on their part going on waiting for the inevitable. Looks like what their priority is, is obvious, and you are not it. Take a leave for a while and let them stew. If they do not realize what the problem is and come to a compromise, you know what you have to do for you own peace of mind.

I went through the same thing with my mother who suffered from alzheimers. I used to say - "I used to be fun, and smiling and nice" - and then moving in to care for my mother - I wasn't fun anymore .... and that really bothered me. So what I did was put myself into the equation - it is essential. I took a night and a day to myself - and I got out and even if it was just a sleepover somewhere else, or shopping and lunch with a friend - it gave me a break - and offered me the opportunity of coming back to mom with more patience, a fun story to tell - being more lighthearted. Long story short - put yourself into the equation and arrange to have some time away - some 'you' time. You must. Warm and supportive thoughts to you.

I, too, can relate to how Susan feels about herself and her situation. I hate who I have become and I have who my husband has become. I know it's the disease/dementia, but I still hate it. In just a few short months, I have lost all interest in everything. I would rather sit in front of the TV all day than do anything. I know I am severely depressed, and the doctor has offered meds, but I've been down that road before, and all that happened is that I needed more and more drugs to feel normal. I slowly/carefully weaned myself of them over a 2-yr period, and I am not about to go down that road again. She has also suggested counseling, but I can't afford it. So I vent here and to a few select friends because I can't share my feelings with my daughter who is my only family. My husband's sons won't return calls and don't call their father. One hasn't spoken to him in about 5 or 6 yrs because he has a chip on his shoulder the size of a sequoia and thinks everyone owes him everything. I'd love to leave, but who would care for my husband? I'm almost to the point that I don't care. He can fend for himself until something happens, but I'm not that evil...at least not yet. I just feel that if something doesn't change soon, I am going to explode! It's a sad, terrible life.

wow i am soo sorry for this. i truly understand. i am taking care of my mother in law who this time out of the hosptial was said to have bipolar with bouths of schizophrenia , and major depression , and now early onset of altzhimers, and dementia . i was like holy crap on a cracker can we add anything else. she has been in and out of hosptials for the last 3 years and sister in law had her last year . So this time it was our turn to go get her. his brother cant handle seeing his mom like that so of course he does nothing. i have spent about all our savings on lawyers and crap. we are currently in the process of trying to get her to give my husband guardianship. If not for anything but to get her on our military insurance. she has medicare and no drug covereage because she was in the psych hospital last year during enroll ment and they wouldnt let her sign up . So i spend my days catering to her needs being her shoulffer , and waiting on her hand and foot , spend hours on end on the computer just looking for ways to help pay for her medications. last one was 1465.99 for 30 day supply !!! i am so tired , OH and i must add that just last month my last child moved back out on her own and now all three kids are out , i am done raising kids and grand kids , didnt even get a break and now i am rasing a 67 year old ! i like you get no respect because its his mother. so i know just where you are coming from. If you want to save your marriage do like i just did. get a copy of a divorce decree at your local office max and some brocures from your local nursing homes or assisted living homes and leave them on the table when hubby asks tell him you have a choice to make and if i were you choose carefully ! if he chooses his father over you . CLEAN HIM OUT. make him sell the house and split the profit with you . see how he likes living in an apartment having to take care of his dad by himself. Trust me YOU are the only one who is going to take care of YOU good luck. hope it works out for you.

Susan26.............1st, I don't believe for a moment that you're no longer the nice, kind, caring, compassionate person. Because of what these 3 men in your life have put you through, you may have lost your self worth or self esteem. All that can be restored though. It DOES sound like you've reached your limit and that's a good thing! Now you need to make some serious and final decisions for yourself, which only you can do. Most likely whatever you decide to do, is not going to be easy, emotionally, but it's GOT to be better than staying where you are. You've certainly received many many supportive "posts"! Start thinking of Susan!! Set your goal and DO it! A goal without a plan, is merely a wish! Good luck!

I am blown away by the wisdom, compassion and love for one another in this forum! Susan, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!. I admire your clarity of thought in listing out the little pleasures you'd like to have back. I have a similar list! There is such a thing as getting stuck in in the mud of petty resentments - and I have wallowed in that pit from time to time. What I have come to realize, however, that wanting to have basic respect, gratitude, recognition and courtesy IS NOT PETTY. That is the lie of the abusive situation, the trick that pulls you into thinking that YOU are the problem.

I'm thinking that CPEGASO94 may be on to something with the passivity of the sons in dealing with their dad's crap. The holds are not always directly economic. In our case, my MIL still wields control over some family business/heritage (it's complicated) matters that make standing up to her more difficult than it ought to be. I should have seen the handwriting on the wall decades ago as I watched all of the family tolerate her tirades that hung just this side of verbal abuse and her chronic alcoholism. Granted, I'm not sure that even now I can think of an action plan that would have been better. What I know now about my husband's family (and what I suspect may be operating in Susan26's) is that we are dealing with some level of a narcissistic personality. The web of control such a personality weaves keeps everyone in range of it off balance and constantly self guessing. Narcissists do not change; they become more so. Know this, and shield yourself!

Stay in touch and do vent here when you need to do so. We ALL understand!

Yes, sometimes your not given any other choice but to walk away. Your hands are tied. It becomes survival of the fittest. Your survival. Take a deep breath and do whats best for you. I was told by my relatives to not let it ruin my marriage. Good advice early on. I think my marriage is saved. I'm behind my husband and how he is feeling about our whole situation. I won't let my dad ruin my marriage! My husband is the most caring, hard working person you could ever meet. Has more patiance than me. And for him to throw up his arms you know the situation really has to be bad.

I do understand your anger and frustration, and I know that a manipulative brother-in-law and spineless husband can make anyone question their own importance and existance in this world. I have no words of wisdom as I sit here typing this comment, except to say that despite these flawed men, at least you have their presence. I am alone, with no one to even turn to in anger. Does this ever end?

Eileen, you make a GREAT point. Our families are supremely challenging and also... we are fortunate to have them and the challenges that come. We have to keep remembering what a blessing these challenges are...

I live with a man who lost his mom when he was 9 years old. He reminded me every day how lucky I was to have a demanding mom when I was 59!

We have to keep perspective in all things....

Thank you for reminding us all of the gifts we have.

My brother always says, when faced with a fork in the road, always take the more challenging path. Let's all live our lives "fully"... and always take the more challenging path!

I'm sorry but the natural order of things is that children take care of their elderly parents, not the child-in-law. No obligation. I don't expect my spouse to care for my father, and I've made it clear that I will help as I can with the MIL, but in no way will I be a primary caregiver. Not going to happen. I have my hands full with my dad.

I disagree, Blueridge. When you marry someone you marry their family as well. That's not to say that you are "obligated" to help your mother or father-in-law because you married their son, but you can't just say "sorry - not my problem" and walk away either. The entire family is affected when an elderly parent requires care - not just the child of that parent.

Susan, you are not alone. I feel I have totally 'lost' myself since I've had mom in my home since 2008. I've actually been taking care of her since 1982 but she's had her own home on my property. When my husband passed away in 2008, before I knew it she'd 'moved into' my guest room. Since then I have had NO life of my own. I watch with envy (and a little resentment) as my only sibling, my sister, drives off with her husband on care-free trips. Some people seem to be cut out to be care-givers but I am not one of them. I could deal with it IF I could manage to do a 'few' things I'd like to do. That doesn't happen.

Sometimes I feel like loading up my car in the middle of the night and running away. Then someone else would have to step in for a change. I spend my time listening to my Mom talk, talk, talk. I've heard the stories 1001 times.

Don't feel guilty. The biggest guilt I have is not spending more time with my husband (I still worked) before he passed. I miss him so much and realize what a saint he was to put up with my Mom and her bossy, dominating ways .... all those many years.

I understand the desire to pick up and run away. But there is no-one else to take care of my husband except me and I wouldn't ever want to put that responsibility on our two adult children, aged 32 and 26. I hope they don't have to become responsible for me at a later point in my life. I have already told them to please put me in a nursing home if I require full time care in the future because I don't ever want them to ever have to feel the way I am feeling these days.

balex, my children have 'strict' orders to NEVER take me into their homes. I am making sure they don't have to do that - in writing and financially. I would never want them to have to give up their lives. Never!

Susan26, I totally agree with terrim. Lay down the law to hubby, FIL and BIL NOW! You are not the one that will be leaving the home. Talk to an attorney now about what steps you can take to start the process of getting hubs and FIL out of your house. It may only take the first step and having it come from your attorney to wake hubs up. He needs to see that his dad can't stay in your home... and BIL needs to lend some help in dealing with their dad too.
I do not like the person I have become in the past few months since my mom has developed signs of dementia. I have had my mother living with me for the last 28 years (she's now 96 years old.) She has shown signs of dementia the past few months, has begun swearing and is recently combative. I got her to sign a POA about two months ago when she was still lucid. Her behavior during the night is upsetting as she gets up, takes a shower and washes her hair at 4:00 am. Or she will get up at 3:00 am and take the bottom sheet off her bed, remake her bed and come out dressed and begin fixing her breakfast. Or she may just get up at 2:00 am, get dressed and start fixing her breakfast... and may do it again at 5:00 am. I am divorced and both my siblings passed away several years ago, so I am her only caregiver.... and always have been as neither my brother or sister ever helped me care for mom. I have trouble sleeping so these night-time activities are making me walk around sleep-deprived during the day . She is unsteady on her feet and refuses to use a walker (says she only needs a cane,) so I'm afraid to leave her alone to even do grocery shopping, banking, etc.
She still handled her own checking account until recently. I found that she had written a check where she wrote the date, but then crossed out the year, wrote the figure for $140, then wrote over that number and made it $290 (but she signed her full name under the new figure,) then on the line where you spell out the amount, she wrote "Five Hundred and Ninety Dollars.
I finally told her she has to go into an assisted living because I can't deal with this any longer. I'm 71 and it is taking a toll on my health. She swears and screams at me and says, "Now that you have that POA and have taken all my money, you just want to kick me out!" I showed her her checkbook and that her money is still there, but she doesn't believe me.
My doctor loaned me a book last week called "The 36-Hour Day." It gives caregivers guidance when they have to make difficult decisions. Also explains why you shouldn't feel guilty when you need to make tough decisions. It's a guide to caring for persons with Dementia, Alzheimer's, and memory loss in later life.
I wish you only the best Susan in dealing with your problems. You need to do what is best for you... no one else in your house seems to care about YOU! My prayers are with you my dear!