For almost a week, I've felt a growing resentment towards Mom and our situation. But I'm not sure why. Mom is a stroke survivor with impaired vision and balance issues who lives with us (been 2 years). She has never done anything she didn't really want to do (unless her husband wanted her to do something and then she did it for him, so she wanted to do it because he wanted it.)

Mom is actually nowhere near as difficult as many others I read about on here. She is thankful and is aware of the sacrifices we make to have her in our home. And she is here more because she cannot afford to live on her own than because of her health/disabilities.

And maybe that is why the resentment has grown.

She doesn't want me to find things that might help her with vision issues like a larger computer monitor. She says she'd love to write but doesn't know what to write and so won't do anything until she feels like it. Same for crafts. She doesn't subscribe to the idea that you do something and THEN you feel like doing it. At a family funeral this weekend, she walked around the church hall independently. This was such a surprise since she insists on holding my arm in any public space and at family gatherings usually sits in one place while we bring her food and drink. She says she doesn't want to use a cane. Seeing her walking around and grazing at the food table made me realize, again, she is doing this because SHE wants to.

My husband and I chose to have her live with us. But right now, I resent that she did not prepare for her future. And I resent that she doesn't try to be more active and independent. That she does only what she wants. If she didn't live with me, I wouldn't care about that kind of behavior. But for some reason, it bothers me when it is in my home.

I hope I can let go of this resentment. It doesn't feel very good.

Maybe I need a break. I will ask some friends and family who live a few hours away if they can take her for an overnight.

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Jeanne and Blannie, your comments are very helpful. I do think I am trying to fix her. I can imagine a much more independent fulfilling life for her and I feel it is in her reach with some hard work and effort. But not everyone wants an independent, fulfilling life, I guess. If she had her own place, I could ignore it. Having her right here makes that harder to ignore.

I think a part of your resentment may come from trying to "fix" your mom and her not wanting to be fixed. You're wanting to find a solution to her problems and she's not taking advantage of that. I know this pattern because it is me to a "T". I have it with friends and family. I'm a problem solver, so when others complain, I find the answer. Often times they don't use/want my solution, so I have been known to get my nose bent out of shape. I've learned that I have to provide solutions only when others ask me to. Otherwise, I'm wasting my time. And I have to be better at distinguishing between people just venting and people who really want to find a solution. I imagine your mom complains and you want to find the solution to stop the complaints. But your mom just wants to do what she wants to do and will complain when she feels like it. I think respite is a good idea. And being able to let go of a bit of the problem solving thing can help too (at least it does with me).

I hope you can let go of the resentment. It really can't be very good for you.

I think you have hit upon a very good "cure" for your feelings. Respite. Arrange for her to visit others for a few days at a time. Arrange for someone to come stay with her while you get away for a few days. Or, if she really doesn't need continuous supervision, just arrange for someone to check on her while you are away.

Your mom does what she wants to do. Why not? It sounds like Mom has been this way all her life. Why should she do crafts if she doesn't feel like it? As you say, this wouldn't bother you if she were doing it (or not doing it) elsewhere. I think (hope) it will bother you less if you, too, do more of what you want to do, and that probably means spending more time not physically with her.

Good luck!

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