I hate who I've become due to looking after my father in law.

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I used to be a nice, kind, caring, compassionate person. The one thing people always said about me is that I was kind. Now I am angry, resentful, exhausted, trapped with no way out, and feel completely powerless in this situation with an old man who calls all the shots, an absent brother in law who runs my house through his father, and my husband who keeps promising the earth but when it comes down to it only ever does what makes his dad happy. The only way to save myself from becoming completley embittered and horrid is to get out and I am so angry that I have to give up my home, my life, my marriage because of this man and nobody, nobody gets it.
I can't do this caregiving thing. I take my hats off to those of you who do, and I have enormous respect for you, but I can't do this manipulation and meanness any longer. It is not right, its not natural, and I am heart broken that I am the bad, disgusting, awful person when these three men have just taken every good thing that I offered and twisted my life into this unrecognizable shape.
I used to be a nice person. Maybe one day I will find her again, but I am really becoming scared of who I will become if I stay here.
I know its burn out. You know its burn out. The people here? Just shut up and get on with it, and then life can be happy again. The only problem in life is YOU. Ah man. How did it get to be that such a compassionate act sincerely meant ended up this way and got me into this mess?

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LEAVE...... Have your useless a** brother
Jump in.... Seriously .......
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Iseult55... You need to put yourself first.. You said you tried to leave so I'm assuming you have a place to stay?

Do your sons live there too? I would call your adult protective services and tell them he lives alone and can't take care of himself..

Look on line for a caregiver support group in your area..

Hugs to you.. Keep searching on this site for support and comfort. Many of us here are burnt out also..
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So sorry for you its not nice when noone appreciates you especially especially your husband.

Heres what id do and i think another person here did this LEAVE tell your husband that unless he grows up and starts to appreciate and care for YOU that you wont be back!

Go to to a hotel,friend or whoever but just get away then see what happens your husband will wake up and you can save your marraige OR you will have your answer.

How would he have felt if this was HIS MIL? Also try therapy "in sickness and in health" and you will get ill from this stress!

No way would i put up with this behaviour like your living in some "mens club" and your opinion dosnt count would i heck!
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I meant to say if I have a heart attack Ill be free,one way or another,sorry for the confusing post,my brain has turned to porridge.
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Im so glad I read your post, Im in a similar situation here with my Father, I gave up my home, my job, my freedom,my social life, everything to care for my Mother, who had cancer & my father who is blind, deaf, epileptic & has had 2 strokes, I have one brother who has sat back for 4 yrs & watched me do it without lifting a finger to help. Im exhausted mentally & physically, I used to have friends & a social life, all gone now & all for nothing. My Mother died in 2011, she had been my fathers carer for 20yrs & married to him for 53yrs & refused to see him on her death bed, thats how bitter & angry carers can turn out to be & now I feel the same way about my Father and my brother, who have the attitude that its a daughters place to do it & because my sons are adults ( I reared them on my own) and I don't have a partner then my life & my family are not as important as theirs, Im trapped,I want to go and I tried to last week but my Father wouldn't contact my brother to come and help so my sons went and stayed with him & so I had to go back because I wont allow my children to be used like Im being used. Im angry, bitter & have a constant pain in my chest, If I have a heart attack Ill either die or be hospitalised, carers who are so wonderful,who say its an honour etc etc,thank you for posting ,I hope everything works out for you ,go if you can,you only have one life,my mother taught me that in the end.xxxx
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After caring for my Dad for 7 years, I became this person too. It is very hard to care for your parents let alone an in law. Think things through and move on in life with or without your husband. After 7 years of caring for my Dad I posted something on here because I had to vent and a cousin saw it and passed it along to the rest of the family until holy hell was being raised for venting. But NO ONE understood what I was going through. Now I am the outcast and mean daughter. I gave up everything for my Dad to care for him and now I find myself disabled, cannot get food stamps or medicaid and struggling to live everyday. I wish I could find someone to help me but real medical care is out of the question bc I don't know the little tricks of the govt. If I had stayed employed part time, I would not be where I am today. I didn't think of myself or the future. Now i care for my mom and she cares for me. Caregiving is a thankless position and with very little or no help. Amazingly others who could had helped more actually think they were helping A LOT.
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"psychological violence" - wow - I have never heard that term before, but that probably describes how a LOT of caregivers are treated and feel subjected to.
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Susan, you sound like a wonderful person who deserves to be loved not only for herself, but also for her noble values and generous heart.

The people most involved in your life -- at least as you've given us to understand -- do not seem to value you as you should be valued.

Do not let them, or anyone, undermine the way you value yourself. You ARE that kind and gentlewoman -- in the present tense, not in the past. You are still she. It's just that you've been subjected to psychological violence.

Be good to yourself, Susan. If you had a friend in this situation, you would tell him/her to step away; be that friend to yourself. Allow yourself to be restored.

Those of us familiar with psychological violence understand and support you.
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It's kind of like what happens when you take a vacation from a demanding job; after you come back, you find so much work that you need to catch up on that you find yourself wondering whether it was worth going away. However, in the end, is IS worth going away, even when you know there will be a price to pay later.
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A word of caution, lol. I do leave periodically , to take care of MY parents in another state. For about a week. When I come home things are dirty messy and in disarray and it takes me a week to clean up the mess. No one GETS it. My other half gets pretty upset when I say I am going as well, so I have a week of grumpy man, followed by a week of caretaking in another state, followed by a week of mess. Not very up lifting, though I do like the idea of tea and shopping!
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