I hate who I've become due to looking after my father in law.

I have been thru what almost everyone on this site has but my journey ended on mar.16th when my husband of 57yrs died. I still read this site ad pray for everyone just keep in mind that it will end and hopefully you can find peace.

We live in Mom's house. But Mom thinks she still runs everything. We use her small pension to pay the house bills, but Mom still thinks she buys everything. She doesn't. Her money doesn't go where as far as she imagines. Everything is so much more expensive then before her memory started to fail.

I too am a angry, short tempered caregiver. But I've learned it's my situation, not me. My Mom is 91. Every day is the same thing...repeating the answers to questions over and over. We go in circles. She can be snotty. And I can feel like I have no power, no control. But I get control in tiny ways...like using her favorite cookies as a bribe. It's exhausting. My priest is in the same boat, and he's been a great source of understanding and so are my friends and even our neighbors. You wouldn't believe how many of us are in the same boat. Folks in line at the pharmacy have the same problem. Come chat here....we know exactly what you're going through!

Susan26, you have the same feelings as probably everyone on this blog and caregivers everywhere. It's unfortunate your husband has dumped this on you, but it's his responsibility. This is why my spouse and I have refused to accept either surviving parent in our home. (we have one remaining for each of us) At some point it feels like a fight to the death - yours or his. You're obviously a caring person that has been put in an untenable position. You might need to take drastic action. It sounds justified. Sorry..

Susan you are still that kind loving person you always were. In your profile you state that you moved country to Germany, I can relate I did a major move from USA to Ireland to care for my mom. I have no transportation, know no one, least I they speak english, but in rural areas, you can't understand them at all. It is very lonely and I can appreciate how crazy you feel. The good news is you can get out, I can't. You found a group, that is great. You can develop some support. You need to get your sea legs before you make any major decisions, like leaving Germany and coming back by yourself. I guess I would sit down with my husband, and not get up until he understands what is going on with you. If you can't reach an understanding, well, it doesn't bode too well for that relationship. First things first, stabilize yourself, make a plan then do it. You have support now, use it to help yourself make plans, moving back has a lot entailed in it, an end of a relationship, where do you live when you get back, where do you work, etc. You can do it, as always, pull that oxygen mask down and put it on, until you can see yourself clearly you will not have a clue what to do.

Kick there ASSES to the curb. No one should have to put up with that crap. My heart goes out to you. I'd be putting my foot where the sun doesn't shine. Your husband needs a reality check and brother-in-law also. Let them take over caring for the old man. It's your INDEPENDENCE DAY girl. I hate how my parents are selfish, manipulative and narcissistic. I'd find my own place and divorce the husband and live alone. You only have one chance at life. Best of Luck to you......
Anksana-Moon

Susan, you still are a kind, caring and compassionate person. That's why you've stuck with your husband and his mean old dad for so long. But it's time to be kind, caring and compassionate to yourself. You have done nothing wrong! You have worked hard to take care of this person without any kind of moral or physical support from anyone.
Is there a way you can exit the scene temporarily, to give everyone a reality check? Go visit a kind, understanding friend or relative for a week. Give the men a phone number to call for in-home help. They can arrange to have someone do, for many $$, what you have been doing for free all this time.

Smile, say bye-bye for now, and go away. Do NOT feel guilty. You are NOT out to hurt anyone, but to heal the hurt that is eating away inside of you.

And talk to a counselor. There is a free hotline you can call with the Alzheimer's Association, available 24/7. It doesn't matter if FIL has been diagnosed with dementia or not, YOU are in need of support. It's out there and you deserve every bit of it.

Please let us know how you are doing. You are not alone, and bravo to you for posting this discussion...that is a wonderful first step towards regaining your health and your self-respect.

Susan26, you are not mean, crazy, uncaring, or psycho. You are overwhelmed. It also sounds as though you are victimized by your husband and his brother. Even if your father-in-laws demands come from dementia, your husband should be doing more to shield you from it than simply telling you to deal with it.

You have nothing to apologize for, rather you are the one owed an apology. Consider, did your husband ask you to stay, apologize for not providing you with the help and support you need, and promise to be more supportive in the future? Did he ask you to stay because you are the focus of his life and he can't imagine life without you or because it would be difficult and expensive to replace you with a paid caregiver for his father?

You deserve to be treated better than you have been. Please consider your wellbeing first.

Oh do I know what you mean.

Susan26, I feel for you! One thing I learned, and I hope this helps as you make your decisions is that when we look at a life change, it's easy to see what we are giving up (our marriage, our home, etc) but much more difficult to see what we will be gaining.... freedom, less stress, finding ourselves, maybe other aspects of a better life. It's hard to look at something in the future when we don't know what it will be. Courage and strength to you to do what is best for YOU.

God no! Walk girl, let the buggers get on with it and see what fun it is, you clearly are at wit's end.
You are right and honest, we are all different, some have natures who are carers and some are not. You are born with a lot of that characterisations....
Men want the easy road, it is always that way, don't rock the boat, put your head in the sand. Well let them!
Get a nice little live in job somewhere, give them your tel no only, and not your address, there's always work in the summer, and kick off your shoes and smell many roses.
I cannot tell you what our family members have done to us. We cared for Mum and Dad from 1977 to 2007 and then, when she was on last legs and had cancer and dementia they not only made her change her will, but had her sign the most awful statement, full of lies but she was away with it. Poor poor soul.....

I honestly do not see how you are still standing susan26. I truly admire you. Personally, I couldn't put up with your husband or your FIL. One of the saddest days of my life was when it finally hit me that my husband (now ex) would never consider me #1 in his life. Heck, I don't think I even got on the Top 10 Hit List. Our marriage counselor said this marriage would never survive if he didnt put me as number one. A spouse has to know they're important just for being the spouse. When you feel and know your worth, you can handle the things that come along.
I don't see why your husband insists that you apologize. You aren't the wrongdoer in this scenario. Your husband has shown you where you belong on his Top 10 list and it isn't #1. That is truly sad for you. If you want your marriage to work, I sincerely hope it does. But unless your husband recognizes that his priorities are askew, you will never be 1. You will be settling. I decided life was too short to settle for anything less.

Susan I am crying after reading your story. This is your father in law and you don't have to put up with the abuse from his family..... please respect yourself because you are worthy of respect, love and hope. I love my mom, I am here for her through thick or thin with all her faults, but I have told my siblings think of me as not being here, take over and take care of Mom. Of course they know I am here so keep up the bs, but at least I don't have to listen to them now. I was feeling so down being accused and abused from them I had to take this measure I AM DONE.

Susan, if you enjoyed that talk on dementia because you found that You Were and Are Validated for how you feel, etc... I think you might want to look at the videos of Teepa Snow. You can find it on YouTube. Her teachings are funny but Very Informative on how the dementia's think and how we can react to them. I'm still doing several no-nos. It's hard to undo our ingrained personality. It doesn't help that father and I have always conflicted and end up with our famous yelling matches. If I just take to heart her videos, I would dramatically reduce my stress with father. Sigh....Please give it a try and tell me what you think. Take care!

Did your husband apologize to you?
Did your husband say that he will try to see Your Side and be willing to be united with you when his father is "at the wrong."
To me, it does not matter if his father has dementia or not. If he has dementia, will your husband really put his foot down or keep letting him slide because "he's sick." ?
Otherwise, you will be back to square one. You need support. Is your husband willing to help you out?
Plus, I don't see why you have to apologize to fil. If you were playing a practical joke, yes. But you were serious and they need to realize this. Otherwise, they will walk all over you again, and again...
Yes...one step at a time...

last night i went to a talk on dementia. i sat in the back row with silent tears rolling down my face as the woman described my life as if she were there. finally here was someone saying i was not mean or psychotic or horrible ... that the fall to person for dementia is the lonliest person on the planet because everyone else sees the sweet old man who is a little bit confused at times and how can you be so horrible as to not understand? she described the switch in personalities, the meaness and maniplation, the charm ... and i cried with relief. there is a support group here for us 'non' caregivers of dementia parents; she also said that families deny there is any caregiving required so why are you getting burnt out, for heavens sake?!
my husband has asked me to stay ... and apologise to fil for having a melt down and tellinghim i was going,as now he feels its all his fault and thats not fair. i have refused to apologise until i know that this is dementia for sure, and not the mean manipulations of an angry old man.... and until there is a doctors verdict then hubby won't raise the dementia issue with him. and so we go, round and round in circles. now on anti depressants, and looking for work. first step first. thank you for your support everyone. thank you for understanding.

If you still love your husband you may want to try to work things out, but if your feelings for him are not there anymore, you may want to leave. Sometimes, people do indeed reach the breaking point and it is time to leave. I have reached a breaking point with my sister, as she has left the total responsibility on my shoulders for the caregiving of our parents. You are a great lady, and once this mess is solved you will be back to your normal self again. The body has a way of healing itself, and try to take a day at a time.

Susan, I finally found the "in between" news. I was really really hoping your husband would step up and be with you as a united front when it came to his father. After reading your above comments, it seems that father still rules the roost - on both sons' lives. I believe, here on our island, we call it "momma's boy" when a son would do everything and anything for is mother First in All Things - First before wife and his childre, and himself. I think your husband and BIL are "daddy's boys". Some grow out of it, Most do not. Depending on the person (wife), how willing she is to accept this in their marriage/relationship. My sister stayed in such a relationship for years. She found all kinds of reasons to stay in the relationship - even when he was both verbally, mentally and physically abusive to her, her money was his but his money was his, because....She was sooo in love with him. I'm glad that she finally woke up and smell the roses. She broke up despite having 2 daughters with him. She found a very nice and caring man - definitely not mama or daddy's boy. He really does put his family first.....

I know that I'm rambling but I just wanted yo to know that I understand your need (before) to stay and try to work out your marriage. But I just wanted you to know that I don't care for how you're being treated by all 3 men. People (family members) just don't seem to Understand what we caregivers do for them and the dementia person. They think it's our Duty and Obligation to do it - no matter what! I had reached the same point as you have - last year June. Something got to give. I decided I would (except I was thinking the more permanent kind, the most final thing anyone can do with their life.)

Susan, only you can determine where to draw the line with your husband and marriage. Yes, you may have put so much years and effort into it. But, having fil move in, and seeing the true personality of your husband is an eye opener. With the way you described how you have changed - Sometimes, in life, you just have to walk away. I'm soooo sorry. Do what you have to do. I will be thinking of you.

You can vent all you need to here. It is okay to do that. That's why we're all here. I think that the problem is that your husband needs to grow a pair and put an end to his father calling the shots and the brother too. This is your home and his. This is what I suggest. Sit down with your husband, father, and brother-in-law (if the latter can come). Tell them all that if this does not change, you are going to file for divorce and ask for the house and that Hubs and his dad are going to be evicted and can go on their merry way and go live with the brother in law. Even if that is not what you want or plan, you need to shock their eyes open. You don't have to leave. You can make them leave. I think maybe the brother in law needs a turn with Dad. Tell your husband that the only way you intend to let him stay there and not divorce him is if he ships dad off to his brother or to assisted living. His choice. Give a definite deadline. No extensions. Even if you file for divorce, you can still change your mind before the final signing and this can jolt your husband into fixing this problem. I wish you the best.

sorry everyone. hugely melodramatic, so sorry to vent like that. not really a question, more like a final line in the sand. have a good day, xx