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My sincerest thank you for all of you Dear Ladies who wrote to me above. Yes, emjo, after 3 months the pain, regret, guilt, sadness has gotten worse. Jeannegibbs, what you wrote is amazingly comforting, and all you dear ladies for what you wrote to me. The comfort that I feel even now, after 3 months, I read again and again what u all wrote still gives me the greatest of comfort. I haven't been to this site in 3 months! I am not God and am not in charge of Mom's passing or living.
The pain comes in waves. Some days are ok and some days unbearable. The pain is always there at the surface, it just depends on the degree. There is so much work to do around this house to get it ready for the realtors and appraisers for the sale. Its excruciatingly difficult boxing, donating, wrapping, throwing out of Mom and Dad's things it hurts like crazy. Sis is coming over this weekend to help me put away some of the photos of Mom and Dad and some of their things so that I do not have to turn my head at every which way to see them. That's when my mind loses control and the should of's, could of's, would of's come racking me with guilt and regret. I know what I feel is normal and the details of it all cannot be explained to another human being, I only talk about them with the Lord. He knows all of the mistakes I made. I've learned so much since Mom and Dad's passing. About life, about myself, about others. How I must change, what I must change, and the shortness of life and how precious it is and all the mistakes I've made in the past. I learn something new everyday, like a lightbulb goes off in my head. I just wish that stupid wish--I wish I knew these things before Mom and Dad passed-don't we all? I guess pain, trials and tribulations are good educators. Too bad I couldn't learn them, know them, put them into practice while Mom and Dad were alive. And yes, I did more than sis and bro did. They both told me that they could never do what I did and I guess I don't give myself enough credit and remember all the great things that I did for Mom and Dad. But you know me, I always think that I could of done more/better. Then I remember that I am not perfect, no one is, and there is no such thing as a perfect caregiver.
It's not over yet. Tons of things that need to be done and it may take the rest of the year and into next year what with the house, me looking for an apt, a job [at my age it's practically impossible], and adjusting to a new life as if I was a twentysomething. Missing my home and moving will be excruciatingly painful.
I thank the Lord for all of you and your loving advice and council. I haven't written for a long time because of all the work to do around here, and the pain kept me from even going on my computer. I don't go on the computer as much I used to--now, only about 2-3x a week, even that.
Please write to me? I need to talk to other dear ladies such as yourselves who truly understand what I am going through will you?
Please write......all of you to me?
Love you all,
lefaucon
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jeannegibbs,

My sincere condolences go out to you on the loss of your husband. Your words impart so much wisdom and kindness on this site.

I am at a loss as to what else to say. Just know that this cyberspace person cares about your loss and is thinking of you at this difficult time.
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Mom's b day is tomorrow [4th] and her service is the 5th. So I will celebrate by buying her a bday card with a peice of cake with a candle on it by myself and sing to her...Oh ladies......I cannot thank you all enough for all of your wise and comforting counsel. You all told me the truth and how I should properly view the situation and not feel racked with guilt. I do feel better and always copy and paste wise words of comfort onto a Word document so that I can read them whenever I want to. I did not expect so many comforting posts from every body. jeannegibbs, I am sooooo sorry for your loss of your husband 4 days ago. For you to come onto this site and still help us is amazing. You are amazing. I haven't been on this site for one week because of grief, arrangements, and isolation, etc.....
I cannot thank all of you loving ladies enough for your care, compassion, and loving words. May God Bless you all in your trials and tribulations. And may the Lord Bless jeannegibbs with the loss your husband with strength, faith, courage, trust in Him, and enabling you to carry on. God bless all of you!!!!!!
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Amen - anger, guilt, regret can very much be a part of grief. lefaucon you may want to read up on stages of grief
It will get worse for a while, and as you feel your feelings and work them through, it will get better. I think no one is ready for or expects a death to happen when it does. Please donlt torment yourself,, Cry, grieve, miss your mum and so on, but donplt get stuck in guit or anger -lest them pass. Accet that they are part of dealing with your loss. At three months feelings tends to intensify, also 6 months and particularly 9 months, 1 year etc holidays, birthday and so one (((((((hugs))))))
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Please don't feel guilty. Even though my grandmother is driving me crazy with her trying to make me available at her beck & call, I just can't do it. Too far away & not owning a car makes it difficult to see her. So, at the moment I try my best to help her financially (since it's easy to do online) and I make an effort to tell her I love her everytime we're on the phone. That day may come where she'll want me over but I can't make it...
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Jeanne and Carol I'm sorry for your losses as well - I wish you peace.
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Lefaucon, first I'm so sorry for your loss - your grief is so clear from your post. I haven't read all the replies yet so forgive if I'm repeating. You are going through the normal stages of grief - being angry at yourself, feeling guilt, the "if only I had done...." is actually a part of grieving itself. Doesn't make it any less searingly painful though, but maybe it can comfort you to know that how you feel is normal and is a stage you will pass through. Also realize we cannot know the mind of God. You feel guilty for your mother's swift decline, but consider how terrible and wrenching a slow decline can be....many of those stories are right here on this website too. For all we know, it was in God's plan for her to go swiftly - everything is not determined by your actions, every event that happens has a million pieces that contribute to it. Please let the burden come off your shoulders and give love and forgiveness to yourself.
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Reading what jeannegibbs and lefaucon said about expecting that you would've had more time --- exactly what I thought about my Mom who passed away on October 31st.

Even though Mom was on hospice and I saw the end coming, I was just not ready for it to happen. I moved back home to take care of my parents in 2008. In my mind, I was going to have several more years with her before any of us went anywhere.

Lefaucon, listen to jeannegibbs, she tells it like it is. Our Moms left this world because their bodies finally wore out. Your Mom knows you love her very much. It's so difficult to be a caregiver at times. Please don't beat yourself up because it sounds as though you went above and beyond for your Mom. It is obvious you are a very compassionate person.

I just needed to share because both of your posts really touched my heart. Jeanne, my condolences and prayers for you and your husband. I have always enjoyed and gotten a lot out of reading your posts.
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lefaucon, jeanne said everything that I was going to say to you. I am so sorry that your mother is gone, but I know that you played no part in deciding when it was her time to cross over. I am glad you were there for her in the end. It means so much to hold their hand as they cross over. I believe the look on her face let you know how things were. She was at peace. She didn't blame you for anything, so please don't blame yourself. There was only so much you could do.
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Hugs and prayers to you both for your losses.
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Prayers for both jeannegibbs and lefaucon during this difficult time. Let your faith and happy memories wrap you in their love.
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lefaucon, this may sound a little harsh, especially at this time when you are feeling more than a little fragile, but I think you need to hear it.

You simply are not as powerful as you are giving yourself credit for. Your mother died of Alzeheimer's or its complications. She did not die from something you said or didn't say or something you didn't do. It is the nature of dementia to get worse. People with dementia decline at a rate determined by the disease. We can try to maintain their quality of life as long as they are living but we cannot determine how long that is. You did not push your mother into death faster than the disease did. You don't have that kind of power. The disease brought her to the end of her life. Even she sensed this. The disease was not your fault. Its progress was not your fault. The final decline was not your fault. You could not have stopped the progress of the disease no matter what you had done. You did what you thought was right at the time. Knowing what you know now you wish you had done things differently. That is understandable, and I can understand your deep regret. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not cause your mother's disease or its progression or her death. Even if you had wanted to (and you certainly did not) you just don't have that kind of power.

My husband died Thursday (3 days ago). He was on hospice care but I don't think anyone, including the hospice staff, expected his death quite so soon. He died when it was his time to die. He died on the disease's schedule. It did not consult any of us. I thought I'd have a few more months or at least several more weeks with him. I was wrong. You thought you'd have another 4 or 5 years with your mother. You were wrong. We were both wrong but that doesn't mean we were responsible or that we caused the deaths to be earlier than we expected. To quote Shakespeare, "Death, a necessary end, will come when it will come."

Mourn your mother, certainly! But don't let irrational feelings of guilt get in the way of remembering the good things. Don't get so wound up in feelings about yourself that you lose sight of the center of this event. Make your mourning about your mother, and about your religious beliefs regarding death.

Love to you in this difficult time of loss.
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