Today has been the absolute worst day. It is the only day that I have really felt up against it. I just put mom to bed, but there is no assurance she will stay there.
I hate the sound of her voice today, I hate the way she stammers and the gait in her walk. I hate that she has no clue really who I am, but yet remembers she has children and their names. I hate how she talked about each one of us today not even realizing that I am her oldest daughter. I stopped reminding her of that two weeks ago. For a very long time I could bring her back. Two weeks ago when I said "I am your daughter Sharon", and she responded "No your not", I knew that bringing her around was gone and so I no longer argue the point, I just go with the flow. I hate the fact that she states all day long that none of her children come around, even while I stay with her 24/7 in her home, and the other siblings stop in everyday. I hated today that she ate continually because she could not remember eating. I hate that the "we will eat soon" did not work today and she went through the fridge and cabinets on her own (which is new) and ate so many meals today I have lost count. I hate that she sees things that are not there and it scares her. I hate that the meds do not work. I hate to see the fear in her eyes of people and animals that are not there.....I hate that she has to live like that. I hate that she forgets she needs the walker, and is disturbed beyond belief when I bring her the walker. I hate how she hates the fact that I must be there at her side all day long. I hate that none of our regular activities worked today. I hate how she threw the puzzles across the room, broke a glass, swears like nobody I have ever met, who never uttered a cuss word in my 50 years of life prior to this hateful disease. I hated when I called the dr today and he recommended a nursing home. She does not yet need a nursing home, it was just a bad day. WHY is there not a good mediation to combat hallucinations? If there is, why has he not recommended it? I hate Alzheimer's with every fiber of my being. I hate that she is no longer the mother I knew, and I feel bad today for hating the fact she is still her suffering with this.
Thank you for listening, it has been a rough day. We are more fortunate than most, as my mom was diagnosed in 2004 and lived a happy life in her own home with limited daily assistance for many years. Her disease progressed very slowly, to the point we thought the diagnosis was incorrect. This past August she began the progression and it has been a horrible few months. I moved in her home because she is much more comfortable in hers, it works better and my children are grown. The problem is that my husband is staying in our home because him staying the night brings on more hallucinations and extreme anxiety, so her and I at night works well. I did tell my sister tonight that today was a bad day and she will be her for the weekend. I love my mom, and I will keep her with me until I can no longer handle her. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
Thank you for letting me vent.