I leave for my Mom and Dad's house tomorrow for a few days to give Dad a break and to take my Mom to her neurology appointment. So glad I finally get to meet one of her doctors and maybe get some answers! BUT- as the time draws nearer to leave I find myself becoming uglier and uglier, and stupider and stupider. yes, I know that is not a word- see what I mean.
I know it is the voice I grew up with. It is the voice of my parents. My hands are just shaking for fear of doing this trip. I am not at my best. And my sister cannot come now. She was going to be there too. and We have had a super long month with my girl and we are going through some worries with her health and so my mental health is not great. My OCD is kinda high and I just feel vulnerable to those old haunts from childhood.
When I am strong, when I do not have extra worries I can tell that self doubt to f**k off but now .... I just looked in the mirror and saw a monster,. Just saw a really ugly, stupid girl.
I have to leave tomorrow morning. I have been waiting and waiting to get into a doctor appointment with my Mom and now I am going to eff it up.
How do I get through this??? What if I fail? What if I lose it on my Mom? What if I have a panic attack?
I do not want to go. I do not want to go . I do not want to go. I am going... to vomit.