Guilt!

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For 5 1/2 years I had my mother living with me after my father died. We never really had a great relationship, but thought that maybe having her live with me and see that I am a good person would strengthen the weak spots. I had little if any emotional or physical support from family members. Finally, 5 months ago I put her into an assisted living home, and of course, she hates it. She has never been a positive person and is quite critical of everything and everyone. Now I am STILL dealing with guilt as I made the decision on my own to place her since my family preferred to "not spend the money". The guilt comes from within, from my mom and from my family. I have 2 brothers, 1 of whom keeps in contact at least weekly. The other brother by texting if I communicate first. My sisters-in-law NEVER call to see how I am doing, but call mom regularly. I took wonderful care of mom while she was with me in every way possible, but was never good enough from her perspective. There are a lot of old unresolved issues that I wanted to sort out, but each discussion led to fighting and yelling. The day I asked her to please leave my room as this is my "sanctuary" she refused, and I literally had to carry her out ad shut and lock the door. "Asshole", she called from the other side of the door. "I wish I had never had that 3rd child. My life would have been perfect if I had never had THAT 3rd child", she added. And that was it. The next day I put her into the facility.
I see her 1-2 times per week, shop for her, take her to her MD appointments, and take her to lunch, and for nice rides. No matter how "barb-proof" I make my armor she still seems to find the "chink" and stabs.
I need support to know that others are going through this and how they are handling the guilt and rejection.

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Lord ther's that guilt again. I can so relate Catsab! Seems like it is never enough. Kudos for making that hard decision but you have to know in your heart that it is not you..it is her. She like my Mother would not be happy no matter what your decisions regarding her future would be. I am just starting those kinds of converstaions with my Mother. She is just so set in her ways and she expects what I do. It is what Daughters are supposed to do right? Well after 7 long years of all her medical issues that continue to worsen I am finding that soon I will no longer be able to care for her. The limited Aides that we have are finding the same thing...when that happens they will no longer come. They will suggest a Nursing home or assisted living facility. She refuses to consider the idea. Like you I have tried every way I know to try to get her to see that my life also has purpose and that I too need...it falls on deaf ears. The one things I try so hard to do for myself is not deal with the guilt. I was the one of the family that stepped up to the plate. I am the one that makes the sacrafice while the rest of my family lives in peace. I am the one that gave up my job and my own financial security to take on the labor of love. I am the one that has not been on a vacation for 4 years...I know in my heart that I have done the best job I was capable of doing in assuring that my Mother was and is as comfortable as possible. But, even knowing this I still feel like crap when I have to almost beg for a moment to myself. And then have the audacity to make you feel unwanted and unappreciated for even entertaining the thought. But, the guilt is my issue as well. No one can make you feel anything. Only you can accept what you feel and if you know that you have done your best then you have to rely on yourself that you did. Sounds like you are still the committed one with your visits and the care you still provide. Just keep reminding yourself of all the wonderful things you have done and know that when the time comes there will be no regrets. You did your best. Hang in there!
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